Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman Jokes

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were having lunch in a restaurant. While waiting for their meals to be served, they had a chat among themselves.

The Englishman says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber, because when I came home the other day, I found some plumbing tools under her bed."

The Scotsman says "I think my wife is having an affair with a carpenter, because when I came home the other day, I found some carpentry tools under her bed."

The Irishman says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." His friends looked at him in disbelief. The Irishman says, "No I'm serious. When I came home the other day, I found a jockey in her wardrobe."

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman picked the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, YA B@$T@RD!!! SPIT IT OUT!!!"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him.

The Englishman, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport.

Next came the Scotsman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard. "Nothing" said the Scotsman and, after receiving his lashes, spat on the ground, called the prison guards 'Schisers' and started off towards the airport.

The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the Scotsman".

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it."I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Scotsman says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Irishman says, "Please fill it up with water."

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went on a mountain-climbing expedition together. Everything was going fine until one day, while they were walking along a narrow ledge, an avalanche ripped away the ledge on each side of them. As they stood there wondering what to do, with the freezing night closing in, there was a strange shimmering in the air and a good fairy appeared, floating in front of them. She raised her wand and declared that, as they had all been good and the expedition was sponsored for charity and so forth, she was to rescue them from their terrible plight. Each of them could wish to be transformed into any bird of their choice in order to get safely off the mountain, and would return to their normal form once they reached home.

She turned first to the Englishman and asked what he wanted to be. "A swan," he replied, and a beautiful white swan replaced him. Stepping off the ledge, it spread its wings and flew off for England.

The fairy turned to the Scotsman, who immediately and proudly chose a golden eagle,which he became. With a magnificent swoop, he launched from the ledge and soared away, glorying in the freedom of flight as he returned to Scotland.

The Irishman watched the two birds disappearing into the distance from the ledge as the fairy turned to him. "And what bird do you choose?" she asked. He thought, and mused, then said, "A penguin."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all in the jungle being persued by a tribe of savages. The savages are closing so they 3 friends decide to hide up trees. The savages reach the trees, and think they look suspicious.

They shake the first tree, which contains the Englishman. "Caw, Caw," is heard from among the leaves. "It's a parrot," says the savages.

They move to the next tree, which contains the Scotsman, and shake it. An "eek, eek," is heard. "It's a monkey," says the savages.

They shake the third tree, which contains the Irishman. All that is heard is a single "Mooooo"....

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are being chased by a policeman. They see this old warehouse so they run in. Inside there are 3 big empty potato sacks on the floor. They each jump into a sack. In comes the cop and sees these three sacks on the floor.
He goes up to the first one and kicks it. The Englishman shouts out, "Woof Woof", and the cop says, "It's only a dog."

He leaves it and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, "Meow meow", he leaves this one as he says, "It's only a cat."

He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out "Potatoes! Potatoes!"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman got lost in a massive forest and are cold, hungry and thirsty.

The Englishman finds a nuns convent and thinks great, a bed and some food. He knocks on the door and a nun invites him in, they are all very welcoming and give him food and drink. After that they sort him out with a room to use for the night. After being asleep for a few hours he wakes up to this hideously loud thumping noise that terrifies him. He finds a nun and asks her what this terrible noise is. She replies "I can't tell you, you're not a nun." At this the Englishman flees the convent.

Later that night, the Scottish man comes across the convent and thinks "great!" The nuns welcome him in and give him food and drink. Later they give him a room to spend the night in. A few hours after being asleep, he wakes up to the hideous noise. He asks one of the nuns what it is, but the nun replies "I can't tell you, you're not a nun". At this, he leaves the convent.

Even later that night, the Irishman goes into the convent. He has food and drink, then goes to bed. During the night he wakes up to this frightening banging noise. He goes out in the corridor and asks a nun what the noise is. She replies "I can't tell you, you're not a nun!" At this he finds a store cupboard containing a nuns habit. He puts it on and finds a nun. He says to her "Hello, I'm sister Riley, the new nun, can you please tell me what that terrible noise is?" "I'll do better than that, I'll show you, follow me!" she says. She takes him up a corridor to two big oak doors, through the doors is a long winding staircase leading to two big iron doors. Through these doors there is a massive room with a hole in the floor and a ladder leading down the hole. They go down the ladder into another room and through another door. Then the nun says to him "This is where the noise is coming from!" Guess what it was?......I'm sorry, I can't tell you. You're not a nun!"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were sentenced to execution by firing squad.

The Englishman was first up and he was placed against the wall to be shot. When the commander shouted "Ready, aim!", he looked to his left and shouted "Tornado!" The soldiers dropped their rifles and ran away, and when they returned, the Englishman had escaped by hopping off the wall.

The Scotsman was then brought in and placed against the wall to be fired. As the commander shouted, "Ready, aim!", he looked to his right and shouted "Earthquake!" The soldiers fled in fear again, and the Scotsman made his escape by hopping off the wall.

Finally, the Irishman was brought in and placed against the wall. As the commander shouted "Ready, aim!", the Irishman looked straight at the soldiers and shouted "Fire!" and they did...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman and a Welshman were travelling in an aircraft that went out of control and was about to crash. To their dismay, they discovered that there were only three parachutes in the plane.

The Scotsman argued that he ought to have one since he was a very important businessman whose death would result in the collapse of the stockmarket.

The Welshman handed him over the first parachute and he baled out.

Next the Irishman argued that he should be given a parachute. He was an important politician upon whom all hope of peace in Ireland rested. The Irishman silently put the straps over his shoulders and he jumped out after the Scotsman.

The Welshman now turned to the Englishman and handed him a parachute. 'Here you are' he said cheerfully. 'But what about you?' gasped the Englishman, amazed at this unflinching heroism. 'Oh, I'll be all right' said the Welshman. The Irishman took my haversack'.

There is an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman driving through the desert. They are driving along at quite a rate when the fan belt snaps.
"Fanbelt's gone lads, we'll have to abandon the jeep." says the Scotsman turns to the others and goes, "Right on guys take one thing that will be of use."

The Englishman opens up the bonnet and rips out the radiator. The Scotsman turns around and says, "What you gonna do with that?" "It's still got a bit of water in it, I can use it as a canteen." Says the Englishman.

"Good thinkin," says the Scotsman removing the hood. "What use is that?" says the Englishman. "You know I burn easily, It'll keep the sun off."

"Good point." The two turn round to ask the Irishman what he's taking. They are both shocked to find the Irishman breaking his back trying to tear the passenger's door off.

"Paddy? What the hell you gonna do with that?" they ask.

"Well, when I get too hot I can wind the window down."

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman were all stranded in a desert and somehow manage to find a deer. They all wanted their fair share so the Englishman said "We'll sort it out by who you support". The Englishman said "I support Liverpool so I'll have the Liver".

Then the Scotsman said "I support hearts so I'll have the heart".

The Irishman said "I support arsenal but I'm not that hungry!"

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field. The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow." The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow." The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath."

A Lost Helicopter Pilot

A helicopter was flying above Sydney when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it up in the helicopter window. The pilot’s sign said, “Where am I?” in large letters. The people in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it to the window of their building. Their sign read, “You are in a helicopter.” The pilot smiled, waved, looked at the map, determined the course to the airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the “You are in a helicopter” sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, “I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer!”

New Shop, Wrong Details

On opening a new shop, a man received a bouquet of flowers with a note reading, “Deepest Sympathy.” While puzzling over this, the phone rang. It was the florist, who apologized for having sent the wrong card, to which the shopkeeper replied, “That’s all right. I understand mistakes happen.” “But it’s not all right,” said the florist. “I sent your card to the new widow. It said, ‘Congratulations on your new location!’”

FOOTBALL JOKES

Here's some jokes to pump you up for the World Cup! 

Q: What does a Lionel Messi and a magician have in common?
A: Both do hat tricks.

Q: Which football team uses the most toilet paper?
A: Arsenal.

Q: Why did Cinderella get kicked off the girls’ football team?
A: Because she Kept running away from the ball.

Q: Why don't you not play soccer in the jungle?
A: There are too many cheetahs!

Q: Why isn’t the World Cup held in Space?
A: There is no atmosphere there!

Q: Which goalkeeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
A: All of them, crossbars can't jump.

Q: Why do soccer players do so well in math?
A: They know how to use their heads.

Q: How do athletes stay cool during a game?
A: They stand near the fans!

Q. Why did the soccer player bring string to the game?
A: So she could tie the score

Q: Why did the soccer ball quit the team?
A: He was tired of being kicked around.

At a local derby between Arsenal and Spurs last season, a spectator suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles.

"There's nothing to worry about, lad," said the elderly chap standing next to him...

"It's like the bombs during the war. You won't get hit unless the bottle's got your name on it."

"That's just what I'm worried about...," said the fan,"...my name's Johnny Walker."

Three old football fans are in a church praying for their teams.

The first one asks, “Oh Lord when will Manchester City stop buying the refs?”

God Replies, “In the next five years.”

“But I’ll be dead by then,” says the man.

The second one asks, “Oh Lord, when will Manchester United stop buying the refs?”

The Good Lord – answers, “In the next ten years.”

“But I’ll be dead by then,” says the man.

The third one asks, “Oh Lord when will Liverpool stop buying the refs?”.

God answers, “I’ll be dead by then!”

A football hooligan appeared in court one day charged with disorderly conduct and assult. The arresting officer stated that the accused had thrown something into the river.

Judge: "What exactly did the accused throw?"

Officer: "Stones, sir."

Judge: "Well, that's hardly an offense is it?"

Officer: It was in this case, sir. Stones was the referee."

At a local derby between Arsenal and Spurs last season, a spectator suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles.

"There's nothing to worry about, lad," said the elderly chap standing next to him...

"It's like the bombs during the war. You won't get hit unless the bottle's got your name on it."

"That's just what I'm worried about...," said the fan,"...my name's Johnny Walker."

A man arrives at the gates of heaven, where St. Peter greets him and says: "Before I can let you enter I must ask you what you have done in your life that was particularly good."

The man racks his brains for a few minutes and then admits to St. Peter that he hasn't done anything particularly good in his life.

"Well," says St. Peter, "have you done anything particularly brave in your life?"

"Yes, I have," replies the man proudly.

St. Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery.

So the man explains, "I was refereeing this important match between Manchester United and Liverpool at Old Trafford. The score was 0-0 and there was only one more minute of play to go in the second half when I awarded a penalty against United at the Stretford end."

"Yes," responded St. Peter, "I agree that was a real act of bravery. Can you perhaps tell me when this took place?"

"Certainly," the man replied, "about three minutes ago."

David Beckham is visiting a school.  In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stands up and offers that if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street and a car came along and killed him that would be a tragedy. "No," Beckham says, "that would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved..... That would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Beckham. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent, none of the children volunteer. "What?" asks Beckham, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally a boy in the back raises his hand.  In a timid voice, he says "If an airplane carrying David Beckham was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy." Beckham beams.  "Marvellous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy “because it wouldn't be an accident and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

God, and the devil were each having a holiday in hyper-space. The topic of conversation turned to who could turn out the best football team. Much to the God's surprise the devil proposed a football match to settle their dispute.

As God was leaving he said to the devil, 'Don't you realise that all the 'good' players go to heaven?"

The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs!"

A medical professor had just finished a lecture on the subject of mental health and started to give an oral quiz to the first years. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the senior doctor asked, 'How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?'

A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, 'A World Cup football coach?

A thief who stole a World Cup ticket from a woman's handbag was caught after sitting down to watch the game next to his victim's husband.

The 34-year-old mugged Eva Standmann, 42, as she made her way to the Munich stadium for the Brazil-Australia game at the weekend and discovered the ticket in her bag. He took the woman's place in the stadium where he was met by her husband Berndt, 43, who immediately called security. A Munich police spokesman said, 'The thief found the ticket in the bag and decided to watch the game, not expecting to sit next to his victim's husband, who immediately informed officers on duty at the stadium.'

Car insurance companies in the UK will be pleased if England crash out of the 2010 World Cup in the early stages.

Based on information collated from the 2006 World Cup it appears that England's drivers crash their cars more often on England match days. In 2006 crashes leapt by some 15% generally during the whole tournament. Accident figures when England played against Portugal and lost on penalties rose by over 42%.

At one point during a football (soccer) match in America, the coach said to one of his young players, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative. ‘Do you understand that what matters is how we play together as a team?' The little boy nodded yes.

'So, 'the coach continued, 'When offside is given, or a foul is not seen, you don't argue or swear or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?' Again the little boy nodded.

'Good, 'said the coach, 'Now go over there and explain it to your mother.'

Robbie, the Scouser, [person born in Liverpool, England], is touring America on holiday and stops in a remote bar in the hills of Montana. He's chatting to the barman when he sees an old Native American sitting in a corner-complete with full tribal gear, long plaits and wrinkles.

'Who's he?' enquires Robbie.

'That's the Memory Man,' responds the barman. 'He knows everything. He can remember any sporting fact. Go and try him out.'

So Robbie wanders over and asks, 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'

'Liverpool,' replies the Memory Man.

Robbie is flabbergasted.

'Who did they beat?'

'Leeds,' is the reply.' And the score?'

'2-1.'

Amazed but not totally convinced Robbie Dave tries something more specific.

'Who scored the winning goal?'

Without blinking the Native American replies, 'Ian St John.'

Robbie, the Liverpudlian returns home and regales his relatives and friends with his tale, and he's determined to return and pay his respects to this amazing man.

Ten years later he has saved enough money and returns to America. After weeks of searching through the towns of Montana, Dave Robbie, the Scouser steps forward, bows and greets the old man in his traditional native tongue, 'How.'

The Memory Man squints at Robbie and says, 'Diving header in the six-yard box.'

It was the World Cup Final dinner and dance held in the evening, after the final. The festivities were in full swing when three newcomers arrived without tickets. 'It's all right,' said one, 'we're friends of the referee.'

'Whoever heard of a referee with three friends?’ said the bouncer as he threw them out.

One day in Bavaria, the seven dwarfs went off to work in the salt mine, while Snow White stayed at home as usual to cook their lunch. However, when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

Tearfully, Snow White shouted down the mine shaft: 'Hello - is anyone there. Can you hear me, Bashful, Doc, Dopey, Happy, Grumpy or Sneezy?' (She knew it would be no good calling Sleepy.)

Then a voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: 'Germany will win the 2014 World Cup'. ‘Thank God!' said Snow White, 'at least Dopey's still alive!'

A guy named Paul receives wins tickets to the 2014 FIFA World Cup. Unfortunately, when Paul arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium. About halfway through the first quarter, Paul sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the halfway mark.

He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Paul asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

The man says "No."

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Paul again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the World Cup and not use it?!"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away."

"Well, that's really sad," said Paul, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?" "No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."

Old Couple at McDonalds

An old man placed an order at McDonalds for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, "we're just fine - they were used to sharing everything."

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered...

(Keep scrolling, great answer coming up!)

(Slow down with the scrolling, the answer is coming up...)

"THE TEETH!"

Pope Down Under

The Pope goes to Australia. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?''

The driver is understandably hesistant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.''

But the Pope persists, ''Please?''

The driver finally lets up. ''Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the Pope.''

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon!  He hits the gas and goes around 100 km/h in a 60 zone.  A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: ''Chief, I have a problem.''

Chief: ''What sort of problem?''

Cop: ''Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.''

Chief: ''Important like the mayor?''

Cop: ''No, no, much more important than that.''

Chief: ''Important like the governor?''

Cop: ''Wayyyyyy more important than that.''

Chief: ''Like the Prime Minister?''

Cop: ''More.''

Chief: ''Who's more important than the Tony Abbott?''

Cop: ''I don't know, but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur!''

3 Questions

This guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter is standing at the gate. He says, "If you can answer these three questions I will let you in to heaven.  First, how many seconds are in a year?  Second, how many days of the week have a 'T' in them?  Third, what is God's first name? You have until tomorrow to answer these questions."

The guy comes back the next day, St. Peter asks the first question and the guy says, "Twelve." "Twelve?" says St. Peter, "how did you get that?" The man replied, "January 2nd, February 2nd and so on." Peter thinks it over and says, "Well that is not exactly what I meant, but it's technically correct, so I will give you credit."

Then St. Peter asks the second question and the guy answers, "Two." St. Peter asks how he got that answer and the man explains, "Today and Tomorrow." St. Peter again admits that wasn't what he had in mind, but he'll accept that.

Peter then asked the third question -- God's first name. The man says, "Howard.” St. Peter, really perplexed, inquires how the guy got that and the man says, "You know -- it's in the prayer: ‘Our Father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...’"

Buying A Lottery Ticket

John, who was in financial difficulty, walked into a church and started to pray. ''Listen God,'' John said. ''I know I haven't been perfect but I really need to win the lottery. I don't have a lot of money. Please help me out.'' He left the church, a week went by, and he hadn't won the lottery, so he walked into a synagogue. ''Come on, God,'' he said. ''I really need this money. My mom needs surgery and I have bills to pay. Please let me win the lottery.'' He left the synagogue, a week went by, and he didn't win the lottery. So, he went to a mosque and started to pray again. ''You're starting to disappoint me, God,'' he said. ''I've prayed and prayed. If you just let me win the lottery, I'll be a better person. I don't have to win the jackpot, just enough to get me out of debt. I'll give some to charity, even. Just let me win the lottery.'' John thought this did it, so he got up and walked outside.

The clouds opened up and a booming voice said, ''John, buy a lottery ticket.''

A Familiar Face...

Once upon a time there was a town with a new church steeple with a bell that wouldn't ring. People came from miles around to try it.   One day a small fellow came up to the minister and said 'I can do it'.   The minister said 'Ok, try it.'   The little fellow went to the steeple, took three steps back and ran into the bell with his face.   BONG!!   The bell rang and he was hired.  

One windy day as he took his three steps back to ring the bell, the wind moved the bell.   The little fellow missed the bell and fell out of the steeple.   He landed in the middle of the plaza where people gathered to see what happened.

The minister came through the crowd and asked, 'Does anyone know this fellow's name?'   Just then one person replies, 'I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell!

A Day At The Races

George loves the racetrack. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race. George was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. George made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. George collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, George bet on it, and won! George was elated. As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. George began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves one of the horses. George placed his bet - every cent he owned - and watched the horse come in dead last.

George was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I've lost my life savings, thanks to you!!" The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants ... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last rites!"

An Old Man and his Dog

An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day. Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would bring in. The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn.

     One bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed into town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the money carefully. He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips. Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for his wrench. To his surprise, he didn't feel it. He dug around again, but there didn't seem to be any wrench. He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but still no wrench. Reality set in. Without a wrench he couldn't finish the job, and without the pay he couldn't even buy food for that night's supper, let alone for tomorrow. When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who hired him what the situation was. While she sympathized with his situation, the job needed to be done. If the old man couldn't do it, she would have to hire someone else.

     The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and shoulders stooped. The whistle was gone and no longer was there a spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever. But finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn. When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man how glad he was to see him. Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him, and through tear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow. What's more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held.

     It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he ever had! Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass. As the old man went over to see what this piece of shining material was, his despair turned in an instant to joy! It was the wrench! The old man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the house than he usually did! The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him, and ran into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion. Few people have ever heard these words...until now, that is. One man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has his name recorded in music history. The old man never did get the credit he deserved.

     But now you are privileged to read the beginning line of his original poem, which went: "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me."

Haircut Jokes

Q: Whats the difference between a good barber and a bad barber? 

A: About two weeks.

A man was coming out of a new barber shop which he decided to try out. He met his friend and his friend asked him if the barber did a good job. He replied ” the haircut looks fine but I didn’t like the four-letter words  he used when cutting my hair.” “What did he say?” his friend asked? “Oops!” the man replied.
I  have a barbershop in New York City. One day a priest walked in for a haircut. When I finished, I told him not to pay since he is doing G-D’s work. The next morning he came by with a nice bouquet of flowers. About a week later, a cop came in, and I told him, “Thanks for you service to society, please don’t pay.” The next morning, he dropped by with some coffee and donuts. A couple of weeks later a lawyer came in, and after his haircut I thanked him for his service to the justice system and told him,”No need to pay!” The next morning he came by and dropped off another 5 lawyers!

A man and a boy go into a barber’s. The man has a trim then says to the boy, "You get your hair cut while I go to the supermarket and get some shopping." 

The boy has his hair cut but the man does not return. 

"Looks like your dad’s forgotten you’re here," says the barber. 

"That wasn’t my dad," replies the boy. "That guy grabbed me on the street, said “How would you like a free haircut” and dragged me in here."

A priest went into a barbershop and got his hair cut. He then asked how much he owed the barber. "No charge, Father," the barber said. "I consider it a service to the Lord." When the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the minister.

A few days later, a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered. "I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer.

A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward. "No charge, the barber replied. "I consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop.

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. 

He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your haircut and we'll talk about it." 

After about a month the boy came back and  asked again, his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but, you didn't get your haircut!" 

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair............ " 

To which his father replied....... "Yes, and they walked every where" 

A man walks into a barber’s shop and asks how many people are waiting to be served. ‘I’ve got three cuts and a shave booked this morning,’ replies the barber.
The man leaves but comes back the next day, ‘How many are waiting today?’ he asks. ‘I’ve got two cuts, a dye-job and a shave,’ replies the barber.
Next day the man is back with the same question, and the barber tells him, ‘Four cuts and a wash.’ This goes on for weeks until the barber gets suspicious – perhaps the man is a rival planning on opening his own barber shop in the area. Perhaps he wants to find out how much business he can expect.
To solve the mystery he gets his assistant to follow the man the next time he drops by. Next day the man comes in, asks his usual question and leaves, this time trailed by the assistant. When the assistant gets back, the barber says, ‘Well? Who is he? Where did he go?’ The assistant replies, ‘I don’t know who he is, but he seems to be a friend of your wife. He just went round to your house.’

A man walked in to Joe’s Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks “What’s up?”

The man proceeds to explain he’s taking a vacation to Rome. “ROME?!” Joe says, “Why would you want to go there? It’s a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You’d be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?” “We’re taking TWA,” the man replies.

“TWA?!” yells Joe. “They’re a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late! So where you staying in Rome?” The man says “We’ll be at the downtown International Marriot.” “That DUMP?!” says Joe. “That’s the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they’re overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?” The man says “We’re going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope.”

“HA! That’s rich!” laughs Joe. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You’re going to need it!”

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, “Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!” “No, quite the opposite” explained the man. “Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!”

“Hmmm,” Joe says, “Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described.” “No, quite the opposite! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling. It’s the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!”

“Well,” Joe mumbles, “I KNOW you didn’t get to see the Pope!” “Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”

Impressed, Joe asks, “Tell me, please! What’d he say?” “Oh, not much really, he just said, “Where’d you get that dreadful haircut?"

Penguins

A man is driving down the highway and passes a state motorcycle officer. The officer notices the man and also sees that he has 4 penguins in the backseat of the car. The officer chases down the car and pulls the man over, and after a short inspection of the vehicle says to the driver "what are you doing with 4 penguins in your car?"

To which the man replies "Just taking them for a ride, officer." Visibly upset, the cop instructs the man to take the penguins to the zoo.

The next day the same man is driving down the same highway and is spotted by the same motorcycle cop. Again the cop gives chase and pulls the car over and upon inspection sees the same 4 penguins in the backseat only this time the penguins are wearing bright colored swim trunks and sun glasses.

The cop, really angry this time, says "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo yesterday."

The man smiles and replies "I did! They liked that so much that today I decided to take them to the beach!"

The Church Dictionary

Amen: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

• Bulletin:
  • Parish information read only during the homily/sermon.
  • 2. Catholic air conditioning.
  • 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
• Choir: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.
• Holy Water: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
• Hymn: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
• Recessional Hymn: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
• Incense: Holy Smoke!
• Jesuits: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
• Jonah: The original "Jaws" story.
• Justice: When kids have kids of their own.
• Kyrie Elieison: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
• Magi: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
• Manger:
  • 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
  • 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
• Pew: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
• Procession: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
• Recessional: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
• Relics: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
• Ten Commandments: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
• Ushers: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

A Dodgy Sermon

A newly ordained priest Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Bishop how he had done. 

The Bishop replied, "During my first mass, I was very nervous too. But I was told to put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, you should be fine." 

So the next Sunday he took the Bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. 

Upon his return to the presbytery after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.. 

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the s**t out of him.. 

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his @$$. 

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.' 

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say, "Eat me." 

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'. 

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: 'Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.'

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.