Telephone Jokes Part 1

"Abbey Telecom. Would you spell that, please?"
"Certainly. A as in aye. B as in bee. B as in bee. E as in eye. Y as in you."
"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."

A lady was getting inundated with wrong number callers. Why? An accounts department had introduced an 0800 number that was identical to hers. When she called to complain, she was told to change her number.
"I've had mine for fifteen years," she said. "Couldn't you change yours?"
They refused, so she said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to tell everyone who calls that their invoice is satisfied."
The accounts department got a new number the next day.

Fred and Doris were deep in slumber. Fred wakes to answer the phone. "How the heck should I know, that's 30 miles away!!" and slams down the receiver.
"Who was that?" asks Doris.
"I dunno, he wanted to know if the coast is clear."

It's the late 1980's, and an IT Manager’s boss at a non-profit agency had a brainwave.
"He wanted to provide a auto-attendant menu-driven telephone system that would give HR advice by phone," said the IT Manager.
"I was taken to lunch by the local phone company to discuss it. Being new to the project, I started by asking what percentage of the Ribble Valley community had touch-tone phones ... mission critical for automated attendant systems. As I remember, the food was excellent and the project was never discussed again."

The phone rang numerous times that night. A woman's voice kept asking for Danny. Each time I explained that I lived alone, my name was Damien, and she had the wrong number. Six times was enough.
"Hi?" I said.
"Can I speak to Danny, please?"
I replied, "I'm sorry, he's out. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll return?" she asked.
"I think he said he'd be back at 10 pm."
Silence on the other end... a confused silence.
"Is this Les?"
"Yep. Do you want to leave a message for Danny?"
"Well... he asked me to call him tonight," she said, in an agitated voice.
I replied, "Well, he went out with Joanne at 7 pm and said that he would be back at 10 pm."
A stunned voice now: "Who's Joanne?!"
"The girl he went out with."
"I know that! I mean... who is she?"
"I don't know her surname. Do you want me to leave a message for Danny?"
"Yes. Tell him to ring me when he gets back."
She was sounding pretty irate at this point. "I will. Is this Holly?"
She exploded, "Who's Holly?"
"Well... he's going out with Holly at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."
"Danny’s the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Cath called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."
I said, "Okay, I will... but Julie isn't going to like this..."

The bath-tub was invented in 1850.
The telephone was invented in 1875.
If you had lived back then, you could have sat in the bath for 25 years without being interupted by the phone.

A student asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean."
With that the father dialled a random number. He said, "Hello, is Adrian there?"
The man answered, "There is no one here called Adrian. Why don't you pay attention when dialling?"
He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...."
The father dialled the number again. "Hello, is Adrian there?" asked the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number andI told you that there is no Adrian here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. NowI'll show you what exasperation means."
He re-dialled and when a violent voice roared 'Hello!' , the father calmly said, "Hello, this is Adrian. Have there been any phone calls for me?"

The company had a digital telephone system that rerouted after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a certain line, Tony knew it would be a wrong number.
When the phone rang, Tony answered saying, "Psychic Hotline. I'm sorry, but you've dialled the wrong number."
The callers would reply with something like, "I didn't even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialed the wrong...!" (click)

Telephone Jokes Part 2

After directory assistance gave a girl her boyfriend's new telephone number, she dialled him -- and got a woman.
"Is Jozef there?" she asked.
"He's in the shower," the woman exclaimed.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," she said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, the girl re-dialed. A man answered, "This is Jozef."
"You're not my boyfriend!" she exclaimed.
"I know, that's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."

My office said that I missed a call from "Cath" at the bank regarding our account. So, I called my bank and the switchboard operator asked me what Cath’s last name was and I explained that she hadn't left her surname.
When she asked for her department, I said that I didn't know.
"There are 1500 employees in this building, sir," she told me abruptly.
So I asked her for her name.
"Joanne," she said.
"What is your surname?" I asked.
"Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give surnames."

Sudents at college were discussing the cost of long distance calls and debating the relative advantages of BT, NTL and Skype.
"I've found RCC to be the cheapest plan around," Said one.
"RCC? Who are they?"
"You know," he responded. "Reverse Charge Calls."

Dianne grew up in a small town by the sea, then moved away to study law at university. She decided to come back to the small town because she could be a big lawyer in this small town. She really wanted to impress everyone. She opened a new legal practice, but business was very slow at first.
One day, she saw a man coming up the pavement. She decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Dianne picked up the phone. She motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in London that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the judge that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details. "
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Dianne rattled instructions. Finally, she put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from Abbey Telecom. I am here to install your telephone line."

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated evening meal and, as I answered, I was greeted with, "Is this Obadiah Higginbottom?"
I asked, "Who is calling?"
The canvasser said he was with The Cheap Telephone Calls Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew Obadiah personally and why was he was calling this number. I then said, off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood."
I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in court to testify in this murder case.
I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the deceased and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The canvasser was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.
Then I proceeded to tell him that we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.
My wife asked me, as I returned to the table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.
My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.

Dave was a frequent user of a payphone at a petrol station, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone faulty.
Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.
After several days, Dave again contacted BT and said that there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working OK...except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.
A telephone engineer arrived within the hour!

Jozef, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at 3.33 A.M. by his telephone."Your barking dog is keeping me awake," said an angry voice.Jozef thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.The next morning at precisely 3:33 A.M., Jozef called his neighbour back.
"Good morning, Mr. Walker. Just called to say that I haven’t got a dog."

One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. in Patrick’s house. He picked up the phone and a woman asked, "Is this 721111?"
"No, this is 721112." Patrick replied.
"Oh, I'm so sorry for bothering you." The woman said.
"That's alright," Patrick said. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."