The Church Dictionary

Amen: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

• Bulletin:
  • Parish information read only during the homily/sermon.
  • 2. Catholic air conditioning.
  • 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
• Choir: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.
• Holy Water: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
• Hymn: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
• Recessional Hymn: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
• Incense: Holy Smoke!
• Jesuits: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
• Jonah: The original "Jaws" story.
• Justice: When kids have kids of their own.
• Kyrie Elieison: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
• Magi: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
• Manger:
  • 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
  • 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
• Pew: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
• Procession: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
• Recessional: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
• Relics: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
• Ten Commandments: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
• Ushers: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.