FOOTBALL JOKES

Here's some jokes to pump you up for the World Cup! 

Q: What does a Lionel Messi and a magician have in common?
A: Both do hat tricks.

Q: Which football team uses the most toilet paper?
A: Arsenal.

Q: Why did Cinderella get kicked off the girls’ football team?
A: Because she Kept running away from the ball.

Q: Why don't you not play soccer in the jungle?
A: There are too many cheetahs!

Q: Why isn’t the World Cup held in Space?
A: There is no atmosphere there!

Q: Which goalkeeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
A: All of them, crossbars can't jump.

Q: Why do soccer players do so well in math?
A: They know how to use their heads.

Q: How do athletes stay cool during a game?
A: They stand near the fans!

Q. Why did the soccer player bring string to the game?
A: So she could tie the score

Q: Why did the soccer ball quit the team?
A: He was tired of being kicked around.

At a local derby between Arsenal and Spurs last season, a spectator suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles.

"There's nothing to worry about, lad," said the elderly chap standing next to him...

"It's like the bombs during the war. You won't get hit unless the bottle's got your name on it."

"That's just what I'm worried about...," said the fan,"...my name's Johnny Walker."

Three old football fans are in a church praying for their teams.

The first one asks, “Oh Lord when will Manchester City stop buying the refs?”

God Replies, “In the next five years.”

“But I’ll be dead by then,” says the man.

The second one asks, “Oh Lord, when will Manchester United stop buying the refs?”

The Good Lord – answers, “In the next ten years.”

“But I’ll be dead by then,” says the man.

The third one asks, “Oh Lord when will Liverpool stop buying the refs?”.

God answers, “I’ll be dead by then!”

A football hooligan appeared in court one day charged with disorderly conduct and assult. The arresting officer stated that the accused had thrown something into the river.

Judge: "What exactly did the accused throw?"

Officer: "Stones, sir."

Judge: "Well, that's hardly an offense is it?"

Officer: It was in this case, sir. Stones was the referee."

At a local derby between Arsenal and Spurs last season, a spectator suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles.

"There's nothing to worry about, lad," said the elderly chap standing next to him...

"It's like the bombs during the war. You won't get hit unless the bottle's got your name on it."

"That's just what I'm worried about...," said the fan,"...my name's Johnny Walker."

A man arrives at the gates of heaven, where St. Peter greets him and says: "Before I can let you enter I must ask you what you have done in your life that was particularly good."

The man racks his brains for a few minutes and then admits to St. Peter that he hasn't done anything particularly good in his life.

"Well," says St. Peter, "have you done anything particularly brave in your life?"

"Yes, I have," replies the man proudly.

St. Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery.

So the man explains, "I was refereeing this important match between Manchester United and Liverpool at Old Trafford. The score was 0-0 and there was only one more minute of play to go in the second half when I awarded a penalty against United at the Stretford end."

"Yes," responded St. Peter, "I agree that was a real act of bravery. Can you perhaps tell me when this took place?"

"Certainly," the man replied, "about three minutes ago."

David Beckham is visiting a school.  In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stands up and offers that if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street and a car came along and killed him that would be a tragedy. "No," Beckham says, "that would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved..... That would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Beckham. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent, none of the children volunteer. "What?" asks Beckham, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally a boy in the back raises his hand.  In a timid voice, he says "If an airplane carrying David Beckham was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy." Beckham beams.  "Marvellous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy “because it wouldn't be an accident and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

God, and the devil were each having a holiday in hyper-space. The topic of conversation turned to who could turn out the best football team. Much to the God's surprise the devil proposed a football match to settle their dispute.

As God was leaving he said to the devil, 'Don't you realise that all the 'good' players go to heaven?"

The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs!"

A medical professor had just finished a lecture on the subject of mental health and started to give an oral quiz to the first years. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the senior doctor asked, 'How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?'

A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, 'A World Cup football coach?

A thief who stole a World Cup ticket from a woman's handbag was caught after sitting down to watch the game next to his victim's husband.

The 34-year-old mugged Eva Standmann, 42, as she made her way to the Munich stadium for the Brazil-Australia game at the weekend and discovered the ticket in her bag. He took the woman's place in the stadium where he was met by her husband Berndt, 43, who immediately called security. A Munich police spokesman said, 'The thief found the ticket in the bag and decided to watch the game, not expecting to sit next to his victim's husband, who immediately informed officers on duty at the stadium.'

Car insurance companies in the UK will be pleased if England crash out of the 2010 World Cup in the early stages.

Based on information collated from the 2006 World Cup it appears that England's drivers crash their cars more often on England match days. In 2006 crashes leapt by some 15% generally during the whole tournament. Accident figures when England played against Portugal and lost on penalties rose by over 42%.

At one point during a football (soccer) match in America, the coach said to one of his young players, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative. ‘Do you understand that what matters is how we play together as a team?' The little boy nodded yes.

'So, 'the coach continued, 'When offside is given, or a foul is not seen, you don't argue or swear or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?' Again the little boy nodded.

'Good, 'said the coach, 'Now go over there and explain it to your mother.'

Robbie, the Scouser, [person born in Liverpool, England], is touring America on holiday and stops in a remote bar in the hills of Montana. He's chatting to the barman when he sees an old Native American sitting in a corner-complete with full tribal gear, long plaits and wrinkles.

'Who's he?' enquires Robbie.

'That's the Memory Man,' responds the barman. 'He knows everything. He can remember any sporting fact. Go and try him out.'

So Robbie wanders over and asks, 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'

'Liverpool,' replies the Memory Man.

Robbie is flabbergasted.

'Who did they beat?'

'Leeds,' is the reply.' And the score?'

'2-1.'

Amazed but not totally convinced Robbie Dave tries something more specific.

'Who scored the winning goal?'

Without blinking the Native American replies, 'Ian St John.'

Robbie, the Liverpudlian returns home and regales his relatives and friends with his tale, and he's determined to return and pay his respects to this amazing man.

Ten years later he has saved enough money and returns to America. After weeks of searching through the towns of Montana, Dave Robbie, the Scouser steps forward, bows and greets the old man in his traditional native tongue, 'How.'

The Memory Man squints at Robbie and says, 'Diving header in the six-yard box.'

It was the World Cup Final dinner and dance held in the evening, after the final. The festivities were in full swing when three newcomers arrived without tickets. 'It's all right,' said one, 'we're friends of the referee.'

'Whoever heard of a referee with three friends?’ said the bouncer as he threw them out.

One day in Bavaria, the seven dwarfs went off to work in the salt mine, while Snow White stayed at home as usual to cook their lunch. However, when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

Tearfully, Snow White shouted down the mine shaft: 'Hello - is anyone there. Can you hear me, Bashful, Doc, Dopey, Happy, Grumpy or Sneezy?' (She knew it would be no good calling Sleepy.)

Then a voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: 'Germany will win the 2014 World Cup'. ‘Thank God!' said Snow White, 'at least Dopey's still alive!'

A guy named Paul receives wins tickets to the 2014 FIFA World Cup. Unfortunately, when Paul arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium. About halfway through the first quarter, Paul sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the halfway mark.

He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Paul asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

The man says "No."

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Paul again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the World Cup and not use it?!"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away."

"Well, that's really sad," said Paul, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?" "No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."