Texan In London

A Texan is visiting London and his taxi driver is taking him on a tour of the City's historical landmarks.
As they went past the Tower of London the cabbie explained what the building was and provided a brief history. Upon hearing that its construction started in 1346 and was completed in 1412, the Texan stated, "Really? A little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament, and the cabbie again gave a brief history, omitting the construction dates this time. However, being eager to brag, the Texan questioned its construction too. The cabbie replied that it was built in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well, boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a month!"
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent.
"Well? What's that over there?" asked the Texan.
The annoyed cabbie scratches his head and replied "I haven't the foggiest idea, Sir. It wasn't there yesterday!"

Unsuccessful Operation

A politician awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed," he said. "Is it night?"

A nurse replied, "No, it is just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."

Football Match > Funeral

A Liverpool fan arrives at Anfield and makes his way to his seat at the Kop. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. He responds, "No, the seat's empty."
"The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this in the famous Kop and not use it?" 
The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first Liverpool game we haven't been together."
 The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?"
 The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."

Drowning Preacher

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." 
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me."
 Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

What Position To Pray?

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer.

"Gentlemen," he interrupted, "the best praying I ever did was hanging upside down from a telephone pole."

Listen Carefully

Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry then approached and punched bin Laden in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a walking stick.

The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe, and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

Suddenly, as bin Laden lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared. "This is not what you promised me," said bin Laden.

"Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven."

Best Fish And Chips

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery. She's just in time for dinner and is treated to the best fish and chips ever. After dinner, she goes to the kitchen to thank the chefs.

She is met by Brother Michael and Brother Charles. She thanks them and asks who cooked what.

Says Brother Charles: "I'm the fish friar."

She says to Brother Michael, "Then you must be..."

He replies, "Yes, I'm the chip monk."

A Generous Arab With Jewish Blood

An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises. Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the calls went out to a number of countries.
Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank-You Card for giving his blood along with an Expensive Diamond and a New Rolls-Royce car as a token of his appreciation. The Jew was very happy. Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again. His doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank-You Card and a box of Dates (Qurma) Candies.
The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not acknowledge the Jew's find gesture in the same way as he had done the first time. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner. The Arab replied: "Ya habibi !!! I have Jewish blood now, remember..?!? "