Penguins

A man is driving down the highway and passes a state motorcycle officer. The officer notices the man and also sees that he has 4 penguins in the backseat of the car. The officer chases down the car and pulls the man over, and after a short inspection of the vehicle says to the driver "what are you doing with 4 penguins in your car?"

To which the man replies "Just taking them for a ride, officer." Visibly upset, the cop instructs the man to take the penguins to the zoo.

The next day the same man is driving down the same highway and is spotted by the same motorcycle cop. Again the cop gives chase and pulls the car over and upon inspection sees the same 4 penguins in the backseat only this time the penguins are wearing bright colored swim trunks and sun glasses.

The cop, really angry this time, says "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo yesterday."

The man smiles and replies "I did! They liked that so much that today I decided to take them to the beach!"

The Church Dictionary

Amen: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

• Bulletin:
  • Parish information read only during the homily/sermon.
  • 2. Catholic air conditioning.
  • 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
• Choir: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.
• Holy Water: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
• Hymn: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
• Recessional Hymn: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
• Incense: Holy Smoke!
• Jesuits: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
• Jonah: The original "Jaws" story.
• Justice: When kids have kids of their own.
• Kyrie Elieison: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
• Magi: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
• Manger:
  • 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
  • 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
• Pew: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
• Procession: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
• Recessional: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
• Relics: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
• Ten Commandments: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
• Ushers: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

A Dodgy Sermon

A newly ordained priest Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Bishop how he had done. 

The Bishop replied, "During my first mass, I was very nervous too. But I was told to put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, you should be fine." 

So the next Sunday he took the Bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. 

Upon his return to the presbytery after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.. 

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the s**t out of him.. 

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his @$$. 

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.' 

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say, "Eat me." 

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'. 

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: 'Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.'

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Chinese English

A Chinese man was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1.This is what he came up with.....

1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up.. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6. He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a3 and jump down! I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.

An ITALIAN vs a CHINESE

 *An ITALIAN and a CHINESE entered a chocolate store.*

 *As they were busy looking, the ITALIAN stole 3 chocolate bars. As they
left the store, the ITALIAN said to the CHINESE:*
 

*"Man I'm the best thief in the world, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no
one saw me. you can't beat that?" **

**The CHINESE replied: "You want to see something better ? Let's go back to
the shop and I'll show you real stealing."

So they went to the counter and the CHINESE said to the shopkeeper:  "Do
you want to see magic ?"*

 *The shopkeeper replied: "Yes."*

 *The CHINESE said: "Give me a chocolate bar." The shopkeeper gave him
one, and he ate it.  The CHINESE asked for a second bar,*
 *and he ate that as well and he asked for the third, and finished that
one too.*

*The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic ?"

The CHINESE replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all
three bars of chocolate."

You just CAN'T beat a CHINESE....*

Religious Golf

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. “Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths." The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. “Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked. "None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But, there’s a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal. Then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said Nicklaus. “Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. “Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous." “There’s bad news?" asked the Pope. “Yes, I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods."

Soccer Fan Meets The Pope

There's this young boy from Manchester who is going to the Vatican with his family, hoping to see the Pope. The boy is a bit worried about whether or not they will see the Pope amongst the thousands of people. So his mum says "Don't worry, son, the Pope is a big soccer fan and I know he barracks for Manchester United, so wear your United, the Pope will see the famous red and he will stop and talk to you.
The next day, the boy wears his Man Utd shirt whilst they are standing in the crowd as the Pope goes along in his Popemobile. Next thing the Popemobile stops a little further down the street, Pope Francis gets out to talk to a different little boy, who is wearing a Manchester City shirt. Then he gets back into the Popemobile and it drives right past the young United fan, who is very upset and starts crying. 
"Don't worry" says his dad, "The Pope is driving around tomorrow as well, so I'll buy you a Manchester City shirt, we'll come back tomorrow and then he is guaranteed to stop and talk to you."
So they are back in the crowd the next day the little boy is now wearing the Manchester City shirt. The Popemobile comes along and the boy is all excited. As his mum predicted, the Popemobile does stop, right in front of him. Then Pope Francis gets out, walks over to the little boy, bends down to talk to him and says "I thought I told you to GET LOST yesterday!"