A Dodgy Sermon

A newly ordained priest Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Bishop how he had done. 

The Bishop replied, "During my first mass, I was very nervous too. But I was told to put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, you should be fine." 

So the next Sunday he took the Bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. 

Upon his return to the presbytery after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.. 

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the s**t out of him.. 

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his @$$. 

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.' 

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say, "Eat me." 

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'. 

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: 'Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.'

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.