Messi's Early Dismissal

It is just before Australia v Argentina at the next World Cup Group game. Messi goes into the Argentinian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Australia. They're useless and we can't be bothered".

Messi looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Messi goes out to play the Aussies by himself and the rest of the Argentinian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Argentina 1 - Australia 0 (Messi 10 minutes)". He is beating Australia all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "Argentina 1 (Messi 10 minutes) - Australia 1 (Cahill 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Australia!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Australia, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

The Flat Tire

A salesman, and engineer, and a technician are driving in a car when, just outside of town, they get a flat tire. The three of them get out of the car and scratch their heads.

The salesman says, "Maybe I should walk into town and get a new tire. I know that I can bargain with the man at the parts store and get a great deal."

The engineer stops him, saying, "No, before you do that, we'll have to do some computations, figuring the grade of the road, the asphalt temperature, and the average rate of speed we will be traveling to know what kind of tire you should buy."

The technician laughs and shakes his head. "No, no, no! What's wrong with you guys? We have a spare tire in the trunk -- now all we have to do is start swapping tires until we find the flat one!"

Lost Mobile Phone

An employee of the airport found a mobile phone in one of the boarding areas. She switched it on, hoping a caller would identify the owner. It rang, and she answered it, but there was no response. When it rang a second time, another female employee answered, and the same thing happened.

Moments later, a supervisor came by and picked up the ringing phone. "This is Bob. May I help you?"

"Bob," the bewildered woman caller finally spoke. "Where is Bill, and who are those two women he's with?"

The Typing Test

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A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.

The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.

The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance.

"That's fine," he said; "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."

"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked.

The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."

The New Horse

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.

The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.

The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle.

The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers, "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good; I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly.

Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems, the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.

The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"

Jungle Drums

An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What are those drums?"

The guide turned to him and said, "Drums okay, but VERY BAD when they stop."

As they traveled the drums grew louder and louder. The anthropologist was nervous, but the guide merely repeated, "Drums okay. Drums not bad. When drums stop, then very bad!"

Then the drums suddenly stopped. Terrified, the anthropologist yelled to the guide: "The drums stopped! What now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Guitar solo."

Seven Cookies

The teacher asked Mary, "If you had seven cookies and David asked you for three, how many cookies would you have left?"

Mary immediately answered, "Seven!"

The teacher was puzzled and asked "Why seven?"

"You really think I would give David any of my cookies?"

New Speed Limit

The speed limit on the highway running through our small town was changed from 40 to 35 MPH.

Then one afternoon the town mayor was stopped in the coffee shop by a police officer. "Can I speak to you a moment?" he said.

"Sure," the mayor replied. "What can I help you with?"

"We're advising people that the speed limit has been lowered on the highway through town, and we'd appreciate your co-operation."

"No problem," said the mayor. "Do you want me to bring this up at the next council meeting?"

"No," replied the police officer. "We want you to slow down."

Holmes and Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking. They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, went to sleep in their tent.

Holmes wakes up deep at night, wakes Watson and says, "Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you deduce from it?"

"Well, this clearly tells us the weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny."

"No Watson, it's simplier than that. It just means that somebody has stolen our tent."

Two Lawyers and a Bear

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear.

The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers, and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

Football Match > Funeral

Fred, a Collingwood fan, had front row seats at the MCG for the AFL Grand Final against Hawthorn. As Fred sat down, a man in a Hawks jumper came and asked him if anyone was going to occupy the seat next to him. 

       

"No," said Fred, "sit right down. The seat will be empty." 

       

"That's incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would reserve a seat like this for the AFL Grand Final and then not use it?" 

       

Fred said, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Pies game we haven't been to together since we got married nearly 50 years ago." 

       

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor - to take her seat?" 

       

Fred shook his head sadly. "No. They're all at the funeral."

The Pope and Trump

During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Trump. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Trump emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Trump declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.

      

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly, he announced his meeting with the President was a failure. Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Trump just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed".

      

Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."

Proposal at a Footy Match

A university student took his new girlfriend to an AFL game. They found seats in the packed MCG and were watching the action. A player took a screamer above an opponent, and the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year." 
       
His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a boy to propose to a girl. But, regardless of how you said it, I accept!"

3 Parachutes

A Nobel prize winner, an old Catholic priest and a boy scout was flying across the Atlantic when the pilot came bursting through the door and anounced: "We've lost both engines, and there are only three parachutes on the plane. I only received my pilot's licence last month and I still have to serve a lot of people; I simply have to live." With that he grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The Nobel prize winner said: "Just last week I received the prize for being the smartest man on earth. I have a lot of work to do for mankind, sorry, I also have to live." He grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest turned to the boy and said; "Son, I have lived a long life; I have put my faith in what Jesus has done for me and I know for certain that when I die I will go to heaven. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. You take the last parachute and jump."

"Not to worry Father," the boy replied, "there's still two chutes left; the smartest man in the world just jumped with my backpack."