Shepherd and the Sheep

The young priest was teaching the 23rd psalm-Lord our shepherd -to the Sunday school children. He told them that they were sheep who needed guidance.  Then the priest asked, "If you are the sheep then who is the shepherd-- obviously indicating himself.  A silence of a few seconds followed.  Then a young boy said, "Jesus. Jesus is the shepherd."  The young priest, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy, "Well then, who am I?"  The boy frowned thoughtfully and then said, "I guess you must be a sheep dog."

Do You Want To Go To Heaven?

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Dublin, and says to the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

The man said, ‘I do, Father.’

The priest said, ‘Then stands over there against the wall.’

Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

Certainly, Father,’ was the man’s reply.

‘Then stand over there against the wall.’ Said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to Charles and said, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

Charles said, ‘No, I don’t Father.’

The priest said ‘I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?’

Charles said, ‘Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.’

The Beach Genie

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie!

The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."  

The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."        

Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand!        

He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."        

Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red, brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him!        

He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."        

Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

The Marriage Fairy

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom!

She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.........

Golfer's Audience With The Pope

A man who is an avid golfer finally gets a once-in-a-lifetime chance for an audience with the Pope. After standing in line for hours, he gets to the Pope and says, "Holiness, I have a question that only you can answer. You see, I love golf, and I feel a real need to know if there is a golf course in heaven. Can you tell me if there is?"

The Pope considers for a moment, and says, "I do not know the answer to your question, my son, but I will talk to God and get back to you."The next day the man is called for another audience with the Pope to receive the answer to his question. He stands before the Pope, who says, "My son, I have some good news and some bad news in relation to your question. The good news is that heaven has the most fabulous golf course that you could imagine and is in eternally perfect shape."

"And what's the bad news?" asks the man.

The Pope replies "Your tee-off is tomorrow morning"

The Baptism

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, reverend."

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?

The Floodwaters

It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.

As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. “No,” replied the man on the roof. “I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me.” So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. “Climb in!” shouted a man in the boat. “No,” replied the man on the roof. “I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me.” So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. “No” replied the man on the roof. “I have faith in the Lord. The Lord will save me.” So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and sadly, the poor man drowned.

Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. “Heavenly Father, “he said, “I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?” God gave him a puzzled look, and replied, “I sent you tow boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?”