Plane crash - 5 people, 4 parachutes

Wayne Rooney, Hillary Clinton, the Pope, Julia Gillard & a school boy were all on the same plane when the engine failed and started to plummet towards the Earth. They all realised that there was 5 of them & only 4 parachutes. 
Wayne Rooney got up and said, "I'm a sporting superstar and need to continue to impress my fans and country, Manchester United and England need me, I can't afford to die..." So he took the first pack and left the plane.
Hillary Clinton got up and said, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States, I am the most ambitious woman in the world, I am also a New York Senator and a potential future President." She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
Then Julia Gillard got up and said "I am the smartest Prime Minister Australia has ever have and I need to live to continue to govern the nation."
Then the Pope said to the school boy "My son, I am old & have lived my life so you should take the last parachute."
The school boy replied, "no it's ok, Your Holiness, the worlds smartest Prime Minister took my school bag so theres one for each of us!"

Olympic Jokes

This is how the logo for the Beijing 2008 Olympics came about in case you didnt know:

Q: What do you call a sporting event for pigs?
A: The Olympigs!

Q: What award was given to the Olympic sneezing champion?
A: A cold medal!

Q: Why are the Olympics held in Beijing, but not on the moon?
A: Because there is no atmosphere on the moon!

Q: Why isn't suntanning an Olympic sport?
A: Because the best you can ever get is bronze.

Q: Why did they send the Olympic judge out in search of the lost wedding ring?
A: Because he was a medal detector.

Q: Why were the Canadian athletes upset?
A: Because everyone kept thinking they were from the US, eh?

Q: Where does the track team keep its medals?
A: In the pole vault.

Q: Why was the racewalker disqualified?
A: Because her nose was running.

Q: What's a horse's favorite event?
A: The mare-athon.

Q: Why is the track team so talkative?
A: Because they're always discus-ing.
It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.
The Judges' scores read: England: 5.8 USA: 5.9 Russia: 5.9 Australia: 5.9 Ireland: 6.0
Next comes the Australian competitor in a sparkling green and gold costume, skating to some rock and roll music. The Aussie gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple spin and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.
The Judges' scores read: England: 5.8 USA: 5.7 Russia: 5.6 Australia: 5.9 Ireland: 6.0
Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his willies. He skates to U2's 'Beautiful Day'. As it starts, he reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.
The Judges' scores read: England: 0.0 USA: 0.0 Russia: 0.0 Australia: 0.0 Ireland: 6.0
The other 4 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, "How the heck can you give that mess 6.0???!!"
To which the Irish judge replies "You've got to remember, it's darn slippery out there."

Barack Obama is making a speech about the 2012 London Olympics. He said, "O... O... O... O... O..." His aide tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Mr. President, that's the Olympic rings. Your speech is over here."

4 People On A Train

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In the USSR, we have the best vodka in the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as what we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away...". Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle out the window.

All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban opens a box of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world are there better cigars, and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the box of Havanas out the window.

One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

The American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the lawyer out...

Jokes about Occupations

Lawyers

Whats the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead possum lying in
the road? The skid marks in front of the possum!

Whats the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
The prostitute stops screwin' ya after your dead.

How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

There was this guy who liked to hit lawyers with his car. One day he saw a Catholic priest who's car was broken down on side of the road, so to be nice he decided to give him a ride to the mechanic. They were driving and the man saw a lawyer, so he instictively went to hit him, then he thought "Oh my gosh I have a priest in my car." So the man swerved out of the way of the lawyer. At the same time the priest opened the door. Then the man said, "I'm so sorry, I almost hit a lawyer." And the priest said,"That's O.K. I got him with the door."

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing
"Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over
them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying
scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the
balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.____________new!

A lawyer soliciting a potential client told the man he got his
last three clients suspended. What he didn't mention was that
they were all hung. ____________new!
Judge: I find the defendant innocent.
Defendant: Does that mean I can keep the money?

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bag of shit?
A: The bag.

A lawyer was walking in Central Park. As he was walking he stepped in some dog shit. He took a couple of steps looked down at his foot and said "Oh no I'm melting".

A lawyer was talking to his client who just committed murder. "I have some good news, and some bad news. The bad news is that you're getting the electric chair." His client said "That's terrible!! Well, what's the good news? " The lawyer said "I got the voltage lowered".
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to each answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Psychiatrists

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office complaining that no one ever pays any attention to him. "NEXT!" replies the psychiatrist.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.
Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional...

Rich

A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, 'We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?'
The business man replied: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?'

Other

At about 3:00, a plane took off for New York. On the plane there was a pilot, boy scout, priest, and the smartest man in the world. All of a sudden the engine blows up and the plane starts going down. The people are startled and start looking for the parachutes. They find them but there are only 3 parachutes. The pilot takes one and says 'This is my plane so I get a parachute.' And then jumps out the door. The smartest man in the world grabs one and says, 'I'm the smartest man in the world and the they will need me down there' And then jumps out the door. The priest goes and grabs the last parachute and says, 'I need to spread my wisdom around the world. Sorry kid.' Then the boy scout all the sudden speaks up and says, 'No...Thats okay. The smartest man in the world just took my nap sack!'

Three engineers are riding in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car stalls and stops by the side of the road. The three engineers look at each other with bewilderment, wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer, not knowing much about mechanics, suggests, "Let's strip down the electronics of the car and try to trace where a fault might have occurred."
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about electronics, suggests, "Maybe the fuel has become emulsified and is causing a blockage somewhere in the system."
The Microsoft engineer suggests, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it will work."

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The boy said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

Worth A Laugh

The Old Couple at Maccas

An old man placed an order at McDonalds for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, "we're just fine - they were used to sharing everything."

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered...

(Keep scrolling, great answer coming up!)

(Slow down with the scrolling, the answer is coming up...)

"THE TEETH!"

Lawyer In Hell

A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said. In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second." In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third." In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee. "I'll choose this room," he said. Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him. Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "OK, coffee break is over, back on your heads."

One or Nothing

A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.

"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well--only double." The man thought about this for a while.

"For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced. Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited.

"Every lawyer in the world has just received $20,000,000," the genie said.

"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish." Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "Every lawyer in the world has just recieved two Ferraris," the genie said.

"And what is your last wish?"

"Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."

Passing A Parrot

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

A Dodgy Sermon

A newly ordained Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus and his disciples as JC and the boys.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

15) Jesus was nailed to a cross. They did not "Tack his ass to a tree."

Meeting Steven Spielberg

While on holidays in America, a Chinese man walked into a bar late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a smack on the face and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, and my grandfather was killed! Now, get out of here!"
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese!"
"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese man gives Spielberg a smack on the face and says, "You sank the Titanic; my ancestors were on that ship!"
Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was an iceberg that sank the ship,not me!"
The Chinese replies, "Yeah yeah yeah... Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same!"

(This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition in England.)

Little Johnny Jokes

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.
Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank you when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.
At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say he can see good?"
The Mother said, "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision."
Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!"

Teacher; Didn't you promise to behave?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir.
Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.

Little Johnny returned from school and told his father that he'd gotten an "F" in arithmetic.
"Why?" asked the father.
"The teacher asked me 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said '6,'" replied Johnny.
"But that's right!" exclaimed his father.
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'" explained Johnny.
"What the heck's the difference?" asked his father.
"That's what I said!!" replied Johnny.

Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the schoolyard. Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.
The first one said: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!"
The second one said: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!"
Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: "Sorry, dudes... but MY DAD is the fastest. He's a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,... and he's home by 3:45!"

On day Little Johnny said to his mother "Mom, remember that vase you always worried I'd break?" "Yes. What about it?" she asked.
Little Johnny replied "Your worries are over!"

Johnny has just received his driver's license. His family goes out to the driveway and climbs into the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the backseat, directly behind the new driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," replies his father, "I'm going to sit here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!"

Teacher: "Johnny, give me a sentence starting with 'I'"
Little Johnny: "I is..." Teacher: "No, Little Johnny. Always say 'I am.'"
Little Johnny: "All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!

Little Johnny was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything, tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short everything that they could think of.
Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Johnny down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School.
After the first day, little Johnny comes home with a very serious look on his face.
He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books and paper are spread out all over the room & Little Johnny is hard at work.
His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner & to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for some time, day after day while the Mother tries to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, Little Johnny brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table & goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it & to her surprise, Little Johnny got an A in Math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room & says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" little Johnny looks at her and shakes his head no.
"Well then," She asks "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it??" Little Johnny looks at her and say "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

There's this school down in South Texas where there are very few white kids, mostly all Mexican. The teacher was asking for the kids to identify famous quotes.
She asked, "Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country'?"
Little Johnny raises his hand, but she calls on Maria, who answers, "John F Kennedy." Then, she asks "Who said, 'I have a dream...'?"
Little Johnny raises his hands, both of them, and waves them around, but she calls on Juan, who says, "Martin Luther King."
This continues with quotes from Winston Churchill and other notable historians. Finally, the bell rings, and in the confusion and noise of the kids leaving the classroom, a voice from the back of the room yells, "To hell with all those Mexicans."
The teacher hollers out, "Who said that!" Little Johnny puts up his hand and replies, "Davy Crockett, at the Alamo."

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, "Put that away Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "Okay, I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"
He says, "I wanna play Mommy and Daddy."
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.
Little Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers' old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises up and says,
"What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

Little Johnny refused to eat.
So his mother, in desperation, took him to the psychiatrist, who tried many methods, to no avail. The psychiatrist asked, "What would you like to eat?"
"Worms" Little Johnny said.
The psychiatrist was gleeful as he sent his nurse for cupful. Placing them on a plate, he said, "Here they are."
"I want them fried" was the response.
The nurse took them and had them fried. When presented with them, Little Johnny replied that he only desired one.
The psychiatrist took one and in a strong voice said, "Here is only one. Now eat it." "I only want half and you eat the other" was the reply.
The psychiatrist swallowed one half and gave the other to Little Johnny. Just then Little Johnny began to cry.
The doctor asked what was wrong. Little Johnny said, "You ate my half!"

EASTER JOKES PART 1

Q: What do you call rabbits that marched in a long sweltering Easter parade?
A: Hot, cross bunnies.

Q: What do you call Easter when you are hopping around?
A: Hoppy Easter!

Q: What do you call a duck that just doesn't fit in?
A: Mallardjusted.

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken and the Easter Bunny?
A: A good Easter.

Q: What do you call a duck who plays basketball?
A: A slam duck.

Q: Why was the rabbit rubbing his head?
A: Because he had a eggache! (headache)

Q: How do bunnies stay healthy?
A: Eggercise

Q: What does a rooster say to a hen he likes?
A: Your one hot chick!

Q: What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?
A: A receding hareline.

Q: What do ducks have for lunch?
A: Soup and quackers!

Q: Why did the rabbit cross the road?
A: Because it was the chicken's day off.

Q: What do you call a bunny with a dictionary in his pants?
A: A smarty pants.

Q: What do you call a bunny with a large brain?
A: An egghead.

Q: What would you call the Easter Bunny if he married a chicken?
A: The very first rabbit to lay an egg!

Q: Why are people always tired in April?
A: Because they just finished a march

Q: Why did the magician have to cancel his show?
A: He'd just washed his hare and couldn't do a thing with it.

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the priest was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside The priest said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Father." The priest questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service. "

EASTER JOKES PART 2

Q: How do you catch a unique bunny?
A: Unique up on it!!

Q: Why did the Easter egg hide?
A: He was a little chicken!

Q: What's the difference between a bunny and a lumberjack?
A: One chews and hops, the other hews and chops.

Q: What do you call the Easter Bunny after a hard day's work?
A: Tired.

Q: Why did the Easter Bunny hop down the road?
A: He was making the movie.

Q: What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
A: It's been nice gnawing at you.

Q: What did the bunny put over his sore?
A: A eggage.

Q: Why did a fellow rabbit say that the Easter Bunny was self-centered?
A: Because he is eggocentric.

Q: Where does Valentine's Day comes after Easter?
A: In the dictionary.

Q: Do you know how bunnies stay in shape?
A: Hareobics.

Q: How does the Easter Bunny say Happy Easter?
A: Hoppy Easter!

Q: Why is the letter A like a flower?
A: A bee comes after it

Q: What type of movie is about water fowl?
A: A duckumentary.

Q: What grows between your nose and chin?
A: Tulips.

Q: What is the end of Easter?
A: The letter R.

Q: What do you get when you find a rabbit with no hair?
A: A hairless hare!

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. Jesus tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by Jesus is "What is Easter"?
The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..." "Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies Jesus.
He turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven.
He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"? The third blonde smiles confidently and looks Jesus in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says Jesus, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." Jesus smiled broadly with delight. The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

Footy Jokes Part 1: WA football

Which Fremantle Dockers player loves honey and stings when you attack him? Paul Haslebee! (Hasleby)

Which Fremantle Dockers player drives a tractor? Jeff Farmer!

Which Fremantle Dockers player beats eggs and whips cream?
Troy Cook!

Which Fremantle Dockers player laughs a lot?
Robert Ha Ha Ha-drill! (Haddrill)

Which Fremantle Dockers players can you drive? Matthew and Josh Carr!

What do you call a pig who used to play footy for the Fremantle Dockers?
Shane Porker! (Parker)

What is the favourite dessert of Fremantle Dockers captain Matthew Pavlich?
Pav-lovas!

Which West Coast Eagles player can you break easily?
Darren Glass!

Which West Coast Eagles player can you sit on? Chad Fletchair! (Fletcher)

Which West Coast Eagles player carries a gun with him wherever he goes?
Adam Hunter!

Which West Coast Eagles player stings when you attack him? Tyson Stinglein! (Stenglein)

Which West Coast Eagles player loves honey and stings when you attack him? Mark Seabee! (Seaby)

A West Coast Eagles fan is on his way to attend the Western Derby against the Dockers at Subiaco Oval. He was so happy, but when he got to the stadium and found his seat he was somewhat disappointed. His ticket was for the last row, and it was WAY up on the stadium’s 3-tier stand. He couldn't see the game, so he began looking around.Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat in the block near the Dockers’ interchange bench. Thinking to himself, "what a waste", he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man, wearing a Dockers jumper, sitting next to it "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Dockers fan. We’ve been attending every Dockers home match since the club was founded in 1995." The other man replied, “I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?" The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

Footy Jokes Part 2

Which two AFL players smell like a trash cans? Essendon's Dustbin Fletcher and West Coast's Drew Binfield! (Dustin,Banfield)

Which two Port Adelaide Power players are yellow and can be eaten? Chad and Kane Cornes!

Which Brisbane Lions player is a millionaire?
Daniel Rich!

Carlton are playing against St Kilda, a so Blues fan walked into local pub with his little dog under his arm to watch the game. The dog was wearing a Blues jumper, and was festooned with navy blue and white pom-poms. The bartender said, "Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"The guy begged him, "Look, I'm desperate. We're both mad Carlton fans, our TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!" After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relented and allowed them to stay in the bar and watch the game. The big game began with the Carlton winning the toss and Brendan Fevola marked and goaled from 30 metres out directly in front. With that, the dog jumped up on the bar, and began walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.The bartender said, “Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do when the Blues score a behind?"The owner replied, “I don't know, I've only had him for 4 years."

The coach of the Geelong Football Club’s Under 18s team walked into the change room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate...what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "Four?" "Four?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all his teammates began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to the Anzac Day game between Collingwood Magpies and Essendon Bombers at the MCG. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. They barracked for Bombers. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" And the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats. After Bombers captain Matthew Lloyd kicked the opening goal of the match, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke into applause and cheered. When the umpire penalised the star of the Essendon, Scott Lucas, for a push in the back, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and they all started booing and cat calling. Thinking things were going very well, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a meat pie, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a brawl involving more than a dozen players in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked," What in the world happened? "The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine till a Collingwood supporter passed by and yelled PEANUTS!"

Inspiring Music At Church

A priest was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the mass," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the mass, the priest paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played, "Advance Australia Fair."

Valentines Day Jokes

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?

A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we'll go places!

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: I'm stuck on you.

Q: Who sends a thousand valentines cards signed', guess who' ?
A: A divorce lawyer.

Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.

Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A: No, but they had an apple.

Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?

Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?
A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.
Knock, Knock,
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you!

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn't get a date.

Q: What is a ram's favourite song on February 14th?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear

Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner?
A: A stamp.

Q: What happens when you fall in love with a French chef?
A: You get buttered up.

Q: What is a vampire's sweetheart called?
A: His ghoul-friend.

Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
A: Antelope.

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.
'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'
'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'
Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'

Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London.
The jeweller inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?'
Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave "To my one and only love".'
The jeweller smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.'
Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.'

When a woman on the staff of the school where I worked became engaged, a friend and colleague offered her some advice.
'The first ten years are the hardest.'
'How long have you been married?' she asked.
'Ten years', he replied.

Phil, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub. He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes. Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, 'I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just $10 but on one condition.'
The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance, 'What's your condition?'
Phil answered, 'Tell me your wish in just three words.'
There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, 'Clean my house.'

Expectant Dad

An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was doing.
By mistake he dialled the number for Melbourne Cricket Ground during the a Test Match.
“How’s it going?” he asked. “Fine,” came the answer, “We’ve got five out already and only 5 more to go. The last one was a duck..”

The Old Nun

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said:
"And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the tradesmen yelled down 'why'?
The worker yelled back, "Cos his wife's here with his lunch"