Pope Down Under

The Pope goes to Australia. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?''

The driver is understandably hesistant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.''

But the Pope persists, ''Please?''

The driver finally lets up. ''Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the Pope.''

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon!  He hits the gas and goes around 100 km/h in a 60 zone.  A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: ''Chief, I have a problem.''

Chief: ''What sort of problem?''

Cop: ''Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.''

Chief: ''Important like the mayor?''

Cop: ''No, no, much more important than that.''

Chief: ''Important like the governor?''

Cop: ''Wayyyyyy more important than that.''

Chief: ''Like the Prime Minister?''

Cop: ''More.''

Chief: ''Who's more important than the Tony Abbott?''

Cop: ''I don't know, but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur!''

3 Questions

This guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter is standing at the gate. He says, "If you can answer these three questions I will let you in to heaven.  First, how many seconds are in a year?  Second, how many days of the week have a 'T' in them?  Third, what is God's first name? You have until tomorrow to answer these questions."

The guy comes back the next day, St. Peter asks the first question and the guy says, "Twelve." "Twelve?" says St. Peter, "how did you get that?" The man replied, "January 2nd, February 2nd and so on." Peter thinks it over and says, "Well that is not exactly what I meant, but it's technically correct, so I will give you credit."

Then St. Peter asks the second question and the guy answers, "Two." St. Peter asks how he got that answer and the man explains, "Today and Tomorrow." St. Peter again admits that wasn't what he had in mind, but he'll accept that.

Peter then asked the third question -- God's first name. The man says, "Howard.” St. Peter, really perplexed, inquires how the guy got that and the man says, "You know -- it's in the prayer: ‘Our Father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...’"

Buying A Lottery Ticket

John, who was in financial difficulty, walked into a church and started to pray. ''Listen God,'' John said. ''I know I haven't been perfect but I really need to win the lottery. I don't have a lot of money. Please help me out.'' He left the church, a week went by, and he hadn't won the lottery, so he walked into a synagogue. ''Come on, God,'' he said. ''I really need this money. My mom needs surgery and I have bills to pay. Please let me win the lottery.'' He left the synagogue, a week went by, and he didn't win the lottery. So, he went to a mosque and started to pray again. ''You're starting to disappoint me, God,'' he said. ''I've prayed and prayed. If you just let me win the lottery, I'll be a better person. I don't have to win the jackpot, just enough to get me out of debt. I'll give some to charity, even. Just let me win the lottery.'' John thought this did it, so he got up and walked outside.

The clouds opened up and a booming voice said, ''John, buy a lottery ticket.''

A Familiar Face...

Once upon a time there was a town with a new church steeple with a bell that wouldn't ring. People came from miles around to try it.   One day a small fellow came up to the minister and said 'I can do it'.   The minister said 'Ok, try it.'   The little fellow went to the steeple, took three steps back and ran into the bell with his face.   BONG!!   The bell rang and he was hired.  

One windy day as he took his three steps back to ring the bell, the wind moved the bell.   The little fellow missed the bell and fell out of the steeple.   He landed in the middle of the plaza where people gathered to see what happened.

The minister came through the crowd and asked, 'Does anyone know this fellow's name?'   Just then one person replies, 'I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell!

A Day At The Races

George loves the racetrack. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race. George was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. George made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. George collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, George bet on it, and won! George was elated. As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. George began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves one of the horses. George placed his bet - every cent he owned - and watched the horse come in dead last.

George was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I've lost my life savings, thanks to you!!" The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants ... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last rites!"

An Old Man and his Dog

An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day. Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would bring in. The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn.

     One bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed into town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the money carefully. He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips. Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for his wrench. To his surprise, he didn't feel it. He dug around again, but there didn't seem to be any wrench. He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but still no wrench. Reality set in. Without a wrench he couldn't finish the job, and without the pay he couldn't even buy food for that night's supper, let alone for tomorrow. When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who hired him what the situation was. While she sympathized with his situation, the job needed to be done. If the old man couldn't do it, she would have to hire someone else.

     The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and shoulders stooped. The whistle was gone and no longer was there a spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever. But finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn. When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man how glad he was to see him. Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him, and through tear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow. What's more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held.

     It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he ever had! Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass. As the old man went over to see what this piece of shining material was, his despair turned in an instant to joy! It was the wrench! The old man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the house than he usually did! The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him, and ran into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion. Few people have ever heard these words...until now, that is. One man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has his name recorded in music history. The old man never did get the credit he deserved.

     But now you are privileged to read the beginning line of his original poem, which went: "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me."

Haircut Jokes

Q: Whats the difference between a good barber and a bad barber? 

A: About two weeks.

A man was coming out of a new barber shop which he decided to try out. He met his friend and his friend asked him if the barber did a good job. He replied ” the haircut looks fine but I didn’t like the four-letter words  he used when cutting my hair.” “What did he say?” his friend asked? “Oops!” the man replied.
I  have a barbershop in New York City. One day a priest walked in for a haircut. When I finished, I told him not to pay since he is doing G-D’s work. The next morning he came by with a nice bouquet of flowers. About a week later, a cop came in, and I told him, “Thanks for you service to society, please don’t pay.” The next morning, he dropped by with some coffee and donuts. A couple of weeks later a lawyer came in, and after his haircut I thanked him for his service to the justice system and told him,”No need to pay!” The next morning he came by and dropped off another 5 lawyers!

A man and a boy go into a barber’s. The man has a trim then says to the boy, "You get your hair cut while I go to the supermarket and get some shopping." 

The boy has his hair cut but the man does not return. 

"Looks like your dad’s forgotten you’re here," says the barber. 

"That wasn’t my dad," replies the boy. "That guy grabbed me on the street, said “How would you like a free haircut” and dragged me in here."

A priest went into a barbershop and got his hair cut. He then asked how much he owed the barber. "No charge, Father," the barber said. "I consider it a service to the Lord." When the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the minister.

A few days later, a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered. "I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer.

A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward. "No charge, the barber replied. "I consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop.

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. 

He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your haircut and we'll talk about it." 

After about a month the boy came back and  asked again, his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but, you didn't get your haircut!" 

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair............ " 

To which his father replied....... "Yes, and they walked every where" 

A man walks into a barber’s shop and asks how many people are waiting to be served. ‘I’ve got three cuts and a shave booked this morning,’ replies the barber.
The man leaves but comes back the next day, ‘How many are waiting today?’ he asks. ‘I’ve got two cuts, a dye-job and a shave,’ replies the barber.
Next day the man is back with the same question, and the barber tells him, ‘Four cuts and a wash.’ This goes on for weeks until the barber gets suspicious – perhaps the man is a rival planning on opening his own barber shop in the area. Perhaps he wants to find out how much business he can expect.
To solve the mystery he gets his assistant to follow the man the next time he drops by. Next day the man comes in, asks his usual question and leaves, this time trailed by the assistant. When the assistant gets back, the barber says, ‘Well? Who is he? Where did he go?’ The assistant replies, ‘I don’t know who he is, but he seems to be a friend of your wife. He just went round to your house.’

A man walked in to Joe’s Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks “What’s up?”

The man proceeds to explain he’s taking a vacation to Rome. “ROME?!” Joe says, “Why would you want to go there? It’s a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You’d be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?” “We’re taking TWA,” the man replies.

“TWA?!” yells Joe. “They’re a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late! So where you staying in Rome?” The man says “We’ll be at the downtown International Marriot.” “That DUMP?!” says Joe. “That’s the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they’re overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?” The man says “We’re going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope.”

“HA! That’s rich!” laughs Joe. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You’re going to need it!”

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, “Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!” “No, quite the opposite” explained the man. “Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!”

“Hmmm,” Joe says, “Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described.” “No, quite the opposite! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling. It’s the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!”

“Well,” Joe mumbles, “I KNOW you didn’t get to see the Pope!” “Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”

Impressed, Joe asks, “Tell me, please! What’d he say?” “Oh, not much really, he just said, “Where’d you get that dreadful haircut?"