The Priest and the Taxi Driver

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

"Come with me", said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

"Wow, thank you", said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

"Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word."

"Yes, that's true. But during your sermons, people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed."

Big City Lawyer Goes Duck Hunting

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. If you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.

The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.

The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart and vengeful will, managed to get to his feet, and said, "Okay, you old coot; now it's my turn."

The geezer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

The Poor Sermon

A minister was called away unexpectedly by the illness of a close family member. He entrusted his new assistant with filling the pulpit. The Pastor's wife stayed home. When he returned, the Pastor asked his wife what she thought of the young man's sermon.

"The poorest I've ever heard," she said. "There was nothing in it, nothing at all. It didn't even make sense. It was very unorganized. I was disappointed."

Later that day, the concerned minister met his assistant and asked him, "How'd the Sunday service and sermon go? Did all go well? How did you manage?"

"All went very well, sir, absolutely wonderful," he said. "I didn't have time to prepare a new sermon of my own on such short notice, so I got on your computer and pulled up one of your old sermons from last year."

The Funeral

A priest, a rabbi, a doctor and a lawyer are gathered at a mutual friend's graveside to mourn his passing.

The priest says to the others, "I think our good friend would have liked to take something with him to his next life." He pulls a $100 bill from his wallet and drops it on the casket.

The rabbi agrees, "That's a fine idea," and drops his own $100 bill on the casket.

The doctor, not to be outdone, does the same.

The lawyer murmurs, "What a wonderful thought," as he gazes down at their friend's casket. Whipping out his pen, he quickly writes a check for $400, drops it into the grave and takes the three $100 bills as change.