Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman Jokes

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were having lunch in a restaurant. While waiting for their meals to be served, they had a chat among themselves.

The Englishman says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber, because when I came home the other day, I found some plumbing tools under her bed."

The Scotsman says "I think my wife is having an affair with a carpenter, because when I came home the other day, I found some carpentry tools under her bed."

The Irishman says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." His friends looked at him in disbelief. The Irishman says, "No I'm serious. When I came home the other day, I found a jockey in her wardrobe."

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman picked the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, YA B@$T@RD!!! SPIT IT OUT!!!"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him.

The Englishman, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport.

Next came the Scotsman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard. "Nothing" said the Scotsman and, after receiving his lashes, spat on the ground, called the prison guards 'Schisers' and started off towards the airport.

The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the Scotsman".

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it."I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Scotsman says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Irishman says, "Please fill it up with water."

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went on a mountain-climbing expedition together. Everything was going fine until one day, while they were walking along a narrow ledge, an avalanche ripped away the ledge on each side of them. As they stood there wondering what to do, with the freezing night closing in, there was a strange shimmering in the air and a good fairy appeared, floating in front of them. She raised her wand and declared that, as they had all been good and the expedition was sponsored for charity and so forth, she was to rescue them from their terrible plight. Each of them could wish to be transformed into any bird of their choice in order to get safely off the mountain, and would return to their normal form once they reached home.

She turned first to the Englishman and asked what he wanted to be. "A swan," he replied, and a beautiful white swan replaced him. Stepping off the ledge, it spread its wings and flew off for England.

The fairy turned to the Scotsman, who immediately and proudly chose a golden eagle,which he became. With a magnificent swoop, he launched from the ledge and soared away, glorying in the freedom of flight as he returned to Scotland.

The Irishman watched the two birds disappearing into the distance from the ledge as the fairy turned to him. "And what bird do you choose?" she asked. He thought, and mused, then said, "A penguin."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all in the jungle being persued by a tribe of savages. The savages are closing so they 3 friends decide to hide up trees. The savages reach the trees, and think they look suspicious.

They shake the first tree, which contains the Englishman. "Caw, Caw," is heard from among the leaves. "It's a parrot," says the savages.

They move to the next tree, which contains the Scotsman, and shake it. An "eek, eek," is heard. "It's a monkey," says the savages.

They shake the third tree, which contains the Irishman. All that is heard is a single "Mooooo"....

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are being chased by a policeman. They see this old warehouse so they run in. Inside there are 3 big empty potato sacks on the floor. They each jump into a sack. In comes the cop and sees these three sacks on the floor.
He goes up to the first one and kicks it. The Englishman shouts out, "Woof Woof", and the cop says, "It's only a dog."

He leaves it and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, "Meow meow", he leaves this one as he says, "It's only a cat."

He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out "Potatoes! Potatoes!"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman got lost in a massive forest and are cold, hungry and thirsty.

The Englishman finds a nuns convent and thinks great, a bed and some food. He knocks on the door and a nun invites him in, they are all very welcoming and give him food and drink. After that they sort him out with a room to use for the night. After being asleep for a few hours he wakes up to this hideously loud thumping noise that terrifies him. He finds a nun and asks her what this terrible noise is. She replies "I can't tell you, you're not a nun." At this the Englishman flees the convent.

Later that night, the Scottish man comes across the convent and thinks "great!" The nuns welcome him in and give him food and drink. Later they give him a room to spend the night in. A few hours after being asleep, he wakes up to the hideous noise. He asks one of the nuns what it is, but the nun replies "I can't tell you, you're not a nun". At this, he leaves the convent.

Even later that night, the Irishman goes into the convent. He has food and drink, then goes to bed. During the night he wakes up to this frightening banging noise. He goes out in the corridor and asks a nun what the noise is. She replies "I can't tell you, you're not a nun!" At this he finds a store cupboard containing a nuns habit. He puts it on and finds a nun. He says to her "Hello, I'm sister Riley, the new nun, can you please tell me what that terrible noise is?" "I'll do better than that, I'll show you, follow me!" she says. She takes him up a corridor to two big oak doors, through the doors is a long winding staircase leading to two big iron doors. Through these doors there is a massive room with a hole in the floor and a ladder leading down the hole. They go down the ladder into another room and through another door. Then the nun says to him "This is where the noise is coming from!" Guess what it was?......I'm sorry, I can't tell you. You're not a nun!"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were sentenced to execution by firing squad.

The Englishman was first up and he was placed against the wall to be shot. When the commander shouted "Ready, aim!", he looked to his left and shouted "Tornado!" The soldiers dropped their rifles and ran away, and when they returned, the Englishman had escaped by hopping off the wall.

The Scotsman was then brought in and placed against the wall to be fired. As the commander shouted, "Ready, aim!", he looked to his right and shouted "Earthquake!" The soldiers fled in fear again, and the Scotsman made his escape by hopping off the wall.

Finally, the Irishman was brought in and placed against the wall. As the commander shouted "Ready, aim!", the Irishman looked straight at the soldiers and shouted "Fire!" and they did...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman and a Welshman were travelling in an aircraft that went out of control and was about to crash. To their dismay, they discovered that there were only three parachutes in the plane.

The Scotsman argued that he ought to have one since he was a very important businessman whose death would result in the collapse of the stockmarket.

The Welshman handed him over the first parachute and he baled out.

Next the Irishman argued that he should be given a parachute. He was an important politician upon whom all hope of peace in Ireland rested. The Irishman silently put the straps over his shoulders and he jumped out after the Scotsman.

The Welshman now turned to the Englishman and handed him a parachute. 'Here you are' he said cheerfully. 'But what about you?' gasped the Englishman, amazed at this unflinching heroism. 'Oh, I'll be all right' said the Welshman. The Irishman took my haversack'.

There is an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman driving through the desert. They are driving along at quite a rate when the fan belt snaps.
"Fanbelt's gone lads, we'll have to abandon the jeep." says the Scotsman turns to the others and goes, "Right on guys take one thing that will be of use."

The Englishman opens up the bonnet and rips out the radiator. The Scotsman turns around and says, "What you gonna do with that?" "It's still got a bit of water in it, I can use it as a canteen." Says the Englishman.

"Good thinkin," says the Scotsman removing the hood. "What use is that?" says the Englishman. "You know I burn easily, It'll keep the sun off."

"Good point." The two turn round to ask the Irishman what he's taking. They are both shocked to find the Irishman breaking his back trying to tear the passenger's door off.

"Paddy? What the hell you gonna do with that?" they ask.

"Well, when I get too hot I can wind the window down."

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman were all stranded in a desert and somehow manage to find a deer. They all wanted their fair share so the Englishman said "We'll sort it out by who you support". The Englishman said "I support Liverpool so I'll have the Liver".

Then the Scotsman said "I support hearts so I'll have the heart".

The Irishman said "I support arsenal but I'm not that hungry!"

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field. The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow." The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow." The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath."