A Dodgy Sermon

A newly ordained priest Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Bishop how he had done. 

The Bishop replied, "During my first mass, I was very nervous too. But I was told to put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, you should be fine." 

So the next Sunday he took the Bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. 

Upon his return to the presbytery after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.. 

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the s**t out of him.. 

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his @$$. 

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.' 

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say, "Eat me." 

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'. 

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: 'Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.'

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Chinese English

A Chinese man was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1.This is what he came up with.....

1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up.. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6. He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a3 and jump down! I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.

An ITALIAN vs a CHINESE

 *An ITALIAN and a CHINESE entered a chocolate store.*

 *As they were busy looking, the ITALIAN stole 3 chocolate bars. As they
left the store, the ITALIAN said to the CHINESE:*
 

*"Man I'm the best thief in the world, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no
one saw me. you can't beat that?" **

**The CHINESE replied: "You want to see something better ? Let's go back to
the shop and I'll show you real stealing."

So they went to the counter and the CHINESE said to the shopkeeper:  "Do
you want to see magic ?"*

 *The shopkeeper replied: "Yes."*

 *The CHINESE said: "Give me a chocolate bar." The shopkeeper gave him
one, and he ate it.  The CHINESE asked for a second bar,*
 *and he ate that as well and he asked for the third, and finished that
one too.*

*The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic ?"

The CHINESE replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all
three bars of chocolate."

You just CAN'T beat a CHINESE....*

Religious Golf

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. “Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths." The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. “Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked. "None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But, there’s a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal. Then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said Nicklaus. “Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. “Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous." “There’s bad news?" asked the Pope. “Yes, I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods."