Two Lawyers and a Bear

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear.

The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers, and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

Football Match > Funeral

Fred, a Collingwood fan, had front row seats at the MCG for the AFL Grand Final against Hawthorn. As Fred sat down, a man in a Hawks jumper came and asked him if anyone was going to occupy the seat next to him. 

       

"No," said Fred, "sit right down. The seat will be empty." 

       

"That's incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would reserve a seat like this for the AFL Grand Final and then not use it?" 

       

Fred said, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Pies game we haven't been to together since we got married nearly 50 years ago." 

       

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor - to take her seat?" 

       

Fred shook his head sadly. "No. They're all at the funeral."

The Pope and Trump

During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Trump. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Trump emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Trump declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.

      

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly, he announced his meeting with the President was a failure. Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Trump just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed".

      

Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."

Proposal at a Footy Match

A university student took his new girlfriend to an AFL game. They found seats in the packed MCG and were watching the action. A player took a screamer above an opponent, and the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year." 
       
His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a boy to propose to a girl. But, regardless of how you said it, I accept!"

3 Parachutes

A Nobel prize winner, an old Catholic priest and a boy scout was flying across the Atlantic when the pilot came bursting through the door and anounced: "We've lost both engines, and there are only three parachutes on the plane. I only received my pilot's licence last month and I still have to serve a lot of people; I simply have to live." With that he grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The Nobel prize winner said: "Just last week I received the prize for being the smartest man on earth. I have a lot of work to do for mankind, sorry, I also have to live." He grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest turned to the boy and said; "Son, I have lived a long life; I have put my faith in what Jesus has done for me and I know for certain that when I die I will go to heaven. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. You take the last parachute and jump."

"Not to worry Father," the boy replied, "there's still two chutes left; the smartest man in the world just jumped with my backpack."

Native Indian Weatherman

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."
       

The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.
      
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
      
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."

What Just Happened?

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control. 
       
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!" 
       
They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!" 
       
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"

Welcome to America

A foreign visitor was being given a tour of Washington, D.C. one day by an American friend of hers. She was amazed at the size of the Monuments, the Congressional Buildings, and so forth. Finally she gazed upon the White House itself. 
       
"My, that's an incredibly large building!" she remarked. 
       
"Yes, it's pretty big, alright." said her friend. 
       
"Big? It's huge!! About how many people work in there?" she asked. 
       
"Oh... about half."