Cricket In Heaven

Pat and Mike, both in their 90's, had played cricket together and, after they retired, had remained close friends. Pat suddenly fell deathly ill. Mike visited Pat on his deathbed. After they talked a while and it became obvious that Pat had only a few more minutes to live, Mike said, "Listen old friend. After you die, try and get a message back to me. I want to know if there's cricket in heaven."

With his dying breath, Pat whispers, "If God permits, I'll do my best to get you an answer."

A few days after Pat died, Mike is sleeping when he hears Pat's voice.

Pat says, "Mike, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is, yes, there IS cricket in heaven. The bad news is, you're opening the batting."

What Time Is It?

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep.

As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

"Yes?"

"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"

The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15".

The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

"8:25!"

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!."

Fred's Last Note

Ol' Fred was in the hospital, near death. His family called their priest to stand with them and give the last rites.  
As the priest stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.  
The priest lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.   
The priest thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. 
As Ol' Fred's funeral was about to finish, the priest suddenly remembered the note and pulled it out of his pocket.  
He said, "You know, ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died.  I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."   
He opened the note, and read, "Dear Father, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

The Stethoscope

A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones' chests, would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts.

Their eyes would always light up with awe. But she never got a response to equal four-year-old David's. She placed the disk over his heart. "Listen," she said, "what do you suppose that is?"

He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up, as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap-tap-tapping deep in his chest.

Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin. "Is that Jesus knocking?" he asked.

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." (Revelation 3:20)

Three Wishes

Three men -- an editor, a photographer, and a journalist -- are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumble upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp, a genie appears and says, "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The photographer goes first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie grants him his wish and sends him on off to St. Thomas.

The journalist goes next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie grants him his wish and sends him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it's the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asks the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch," replies the editor. "The deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours."

A Drunk Irishman

An old Irishman had been drinking at the pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
The next morning, his wife asked him, "Were you out drinking last night?"
"How did you know?" he asks, putting on an innocent look. His wife replied, "The bartender just called to tell me that you left your wheelchair at the pub again!!!"

A Chinese Man and Steven Spielberg

A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. 

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. 

Instead, Spielberg gives him a smack and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here!" 

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your PearlHarbour, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg. 

In return, the Chinese man gives Spielberg a smack and said, "You sank the Titanic, my ancestors were on that ship!" 

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." 

The Chinese replied, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

Golf Shot

It was a sunny Saturday morning and Joe was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker: "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"

Joe was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement: "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!"

Joe had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"

Valentines Day Jokes

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we'll go places!

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: I'm stuck on you.

Q: Who sends a thousand valentines cards signed', guess who' ?
A: A divorce lawyer.

Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.

Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A: No, but they had an apple.

Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?

Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?
A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.

Knock, Knock,
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you! 

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sherwood
Sherwood who?
Sherwood like to be your Valentine! 

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pooch
Pooch who?
Pooch your arms around me! 

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Atlas
Atlas who?
Atlas, it's Valentine’s Day! 

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Emma
Emma who?
Emma hoping I get lots of cards on Valentine’s Day! 

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Luke
Luke who?
Luke who got a Valentine! 

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frank you for being my friend! 

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jimmy
Jimmy who?
Jimmy a little kiss!

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn't get a date.

Q: What is a ram's favourite song on February 14th?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear

Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner?
A: A stamp.

Q: What happens when you fall in love with a French chef?
A: You get buttered up.

Q: What is a vampire's sweetheart called?
A: His ghoul-friend.

Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
A: Antelope.

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

A Good Joke For Lent

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. 

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. 
Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn’t take it anymore. 

They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism. 

They went over and talked to him. John decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic, which made them all very happy. 

They took him to church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, “You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic.” 

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. 

The next year’s Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and, just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their cold tuna fish dinner, the smell of steak cooking on a grill came wafting into their homes. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? 

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John’s yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, “You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish.” 

Dog's Higher Education

A dog is so smart that his master decides to send him to college.

Home for vacation, his master asks him how college is going.

"Well," says the dog, "I'm not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages."

"Really!" says the master. "Say something in a foreign language."

The dog says, "Meow!"

Year Of The Monkey Jokes

Q: Where should a monkey go when he loses his tail?

A: To a retailer! 

Q: What did the banana do when it saw a monkey? 

A: The banana split! 

Q: What kind of a key opens a banana? 

A: A monkey! 

Q: Why did the monkey like the banana? 

A: Because it had appeal! 

Q: What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear? 

A: Anything you want, it can't hear you! 

Q: Why don't monkeys play cards in the jungle? 

A: There are too many cheetahs there! 

Q: What do you call a baby monkey? 

A: A Chimp off the old block. A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. 
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" 
The guy says, "No, what?" 
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. 
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." 
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. 
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. 
"Now what?", responds the patron. 
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. 
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!" 

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. 
Three weeks later, a monkey walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. 
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the monkey's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" 
"Not really," said the monkey. "Your name is written inside the cover." 

A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a monkey in the front seat. 
"What are you doing with that monkey?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo." 
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the monkey again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. 
"I thought you were going to take that monkey to the zoo!" 
The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!" 

A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her "How do you put an elephant in the fridge?" 
The teacher said "I don't know, how?" 
Jacob then said "You open the door and put it in there!" 
Then Jacob asked the teacher another question "How do you put a monkey in the fridge?" 
The teacher then replied "Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?" 
Jacob said "No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there." 
Then he asked another question..."All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?" 
The teacher a bit confused and said "The lion?" 
Then the student said "No,the monkey because he's still in the fridge." 
Then he asked her just one more question...."If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you" 
The teacher then says "You would walk over the bridge." 
Then Jacob says "No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!" 
She laughs and walks away. 

Texan In London

A Texan is visiting London and his taxi driver is taking him on a tour of the City's historical landmarks.
As they went past the Tower of London the cabbie explained what the building was and provided a brief history. Upon hearing that its construction started in 1346 and was completed in 1412, the Texan stated, "Really? A little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament, and the cabbie again gave a brief history, omitting the construction dates this time. However, being eager to brag, the Texan questioned its construction too. The cabbie replied that it was built in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well, boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a month!"
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent.
"Well? What's that over there?" asked the Texan.
The annoyed cabbie scratches his head and replied "I haven't the foggiest idea, Sir. It wasn't there yesterday!"

Unsuccessful Operation

A politician awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed," he said. "Is it night?"

A nurse replied, "No, it is just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."

Football Match > Funeral

A Liverpool fan arrives at Anfield and makes his way to his seat at the Kop. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. He responds, "No, the seat's empty."
"The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this in the famous Kop and not use it?" 
The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first Liverpool game we haven't been together."
 The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?"
 The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."

Drowning Preacher

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." 
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me."
 Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"