The burglar and the dog

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" 

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: 

"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. 

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Doberman Jesus."

The Irishman and his 3 beers

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.

This happens yet again.  The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother.  You know-the two beers and all..."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself,  have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

A two-part Parrot Joke

There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the Captain's parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:

"IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE!"or

"IT'S IN HIS POCKET, IT'S IN HIS POCKET!"or

"IT'S IN HIS MOUTH, IT'S IN HIS MOUTH!"

The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to make the parrot disappear if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.

Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of debris in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.

The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said, "OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"

The parrot and magician are rescued that day. The magician lands himself a job at another cruise ship, whilst the parrot was adopted by a Catholic priest.

Whilst the priest was overseas, a coal-vendor came by the presbytery. He knocked on the door a few times, and the parrot finally called out "HELLO?" The coal-vendor, thinking it was a human, asked "Do you want to buy some coal?" to which the parrot replied "GIVE ME A DOZEN! GIVE ME A DOZEN!"

Well, the priest came home a week later and found out that he had to pay for a dozen sacks of coal which the parrot 'bought'. He was very angry with the bird, and for punishment, he took the bird to the living room, spread out his wings and nailed him to the wall.

The parrot hung there alone, upset and swearing to itself. Then it looked across the wall and noticed the priest's large crucifix.

The parrot looked at Jesus and said “How long have you been nailed there?”

“Two thousand years” Jesus replied.
“Wow!” said the parrot. “How much coal did you order?”

Scotsman's Job Interview

A Scotsman wants a job, 

but the boss won't hire him until he passes a little maths test. 

Here is your first question, the boss said. 

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9." 

"Without numbers?" the Scotsman says 

"Dats easy." 

And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Have you no brain? Tree and tree, plus tree makes 9" says the Scot.

"Fair enough," says the boss.

"Here's your second question. 

Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Scotsman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.. "Ere ye go."

The boss scratches his head and says, 

"How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99," says the Scotsman

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire the Scot, 

so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again,  but represent the number 100."

The Scotsman stares into space some more, 

then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. 

"You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" 

The Scot leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree 

and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree. 

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, 

and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

Full Hotel

A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full." 
       
The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies." 
       
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..." 
       
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion." 
       
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?" 
       
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem." 
       
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more." 
       
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger." 
       
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?" 
       
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

Jesus at the Pearly Gates

St Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and this will help him decide if he can let them in.

After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about himself. The old man says, "I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter and had a son who I lost at a relatively young age, and although he was not my natural child, I loved him dearly."

Jesus welled up with emotion. He threw his arms around the old man and cried, "DADDY!!!"

The old man replied, "Pinocchio?"

Cars in the Bible

Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A: David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A: Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A: Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.

Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A: Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle: "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."

Interviews For Mars

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.” The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.” The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.” “Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer. The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”

Baptist converts to Catholic

John Smith was the only Baptist to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just had to be done about John, he was just tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert him to be Catholic. They went over and talked with him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic.

They took him to church and the priest sprinkled some water over him and told him "Your were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist and now you are a Catholic". The men of the neighborhood were so relieved, now their biggest Lent temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lent rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came and just at supper time when the neighborhood was setting down to their fish dinners came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! What was going on??? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was a Friday in Lent.

The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was pouring small droplets over his steak on the grill and saying, "you were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

Long Password

An employee had this as his password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLondon

When asked why such a long password, he said he was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

The Amazing Pet Centipede

A man went into a pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy a pet. But, he didn't want your ordinary, garden variety pet! No, he wanted a pet that could do everything! 
       
The shop owner suggested a faithful dog. 
       
The man replied, "Come on, a dog?" 
       
The owner said, "How about a cat?" 
       
The man replied, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!" 
       
The shop owner thought for a minute, then said, "I've got it! A centipede!" 
       
The man said, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." So he got the centipede home and said to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen." 
       
Thirty minutes later, he walked into the kitchen and... it was immaculate! All the dishes and silverware were washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He was absolutely amazed. 
       
He then said to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walked into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; and the plants watered. 
       
The man thought to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!" 


Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." 
       
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede. 
       
By this point the man was wondering what was going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 
       
45 minutes later... still no centipede! He couldn't imagine what had happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where was that centipede? 
       
So he went to the front door, opened it ... and there was the centipede sitting right outside. 
       
The man said, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What happened?!" 
       
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"

Coastal Town Names

Concerned about what will happen to cities if the polar ice caps melt? Don’t be. New names have already been chosen.

Atlantis City, New Jersey

Pariscope, France

Sail ‘Em, Massachusetts

Floodelphia, Pennsylvania

Helsunki, Finland

Sao Marco … Paulo, Brazil

A Job Inteview

Mick had a job interview earlier this week. To get the job, the boss asked him to make a sentence out of these words: green, pink, yellow, blue, white, purple, and black.

Mick thought for a while and answered:

"I hear phone GREEN GREEN GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone, and I say ‘YELLOW, BLUES' that? WHITE did you say?’

Sorry wrong number…

Don’t disturb PURPLE and don't call me BLACK okay? Thank you."

The boss fainted, and Mick never heard from him since then.

The driver, the priest and the lawyer

There was this guy who liked to hit lawyers with his car. One day he saw a Catholic priest who's car was broken down on side of the road, so to be nice he decided to give him a ride. They were driving and the man saw a lawyer, so he instictively went to hit him, then he thought "Oh my gosh I have a priest in my car." So the man swerved out of the way of the lawyer. At the same time the priest opened the door. Then the man said, "I'm so sorry Father, I almost hit a lawyer." And the priest said,"That's O.K. I got him with the door." 

11 People

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter.

Ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to let go, otherwise they would all fall.

They weren't able to choose that person until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

The German Chinese Drycleaner

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a British tourist was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners when he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Hans Schmidt's Laundry." "Hans Schmidt?" he wondered. "How does that belong in Chinatown?"

He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking drycleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry." The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office in London. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase. The tourist asked, "Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Hans Schmidt's Laundry?'

The old man answered, "Ah...Evleebody ask me that. It name of owner."

Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here?"

"It me," replies the old man.

"Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Hans Schmidt?"

"Is simple", said the old man. “Many, many year ago I come to this country. I standing in line at 'Documentation Center of Immigration.' Man in front of me was a German. Lady at counter look at him and say, "What your name?"

He say, "Hans Schmidt."

Then she look at me and say, "What your name?"

I say, "Sam Ting."

The Nun and the Taxi Driver

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and after 5 minutes, the cabbie says,
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next car park."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married with children and I'm an Anglican."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Michael and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

One of my many comedy acts

Potty-mouthed parrot

A young man named John received a parrot for his birthday present. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. 
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "By the way, John, can I ask what the chicken did?"

Typo Error

A Sydney couple booked a holiday to Bali. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Bali first, and his wife would follow him the next day.

Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he opened his laptop and sent his wife an e-mail. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her email address and sent the e-mail to the wrong address, without realizing his error.

In Melbourne, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had passed away The widow checked her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends.

Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. Hearing the crash, the widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother, and read the e-mail still on the screen.

To: My Loving Wife 

From: Your Departed Husband 

Subject: I've Arrived!

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. It sure is hot up here!