A two-part Parrot Joke

There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the Captain's parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:

"IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE!"or

"IT'S IN HIS POCKET, IT'S IN HIS POCKET!"or

"IT'S IN HIS MOUTH, IT'S IN HIS MOUTH!"

The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to make the parrot disappear if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.

Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of debris in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.

The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said, "OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"

The parrot and magician are rescued that day. The magician lands himself a job at another cruise ship, whilst the parrot was adopted by a Catholic priest.

Whilst the priest was overseas, a coal-vendor came by the presbytery. He knocked on the door a few times, and the parrot finally called out "HELLO?" The coal-vendor, thinking it was a human, asked "Do you want to buy some coal?" to which the parrot replied "GIVE ME A DOZEN! GIVE ME A DOZEN!"

Well, the priest came home a week later and found out that he had to pay for a dozen sacks of coal which the parrot 'bought'. He was very angry with the bird, and for punishment, he took the bird to the living room, spread out his wings and nailed him to the wall.

The parrot hung there alone, upset and swearing to itself. Then it looked across the wall and noticed the priest's large crucifix.

The parrot looked at Jesus and said “How long have you been nailed there?”

“Two thousand years” Jesus replied.
“Wow!” said the parrot. “How much coal did you order?”