SWINE FLU JOKES

Did you hear about the guy who said he would get sick when pigs Fly.
The Swine Flu

Did you here about the pig who went on the plane?
The swine flu

I had a glass of merlot last night. I woke up this morning with a cough and a sniffle. I think it’s wine flu.

It was once said that when a black man becomes US president, pigs will fly. True enough, 100 days into Obama's presidency.... SWINE FLU

First we had, Aids, followed by SARS and foot & mouth. We then had bird flu and now Swine Flu... it's like Pokemon - I got to catch 'em all.


I called the Swine Flu hotline today but I couldn't get through... all I got was crackling!


How do you know if you have Swine Flu? You keep getting these rashers!


Doctor, Doctor. I think I have Swine Flu! Don't worry, just rub in this oinkment.


Oinkment won't work for Mexican Swine Flu. You need Juantibiotics!


Doctor, Doctor. I've just eaten a bacon sandwich, am I going to die? Depends if the bacon was cured or not.


Doctor, Doctor. My daughter woke up this morning in pigtails. Should I be worried?


A woman runs out of petrol and phones her husband "I've run out of petrol but I daren't go to fill up because of this Swine Flu". The husband says "you daft hayputh, it's in Mexico, not Texaco!"

Feeling bored on the bus/train/underground? Take out your mobile phone and pretend to have a conversation with an imaginary caller all about your recent holiday in Mexico. Hang up. Then sneeze...


News Flash .... this just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the a-pork-alypse!

This little piggy went to market
This little piggy stayed at home
this little piggy had roast beef
This little piggy had none
and this little piggy went "cough, sneeze" and the whole world's media went mad over the imminent destruction of the human race, and every journalist found out that they didn't have to do too much work if they just did "Find 'bird', replace with 'swine'" on all their saved articles from a year ago, er, all the way home.


THE World Health Organisation has confirmed that a Swine Flu pandemic is now imminent, raising fears that millions of people obviously have no idea what a pandemic is.


How did the 2 timing Mexican get into heaven?
The swine flew!


I'm worried I might have caught Swine Flu. I haven't been to Mexico but I've been with some pigs in my time!


The reason Mexicans took so long to notice people with symptoms including "sweating, excessive body odour and laziness" was because they are so used to Yanks visiting their country.


Apparently over 6 billion emails have been sent out in the last week about Swine Flu. Duh! Didn't you know spam comes from pigs.


A lion, a bear and a pig are in the pub, showing off.
The lion claims, "I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I roar and the plains shake."
The bear claims, "I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I roar and the forests shake."
The pig replied, "Nah, I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I cough and the whole world wets itself..."


Watch out for the following:

• Look out for any unusual blemishes or rashers.
• Unusual behaviour: doing things you would normally find a complete boar.
• Bad temper: things start to very easily rind you up.
• Overheating: Feeling that you are absolutely bacon hot.
• Chills; Feeling like you need to hog the duvet or curl up in front of a crackling fire.
• Wanting a fight: Shouting out things like “Gammon have a go if you think you’re hard enough…”

If any of these symptoms show, then immediately call a hambulance, and go to the hogspital for trewatment. Smokers please note it is a non smoking facility, so you won’t be able to have a snout.

Of course all of this could be a false alarm, in which case you will return home shamefaced with your curly tail between your legs, but if the symptoms return, try going to your local pharmacy for some oinkment.


So it appears Swine Flu has replaced the fears about bird flu. I guess bird flu just never took off...


FIFA has banned Mexican Waves to prevent the spread of infection.


I just heard on the news that, "Swine flu could potentially be a threat to every single person in England". Well it’s a good thing I’m married then isn’t it.


Apparently the first symptom of Swine Flu is that you get the trotts.


All of this makes me feel like America will view the term "Pigging Out" very differently from now


If only pigs didn't know how to build brick houses, the common wolf would have eradicated any chance of Swine flu years ago.


I never thought I'd be personally affected by the two dreaded words "pig" and "flu". Now my entire home has been decimated by it ... Police helicopter just crashed into the roof!