Speeding Ticket

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah... so," the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"

St Patrick's Day Jokes

Father O'Connor walks into a pub and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want go to heaven?'

The man replies, 'Yes, Father.'

Father O'Connor then says, 'Leave this bar right now, and go outside'.

O'Connor proceeds to another man, and asks him the same thing. The chap also answers, 'Yes'.

Father O'Connor asks him too to go out.

The Reverend Father goes the third man and asks, 'Would you like to go to heaven? '

This time the reply is, 'No thank-you Father.'

Surprised, Father O'Connor asks, 'Why not?'

The man opines, 'I mean I do, but only after I die.'

The Father O'Connor explains, 'That's what I am talking about.'

The man says, 'Oh, I thought you are getting a group ready right now.'

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy says, "In the car."
Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."

Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'"

An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.

"Lord,"he prayed,"I can't stand this.If you open a space up for me,I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said,"Never mind,I found one."

One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.

"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"

Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"

Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"

Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"

A large multinational headoffice was based in Dublin. The new American CEO was not impressed with the productivity of the Irish staff and decided fire all the slackers. A few days after he fired the majority of the staff, he came into to the office and found a man leaning on his desk doing nothing. The CEO walks up to the guy and asks "what are you doing?!" The guy says "I'm waiting to get paid". The CEO says "Okay, how much do you get paid in a week?" The guys thinks for a second then answers "About Eur300." The CEO takes out his wallet, gives the guy Eur1200, and says "Now go away and never come back." The guys walks away. The CEO turns to the rest of the office and shouts "Will somebody please tell me who the hell I have just fired?" An employee shouts back "You just tipped the pizza guy Eur1200."

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children.

'My son was born on St George's Day, 'remarked the Englishman, 'So we obviously decided to call him George.'

'That's a real coincidence, 'observed the Frenchman, 'My daughter was born on Valentine's Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.'

'That's really incredible, 'drawled the Irishman, 'Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.' 

Dave and Peter, two English men, are walking along O'Connell Street, in Dublin, when they see a sign in a shop window:

Suits £15.00, shirts £2.00, trousers £2.50.

Peter says to Dave, 'Look at that - we could buy a lot of that gear and, when we get back to England we could make a fortune. When we go into the shop don't say anything, let me do all the talking, because if they hear our accent they might not serve us, so I'll speak in my best Irish accent.'

They go in and Peter orders, 50 suits at £15.00, 100 shirts at £2.00 and 50 trousers at £2.50 The owner of the shop says, 'You're English aren't you?'Peter replies 'Oh bother... Yes, how on earth did you know that?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners...'


An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; wouldn't you rather I draw fresh pints for you one at a time?" The fellow replies: "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is now in America and the other, in Australia. When we all left home, we promised we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The fellow becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.


One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the regulars notice and fall silent, speculating about what might have happened to one of the absent brothers. When the fellow goes back to the bar for a second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The fellow looks confused for a moment and then a light dawns in his eye and says: "You'll be pleased to know that my brothers are alive and well. You see, it's just that I've given up beer for Lent."

Titanic Test

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St.Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, "1,228."

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name all the 1,228."

The Final Exam

A few fraternity brothers needed to fill a science requirement in order to graduate, so they spent weeks studying for the final.

The day of the exam arrived, and they were more than ready for the test. The teacher pulled out a chart that had different pictures of birds' legs.

The teacher said, "This is your exam. Name these birds by their legs."

After ten minutes one boy stood up, absolutely furious, and slammed the paper down on the teacher's desk.

"Unbelievable!" he yelled. "You knew I needed to pass this exam to graduate. How could you do this to me?"

The guy began to leave the room and the teacher yelled at him, "Hey you, what's your name?"

The student pulled up his pants, revealing his legs, and said, "I don't know, sir. You tell me."

Job Opening

I went on a job interview the other day. Now I'm not really looking for another job, but it doesn't hurt to see what's out there. I saw a great one in the paper with much higher pay then what I was getting. However, I wasn't really qualified but I decided to apply anyway. A week later, I became very excited when I was called in for an interview.

Realizing that I didn't submit a resume when I filled out the application, I brought a copy with me to the interview. My prospective employer asked a few questions then read through my resume. After a few anxious moments as I sat in silence waiting for him to finish reading, he put down my resume.

He looked up at me and said, "We have an opening for someone like you."

"Really?" I replied excitedly. "What is it?"

"It's called the door!"

Racism Today?

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days... ever wonder why? A customer walks into an establishment and asks, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

Messi's Early Dismissal

It is just before Australia v Argentina at the next World Cup Group game. Messi goes into the Argentinian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Australia. They're useless and we can't be bothered".

Messi looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Messi goes out to play the Aussies by himself and the rest of the Argentinian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Argentina 1 - Australia 0 (Messi 10 minutes)". He is beating Australia all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "Argentina 1 (Messi 10 minutes) - Australia 1 (Cahill 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Australia!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Australia, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

The Flat Tire

A salesman, and engineer, and a technician are driving in a car when, just outside of town, they get a flat tire. The three of them get out of the car and scratch their heads.

The salesman says, "Maybe I should walk into town and get a new tire. I know that I can bargain with the man at the parts store and get a great deal."

The engineer stops him, saying, "No, before you do that, we'll have to do some computations, figuring the grade of the road, the asphalt temperature, and the average rate of speed we will be traveling to know what kind of tire you should buy."

The technician laughs and shakes his head. "No, no, no! What's wrong with you guys? We have a spare tire in the trunk -- now all we have to do is start swapping tires until we find the flat one!"

Lost Mobile Phone

An employee of the airport found a mobile phone in one of the boarding areas. She switched it on, hoping a caller would identify the owner. It rang, and she answered it, but there was no response. When it rang a second time, another female employee answered, and the same thing happened.

Moments later, a supervisor came by and picked up the ringing phone. "This is Bob. May I help you?"

"Bob," the bewildered woman caller finally spoke. "Where is Bill, and who are those two women he's with?"

The Typing Test

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A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.

The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.

The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance.

"That's fine," he said; "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."

"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked.

The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."

The New Horse

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.

The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.

The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle.

The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers, "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good; I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly.

Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems, the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.

The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"

Jungle Drums

An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What are those drums?"

The guide turned to him and said, "Drums okay, but VERY BAD when they stop."

As they traveled the drums grew louder and louder. The anthropologist was nervous, but the guide merely repeated, "Drums okay. Drums not bad. When drums stop, then very bad!"

Then the drums suddenly stopped. Terrified, the anthropologist yelled to the guide: "The drums stopped! What now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Guitar solo."

Seven Cookies

The teacher asked Mary, "If you had seven cookies and David asked you for three, how many cookies would you have left?"

Mary immediately answered, "Seven!"

The teacher was puzzled and asked "Why seven?"

"You really think I would give David any of my cookies?"

New Speed Limit

The speed limit on the highway running through our small town was changed from 40 to 35 MPH.

Then one afternoon the town mayor was stopped in the coffee shop by a police officer. "Can I speak to you a moment?" he said.

"Sure," the mayor replied. "What can I help you with?"

"We're advising people that the speed limit has been lowered on the highway through town, and we'd appreciate your co-operation."

"No problem," said the mayor. "Do you want me to bring this up at the next council meeting?"

"No," replied the police officer. "We want you to slow down."

Holmes and Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking. They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, went to sleep in their tent.

Holmes wakes up deep at night, wakes Watson and says, "Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you deduce from it?"

"Well, this clearly tells us the weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny."

"No Watson, it's simplier than that. It just means that somebody has stolen our tent."

Two Lawyers and a Bear

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear.

The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers, and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

Football Match > Funeral

Fred, a Collingwood fan, had front row seats at the MCG for the AFL Grand Final against Hawthorn. As Fred sat down, a man in a Hawks jumper came and asked him if anyone was going to occupy the seat next to him. 

       

"No," said Fred, "sit right down. The seat will be empty." 

       

"That's incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would reserve a seat like this for the AFL Grand Final and then not use it?" 

       

Fred said, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Pies game we haven't been to together since we got married nearly 50 years ago." 

       

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor - to take her seat?" 

       

Fred shook his head sadly. "No. They're all at the funeral."

The Pope and Trump

During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Trump. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Trump emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Trump declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.

      

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly, he announced his meeting with the President was a failure. Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Trump just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed".

      

Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."