Feeling Airsick

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

      

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

      

Suddenly, the plane hits an air turbulence and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he throws up over the big guy's chest.

      

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

      

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

The Green Banana

This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair.

On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"

"Yes" answers the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana?" the man asks.

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks.

"I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair.

"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.

The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all the electricity in America to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner.

"Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"

The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner then pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand. How you can still be alive after all that?" He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asked.

"Nahh" said the bloke,"...I'm just a really bad conductor."

First Class or Economy Class

There was once a blonde woman on a plane to Sydney. She was in the economy class, but after takeoff, she saw an empty seat in first class and moved there. 

An attendant saw her and said, "Excuse me, ma'am, but you have a ticket for economy class, not first. You cannot stay here." The blonde replied, "I can and I will." 

The attendant told the copilot, who came and talked to the woman. "Ma'am, we really can't have you staying in this seat, your ticket was for economy." "You can't make me move." 

The copilot told the captain, who tried to talk her out of the seat but it didn't work. 

Finally, a man who had heard what had been going on told the attendant to let him have a go at getting the woman out of the seat because he was married to a blonde too, so he knew how to deal with her. After a quick chat with her, she moved. 

The shocked attendant asked him how he did it. The man replied, "I told her first class wasn't going to Sydney."

Help Wanted

A sign was hung in an office window. It read:
      
Help wanted.
Must type 70 words a minute.
Must be computer literate.
Must be bilingual.
An equal opportunity employer.
      
A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth, and walked into the manager's office, making it clear he wished to apply for the job.
      
The office manager laughed and said, "I can't hire a dog for this job."
      
The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."
      
So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.
      
The manager said, "Alright, here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it."
      
Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.
      
The manager still wasn't convinced. "I still can't hire you for this position. You've got to be bilingual."
      
The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."

3 Priests and the Bats

Three priests were sitting around discussing how things were going at their respective parishes.

The first priest complains of a terrible bat infestation at his church, and it is soon apparent that this is something of an epidemic at all three parishes. After much discussion of all matters clerical, they go home for the night.

After a week or so, they meet again and discuss the bat problem.

Priest-1: I tried to get rid of my bats this week. I shot at them with my shotgun, but I think I damaged the belfry more than the bats! I still have no way of getting rid of them!

Priest-2: I tried another way. I couldn't bring myself to shoot them, after all they are God's creatures, so I went up with a big box. I knocked all the bats into the box with a stick and drove out to the forest where I released them. But they were back at the church before I was!!

Priest-3: I've solved the problem. I did much the same thing. I had all the bats in the box, but before I released them, I baptized and confirmed every one of them, and they have not been back since......

Bernard's Wake Up Call

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . . 
       
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice. 
       
Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up. 
      
The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back. 
       
"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't have a dog."

Teenage Driver

A teenager who had just received her L-plates offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.

The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"

"Anytime," her daughter replied.

As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."