Flying With A General

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

Cricket In Heaven

Pat and Mike, both in their 90's, had played cricket together and, after they retired, had remained close friends. Pat suddenly fell deathly ill. Mike visited Pat on his deathbed. After they talked a while and it became obvious that Pat had only a few more minutes to live, Mike said, "Listen old friend. After you die, try and get a message back to me. I want to know if there's cricket in heaven."

With his dying breath, Pat whispers, "If God permits, I'll do my best to get you an answer."

A few days after Pat died, Mike is sleeping when he hears Pat's voice.

Pat says, "Mike, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is, yes, there IS cricket in heaven. The bad news is, you're opening the batting."

What Time Is It?

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep.

As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

"Yes?"

"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"

The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15".

The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

"8:25!"

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!."

Fred's Last Note

Ol' Fred was in the hospital, near death. His family called their priest to stand with them and give the last rites.  
As the priest stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.  
The priest lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.   
The priest thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. 
As Ol' Fred's funeral was about to finish, the priest suddenly remembered the note and pulled it out of his pocket.  
He said, "You know, ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died.  I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."   
He opened the note, and read, "Dear Father, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

The Stethoscope

A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones' chests, would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts.

Their eyes would always light up with awe. But she never got a response to equal four-year-old David's. She placed the disk over his heart. "Listen," she said, "what do you suppose that is?"

He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up, as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap-tap-tapping deep in his chest.

Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin. "Is that Jesus knocking?" he asked.

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." (Revelation 3:20)

Three Wishes

Three men -- an editor, a photographer, and a journalist -- are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumble upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp, a genie appears and says, "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The photographer goes first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie grants him his wish and sends him on off to St. Thomas.

The journalist goes next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie grants him his wish and sends him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it's the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asks the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch," replies the editor. "The deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours."

A Drunk Irishman

An old Irishman had been drinking at the pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
The next morning, his wife asked him, "Were you out drinking last night?"
"How did you know?" he asks, putting on an innocent look. His wife replied, "The bartender just called to tell me that you left your wheelchair at the pub again!!!"