"What Is Your Name?" joke

Walking through Chinatown, an English tourist was fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turned a corner and saw a building with the sign, "Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry."
"Hans Schmidt?" he wondered. "How does that name fit in Chinatown?"
So he walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking Chinese laundry. He could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the name as there were baseball hats, T-Shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo, "Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry." There was also a fair selection of Chinatown souvenirs, indicating that the name alone had brought many tourists into the shop. The Englishman selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office in London. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.
The tourist asked, "Can you tell me how this place got a name like 'Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry'?"
The old man answered, "Ahh... Everybody ask me that question. Is name of owner."
Looking around, the tourist asked, "Who and where is the owner now?"
"He is right here," replied the old man. "I am Hans Schmidt."
"Really? How did you ever get a name like Hans Schmidt, being a Chinese man?"
"Is simple," said the old man. "Many, many year ago when I came to this country from China, I was queueing up at the immigration center, where I was standing behind a German. The lady at the counter looked at the German and said, ‘What is your name?' He said, Hans Schmidt. When it was my turn, she looked at me and said, 'What is your name?' I said, 'Sem Ting.'"

Pavarotti Goes To Heaven

When the late opera star Luciano Pavarotti went to heaven, St. Peter was so happy to see hom when he arrived at the pearly gates.
"Hello, Luciano! I'm so pleased to see you! Please come in! Squeeze through!" said St Peter.
But Pavarotti replied, "St. Peter, before I go in, here is a letter from the Pope for you." Please read it."
He gave St. Peter the envelope, he opened it, and it read:

Dear St. Peter,
I hope everything is going well up there in Heaven and here is that tenor I owe you.
Yours sincerely, Pope Benedict XVI

Good Old Apple Joke

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, "take only one, God is watching." Moving through the line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Little Johnny wrote a note, "take all you want, God is watching the apples."

Bird Jokes

What birds spend all their time on their knees?
Birds of prey.

What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird.

Where do birds meet for coffee?
In a nest-cafe.

What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?
Fowl play.

What language do birds speak?
Pigeon English.

What do you give a sick bird?
Tweetment.

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?
A bird that will talk you ear off.

What happened when the owl lost his voice?
He didn't give a hoot.

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A great walkie-talkie.

Queen Jokes

Which member of Queen can be found in space?

Lead singer Freddie Mercury!

What is a ghost's favourite Queen song?
Boo-hemian Rhapsody! (Bohemian Rhapsody)

What is a pig's favourite Queen song?

We Are The Hampions! (We Are The Champions)

What is a sheep's favourite Queen song?

Radio Baa Baa! (Radio Ga Ga)

Which Queen song is about stormy weather?

Thunder Pressure! (Under Pressure)

Which Queen songs are best for a prisoner before he goes to jail?

I Want To Break Free and We Will Lock You! (We Will Rock You)

Political Jokes

The Prime Minister is running down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had. He goes up to the girl and says, "Little girl, I think that it's wonderful that you're doing such a good thing."The little girl says, "Thank you, Mr. Howard. Would you like a puppy? They're Democrats." John declines and jogs onward. The next day Johnny H jogs past the same girl and decides to talk to her again. "You know what, little girl? I think I'll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they're Democrats."The girl says, "I'm sorry Mr. Howard, but they're not Democrats any more. They're Republicans now."John says, "They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with?" She says, "Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open."

While walking down the street one day, a Republican head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." says the Republican.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Republican head of state.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil (a Republican, too), who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevatorrises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the Republican head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the Republican and lays an arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the Republican head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"George Bushes, father Bush and son Bush, Bush, Jr., are on board a small two seater plane when suddenly George Senior, the pilot, parachutes out of the plane. Not knowing how to fly, National Guard Service or not, a plane George, Jr., grabs the radio. "Mayday, mayday! My Dad just jumped out of the plane!" Ground control receives the call for help and answers back: "Your dad?" "He left me here! Took the parachute!" "Sir, your dad?" "He's the pilot! Gosh!" "Okay, don't worry, sir. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position." "I'm over six feet and sitting in the front!"

Tired of his low approval ratings, President Clinton called up the head of the CIA and said, "I want your very best agent over here first thing in the morning."Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most gifted American agent was headed back to Washington.The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The President said, "I hear you're the best in the business. I can't trust what my staff tells me.So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?"The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn't heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning, and the President saw him immediately.The President said, "Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office?""Yes, sir.""Well, then, express the will of the people," Clinton ordered.So the agent stood up, pulled out a gun, and shot him.

Fishing Jokes

While sports fishing off the Cottesloe coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"No," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do anything," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got them."

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"But why?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."

A couple of young blokes were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush jumped the Game Warden !!
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.
After about a half mile the bloke stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
"Lets see your fishing license, Boy !!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the bloke pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son", said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks !! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes Sir", replied the young bloke, "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one"...

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "Dad, how does this boat float?
The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind me asking you all of these questions?"
The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."

Two friends, Peter and Paul rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. Peter said to his friend,
"Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, Peter asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"
Paul replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
Peter said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, " Only caught one, eh?"

Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!"
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

Travel Jokes Part 1

An Australian tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.
"This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide.
Impressed at this accurate dating, the tourist inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.
"Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago"

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the hairdresser who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That’s ridiculous! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, what are you doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The hairdresser asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, as we were touring the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be as kind as to step into his private room and wait the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the hairdresser. "What did he say?"
He said, "Where did you get the dumb haircut?


An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. "Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."
"How can you tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air." he replied.
A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.
"How do you know that?" asked the Russian. "I can feel the heat of the desert."
Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York."
The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know all of that?" they exclaimed.
The American pulled his hand up. "My watch is missing."

Travel Jokes Part 2

A large two engined train was crossing from Sydney to Melbourne. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.
Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.
The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

A man was driving along Albany Highway from Albany to Perth, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:
"'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."


A man was driving home on Kwinana Freeway late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.
Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The cop gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!"

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a cop pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another cop had seen the carton in the road. The cops stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first cop told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The cop replied, "Tacks evasion."

U2 Jokes

Q: How come U2 still hasn't found what they're looking for?

A: Because the streets have no names!

Q: What kind of lawyers praise U2?

A: Pro Bono lawyers!

Q: Why did Bono fall off the stage?

A: He was too close to The Edge!

Q: What is a bee's favourite U2 song?
A: Bee-utiful day!

When Warren Zevon died, he was surprised to find himself in rock-n-roll heaven. St. Peter was showing him around, introducing him to all the departed rock stars. Visiting a fantastic music studio, he saw Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, John Bonham, Freddie Mercury, Bon Scott, Mama Cass, etc., etc.

Suddenly, with a flourish, Bono walked into the studio and joined in the jam.

Zevon gasped to St. Peter: 'I didn't know Bono died!'

'Oh no,' replied St. Peter 'That's God - he just THINKS he's Bono.'

During a U2 Concert, Bono is onstage clapping slowly and sonorously declaring..... "Every time I clap (pause) my hands (pause) a child dies in Africa." At which point a bloke in the audience yelled amongst the silence, "Well, stop clapping, Bono!!!"

Bar Jokes

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"

The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my guide dog."

"Oh man", the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a guide dog."

The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar where he asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"The second man replies "This is my guide dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as guide dogs."The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What? They gave me a Chihuahua?"

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar waiting to catch any drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

Paddy walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." Paddy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

Paddy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." Paddy looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the duck’s former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

Biblical Jokes

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah- because was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter- she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David- he rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Chicken Jokes

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Because chickens hadn't evolved yet!

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the shell station!

Q: Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
A: Because it was stuck to the chicken!

Q: Why did the horse cross the road?
A: Because the chicken needed a day off!

Q: Why did the chicken end up in the soup?
A: Because it ran out of cluck!

Q: What happened when the chicken ate cement?
A: She laid a sidewalk!

Q: What did the chicken do when he saw a bucket of fried chicken?
A: She kicked the bucket!

Q: What do you call a crazy chicken?
A: A cuckoo cluck!

Q: What happened to the chicken whose feathers were all pointing the wrong way?
A: She was tickled to death!

Police Jokes Part 1

Little Tommy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."
So Little Tommy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too!
Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

A police officer pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.
"Mam, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" asks the cop.
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.
The cop asked the farmer, "Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?"
The farmer replied, "No, I didn't knowed that."
The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, "To Memphis". The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis."
So the farmer promised he would.
Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again.
The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis" and to this the farmer replied "I did and we had so much fun, I'm taking him to the circus."

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?"
"Yep."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Police Jokes Part 2

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

A local cop had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.
"You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it." said the cop.
"Oh yes dear, what happened?" asked the wife.
The cop replied, "I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks." "Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?" asked the wife.
The cop replied, "Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."

A juggler, driving to the circus for his next performance, was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer. "I juggle them in my act." says the juggler.
"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it."
So the juggler starts throwing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.
He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, “It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go.”
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Elephant Jokes

Q: What is grey and not there?
A: No elephants.

Q: Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkled?
A: Because if they were small, white and smooth they'd be aspirins.

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

Q: Why do elephants wear small green hats?
A: So they can sneak across pool tables unobserved.

Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: Tarzan's fridge is not large enough to hold them all.

Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the number of elephants.

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.

Q: How does an elephant get down from a tree?
A: It doesn't, you get down from a duck.

Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Giant holes all over Australia.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
A: Because that is when the elephants do their parachute jumping.

Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard

Farm Jokes

Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his field with a steamroller ?
He wanted to grow mash potatoes!

What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
You take me for grunted.

When is a farmer like a magician?
When he turns his cow to pasture.

Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"?
Because it was always running out of the pen.

What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
Laughing stock.

How does a farmer count his cattle?
He uses a cowculator.

Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain?
He has got no beef.

A man is driving down South Western Highway to Bunbury, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me sir, but what are you doing?"The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize.""How?" asks the man, puzzled."Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."

A Helicopter Joke

A helicopter pilot was flying a helicopter in the sky when the helicopter suddenly crash-landed.
On seeing the wreckage, the pilot manager asked his pilot, "How did this happen?"
The pilot replied, "It was so cold up there that I had to turn off the fan."

Animal Jokes

What do cats put in soft drinks?
Mice cubes.

How does a farmer count his cattle?
Using a cowculator.

What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Quackula!

Which is better?A cow or a bull?
A cow because it gives free milk,but a bull always charges.

Why did the chicken cross the football field?
He heard the umpire calling fowls.

Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work.

What do you call a group of boring,spotted dogs?
101 Dull-matians.

Where do sheep go to get their shearing?
To a baa baa shop.

Why did the lion spit out the clown?
Because it tasted funny!

What kind of shoes does a chicken wear?
Reebok bok bok bok bok bok.

What kind of animals can jump Higher than the Sydney Harbour Bridge?
All animals can,as the Sydney Harbour Bridge can't jump.

Parrot Jokes Part 2

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
Adam said, "I had a big house built for Mama." Aaron second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
Andrew said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL 600 to her."
Anthony said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
His other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes. "She wrote:
"Adam, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Aaron, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Andrew, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Dearest Anthony, you were the only son to have the good sense to give little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

Before the collapse of communism, this Russian guy loses his pet parrot. He looks everywhere, all around the neighborhood, in the park, everywhere. He can't find the parrot. Finally he goes around to the KGB office, and tells the desk officer his problem. The officer is a little puzzled. "Look, comrade, I'm sorry you lost your bird, but this is the KGB. We don't handle missing animal reports." "Oh, I know that", says the guy. "I just wanted you to know, if you do find my parrot... I don't know where he could have picked up all his political ideas."

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry", said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

Mrs. Broomfield's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment,and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!" When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!" To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!

A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again. The next day, when the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused, scowled with an icy and deadly stare, and said with a hoarse voice, "Yes?" The bird, strutting back and forth on its perch in a cocky manner, said, "You know."

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

A man went into a bar and said to the bartender, "If you give me free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night and drink lots and lots." "Oh yes," says the bartender. "How are you going to do that?" The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano. The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "Have you got anything else?" The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar. The hamster begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along - sounding just like Pavarotti. Everyone in the bar is amazed and stayed all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot. The bartender is delighted. "I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?" he asks. The man shook his head no. "Will you sell just one then?" asks the bartender. "OK, I'll sell you the parrot for $100" the man says. The bartender is delighted and hands over the money. Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster said, "You're a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only $100". "No I'm not," the man replied. "The hamster is a ventriloquist"!!!

A drunk is driving with his parrot through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the parrot and the drunk smiles. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few. "He did all right," the parrot says and the drunk smiles. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the parrot. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."