Shepherd and the Sheep

The young priest was teaching the 23rd psalm-Lord our shepherd -to the Sunday school children. He told them that they were sheep who needed guidance.  Then the priest asked, "If you are the sheep then who is the shepherd-- obviously indicating himself.  A silence of a few seconds followed.  Then a young boy said, "Jesus. Jesus is the shepherd."  The young priest, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy, "Well then, who am I?"  The boy frowned thoughtfully and then said, "I guess you must be a sheep dog."

Do You Want To Go To Heaven?

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Dublin, and says to the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

The man said, ‘I do, Father.’

The priest said, ‘Then stands over there against the wall.’

Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

Certainly, Father,’ was the man’s reply.

‘Then stand over there against the wall.’ Said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to Charles and said, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

Charles said, ‘No, I don’t Father.’

The priest said ‘I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?’

Charles said, ‘Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.’

The Beach Genie

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie!

The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."  

The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."        

Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand!        

He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."        

Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red, brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him!        

He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."        

Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

The Marriage Fairy

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom!

She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.........

Golfer's Audience With The Pope

A man who is an avid golfer finally gets a once-in-a-lifetime chance for an audience with the Pope. After standing in line for hours, he gets to the Pope and says, "Holiness, I have a question that only you can answer. You see, I love golf, and I feel a real need to know if there is a golf course in heaven. Can you tell me if there is?"

The Pope considers for a moment, and says, "I do not know the answer to your question, my son, but I will talk to God and get back to you."The next day the man is called for another audience with the Pope to receive the answer to his question. He stands before the Pope, who says, "My son, I have some good news and some bad news in relation to your question. The good news is that heaven has the most fabulous golf course that you could imagine and is in eternally perfect shape."

"And what's the bad news?" asks the man.

The Pope replies "Your tee-off is tomorrow morning"

The Baptism

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, reverend."

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?

The Floodwaters

It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.

As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. “No,” replied the man on the roof. “I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me.” So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. “Climb in!” shouted a man in the boat. “No,” replied the man on the roof. “I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me.” So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. “No” replied the man on the roof. “I have faith in the Lord. The Lord will save me.” So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and sadly, the poor man drowned.

Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. “Heavenly Father, “he said, “I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?” God gave him a puzzled look, and replied, “I sent you tow boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?”

Cheeky Little Johnny

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"

Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

Take All You Want

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Mr and Mrs Brown

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

Jesus Is Watching

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."

Cheeky Little Mary Margaret

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in a Catholic School .. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted.

Classic Student and Teacher

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

European pun

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.

AFL Season Cancelled

It is likely that the AFL competition will have to be cancelled. Under the new Anti Terrorism Laws the Bombers are banned, the new IR legislation rules out the Dockers and the asian bird flu epidemic is wrecking havoc with the Crows, Eagles, Hawks, Magpies and Swans.
Any transfers to the Cats, Lions, Dogs and Tigers must now be quarantined for at least 12 months. Religious vilification laws mean that no one can legally barrack for the Demons or the Saints.

Front Seat Pig

A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a pig in the front seat. "What are you doing with that pig?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo." The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the pig again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. "I thought you were going to take that pig to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!" 

ALPHABET JOKES

Which 3 letters of the alphabet make everything in the world move?

NRG (energy!)

Why is B very cool?

Because it is sitting in the AC!

What has four eyes but can't see?

Mississippi!

What letters did the boy say when he saw the empty table?

O-I-C-U-R-M-T!

What did A and B get in the music store?

A CD!

Which two letters are always jealous?

N-V!

What letter is always wet?

C!

Fred: There are only 11 letters in the alphabet.

George: No, there aren’t.

Fred: Yes, there are. T-H-E-A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

What begins with T ends with T and is filled with tea?

A teapot!

What happens once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years?

The letter M!

Why is the B the hottest letter of the alphabet?

It makes oil BOIL.

Why were the letters U V W X Y Z late for the tea party?

They all come after T.

Why is the letter G Scary?

It turns host into GHOST.

Why is a cheeky boy like the Letter D

They both make ma MAD.

Why shouldn’t you put the letter M in the fridge?

It turns ice into MICE.

Why is S a witch’s favourite letter?

It turns cream into SCREAM.

Which 3 letters turn a girl into a woman?

A G E

Cricket Jokes

The England bobsleigh team have asked the English cricket team for a meeting. They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!

What's the difference between Kevin Pietersen and a funeral director?
A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.

What is the main function of a cricket coach?

To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

On his way out into the middle to bat, Shane Watson gets a call from his wife and team mate Steve Smith tells her he's heading out to the middle.
His wife replies, 'I'll hold, he won't be long!'

What's the difference between an England batsman and a Formula 1 car?
Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.

Who has the easiest job in the England squad?
The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
The entire England innings.

Why is Shane Watson cleverer than Houdini?
Because he can get out without even trying.

Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day?

Michael Clarke called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Alistair Cook, 'You lads can bat.'

Just as quickly, Cook replied, 'No, we can't. We really can't.'

What's the difference between Ian Bell and a phoenix?
At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.

Why can no-one drink wine in England at the moment?
They haven't got any openers ...

What is the difference between Cinderella and the Poms?
Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Which pig was an Australian cricketer?

Brad Hog! (Hogg)

Which former Australian cricketer can be found in space?

Damien Martian (Martyn)

Which Australian cricketer laughs a lot?

Mike Ha Ha Ha-ssey! (Hussey)

Which former Autralian cricketer has orange hair?

Justin Wranger! (Langer)

Which cricket great can you find in a bakery?

Sir Donald Breadman! (Bradman)

Which flower is also a cricket legend?

Dennis Lily! (Lillee)

An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was doing.
By mistake he dialled the number for Melbourne Cricket Ground during the a Test Match.
“How’s it going?” he asked. “Fine,” came the answer, “We’ve got five out already and only 5 more to go. The last one was a duck..”

A Scotsman just migrated to Australia. He attended a cricket game between Australia and India at the Melbourne Cricket Ground and when a batsman connects heavily with the ball, he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"

Steve Smith connects heavily with the ball, runs for a single, and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!

Michael Clarke sends the ball towards the boundary, and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of cricket, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

Smith is steadfastly bowled out the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A local fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's out."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and on seeing Smith heading for the Pavilion, he screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest cricket fans in Australia. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed cricket history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was cricket in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Australian win the Ashes series earlier in the day.

He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked."

Of course it me," Bob replied."This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there cricket in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes there is cricket in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is great! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're batting tomorrow night."

The burglar and the dog

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" 

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: 

"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. 

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Doberman Jesus."

The Irishman and his 3 beers

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.

This happens yet again.  The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother.  You know-the two beers and all..."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself,  have decided to give up drinking for Lent."