The Old Nun

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said:
"And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the tradesmen yelled down 'why'?
The worker yelled back, "Cos his wife's here with his lunch"

Musical Octopus

A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. Everyone in the crowd laughs at him, calls him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus cannot play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just ripping it up. So the man pays him $50.
Another guy walks up with a violin. The octopus plays the violin better than Andre Rieu. So the man pays him $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. So the man pays him $50.
The barman had been observing what had been happening. He came out and puts a set of bagpipes beside the octopus, who fumbles with them for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.
"What are you messing around for?" the octopus' owner yells "Hurry up and play the damn thing!"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "What do you mean PLAY IT? I'm still working out how to get its pajamas off."