Basketball Jokes

Earl and Bob, both obsessed with basketball, never missed their favorite team’s games. They promised, whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was basketball in heaven.
One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally, Earl did. He said to Bob. "I have good news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news first. There is basketball in heaven." Bob said, "That’s the best news ever!"
Then Earl said, "Time for the bad news...You're starting at guard tomorrow night."

Q: What do you do when you see an elephant with a basketball?
A: Get out of the way.

Q: Why was Cinderella such a bad player?
A: Her coach was a pumpkin.

Q: Why are basketball players such messy eaters?
A: They're always dribbling.

Q: Why did the coach let the elephant play basketball?
A: He had already broken the bench.

Q: Why did the basketball visit the bank?
A: Because his checks were bouncing.

Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a basketball?
A: One is round and charges through nets and the other is a basketball.

Q: Why can't you play sports in the jungle?
A: Because of the cheetahs

Q: What's the difference between a dog and a basketball player?
A: One drools, one dribbles

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about basketball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the refs."

There was a Perth Wildcats fan with a really crappy seat at Challenge Stadium. Looking around, he spotted an empty seat at half-court. Thinking to himself "what a waste", he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Wildcats fan." The other man replied, "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

A true Bobby Knight story recalled as best as can be remembered from the "Morning Briefing" section of the L.A. Times: In the 1980 Olympics, the U.S. basketball team, coached by Knight, played and beat the Chinese team handily. When asked about the win, Bobby said, "It was a lot of fun playing the Chinese, but an hour later, we wanted to play them again."

At the basketball game, why did the blonde say, "I stopped aging!"?
Because the clock stopped.

There were 3 basketball players, one each from IU, Notre Dame, and Purdue, standing on a burning roof in Indianapolis. The fire department came with a blanket and yelled to the Notre Dame player to jump. He jumped and they moved it to the right. He hit the sidewalk with a splat.
They then called to the IU player to jump. He said that he wouldn't jump. They said they liked IU better than Notre Dame. So he jumped and the fire department moved the blanket to the left.
The IU player hit with a splat on the sidewalk. Then they called to the Purdue player to jump. He said that he wouldn't jump.
The fire department said they hated IU and Notre Dame. He yelled back and said, "Lay the blanket down, and then I'll jump!"

Steve Mariucci was back visiting the new basketball coach at UC Cal. They started a conversation and began arguing over who was dumber, a football player or a basketball player.
Mariucci said, "I hate to say this, but football players are dumber than basketball players. Watch and I'll show you". He then called in Brent Jones and asked him to come into the office. Number 84 came in and Mariucci says to him, "Here's 25 cents, go down the street to the car dealer and buy me a new Jimmy".
Brent Jones takes the quarter and leaves. A few minutes later, he comes back in and says, "Hey Coach, I forgot to ask, what color did you want?" Mariucci tells him to forget it, he's changed his mind.
After the player leaves, the new 49'er coach says to the basketball coach, "I'm telling you, my guys are dumb!"
The basketball coach says "Not so fast, let me show you one of my basketball players" and promptly calls one in to the office. The coach says to the player "Could you run down to my office for me and see if I'm there?"
The player starts to leave, but as he gets to the door, he stops short, turns around and says "Hey! There's a phone right there on the desk ... Can't you just call down there?" They hired him right on the spot to be Mariucci's new assistant.

Not Basketball, we know, but funny just the same:
Nike has a television commercial for hiking shoes that was shot in Kenya using Samburu tribesmen. The camera closes in on the one tribesman who speaks, in native Maa. As he speaks, the Nike slogan "Just Do It" appears in the screen. Lee Cronk, an anthropologist at the University of Cincinnati, says the Kenyan is really saying, "I don't want these. Give me big shoes." Say's Nike's Elizabeth Dolan, "We thought nobody in America would know what he said." -from an article in Forbes Magazine

"The Tall People of the World" is an organization for large people, and members are only accepted after proving they are at least 1.95 meters tall.
The organization holds annual meetings, and during the 1995 meeting, had some very short people who came to meet with the tall guys.
Upon seeing one of the giants, one of the dwarves came to him and said, "You are so tall! Do you play basketball?"
"No." said the giant. "Do you play Miniature Golf?"

Former Utah Jazz president, Frank Layden, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

Shelby Metcalf, former basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Three coaches flew to the NCAA convention. The plane crashed; and all 3 died.
All 3 noticed God up in the clouds sitting in a chair. God motioned for one of them to come into the clouds. God wanted to know three things:
Who are you? What did you do? What did people think of you?
The 1st person said, "I'm Denny Crum, I was 2nd best coach in the nation. I won 2 national championships & over 20 games a year. The people of Kentucky think I'm great."
God said, "Fine, Denny, stand on my right side.
The next person said, "I'm Rick Pitino. I was the 3rd best coach in the nation. I won an SEC Championship and turned the program around to a fairly respectable one. The people of Kentucky think I'm great."
God said, "Fine, Rick, stand on my left side."
The 3rd person stood before God and said, "I'm Bobby Knight & I have won 3 national championships, 2 NIT championships, the Pan Am Games, the Olympics, 9 Big Ten championships, and I was the youngest coach ever to win 600 games, and the people of Indiana think you are sitting in my chair."

Before winning with the Lakers - Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

At mid-point during a game, the coach calls one of his 7-year-old basketball players aside to talk with him.
The coach asks, "Do you understand what cooperation is, and what a team is?" The little boy replies, "Yes."
"Do you also understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nods his head.
"So," the coach continues, "I'm sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nods his head yes.
"And when I call you off the court so that another teammate gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a jackass, now is it?" The little boy answered, "No, sir."
"Good," said the coach, "Now please go over and explain all of that to your mother."

Q: If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an astronaut get?
A: Missle toe!

Parrot Jokes

There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:

"IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE!"or

"IT'S IN HIS POCKET, IT'S IN HIS POCKET!"or

"IT'S IN HIS MOUTH, IT'S IN HIS MOUTH!"

The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.
Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.
The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said, "OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"

A golfer took a vacation in Florida. He was a big bettor and always had at least $500 riding on each round. He asked at the pro shop if there was anyone around who liked a little competition, and the pro introduced him to a man named Joe.
"Is Joe a good golfer?" the man asked when Joe left to get his clubs.
"He doesn’t look that good but he always seems to win his matches," the pro replied.
The man met Joe on the first tee, and they agreed to play for $500. On the first tee, Joe hooked his drive into the water, and the vacationer won the hole. On the next hole, Joe topped his drive and then shanked his second shot into the trees. The man won that hole, too. On the next tee Joe took off his hat and scratched his head. When he did that, a big parrot flew up and lighted in a nearby tree. "Want to double the bet?" Joe asked.
"Sure," the vacationer said, already counting his winnings as he stepped up to the tee. On the top of his back swing, the parrot made a noise like a train whistle, and the vacationer wiffed the ball and lost the hole. On the next hole, which required a second shot over a pond, the vacationer selected his iron when the parrot said, "Five iron’s too much." The player changed to a six and hit it into the water. While the man was putting on one hole, the parrot said, "It breaks to the left," but the putt broke right. The man missed it to go three down. By the 18th hole, the vacationer was ten down to Joe and glaring at the bird.
"What do I need to do to get rid of that lousy parrot?" he said to nobody in particular.
"Just pay me $100 more than Joe does," the bird said.

Before the collapse of communism, this Russian guy loses his pet parrot. He looks everywhere, all around the neighborhood, in the park, everywhere. He can't find the parrot. Finally he goes around to the KGB office, and tells the desk officer his problem. The officer is a little puzzled. "Look, comrade, I'm sorry you lost your bird, but this is the KGB. We don't handle missing animal reports." "Oh, I know that", says the guy. "I just wanted you to know, if you do find my parrot... I don't know where he could have picked up all his political ideas."

Mrs. Broomfield's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment,and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!" When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!" To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!"

A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again. The next day, when the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused, scowled with an icy and deadly stare, and said with a hoarse voice, "Yes?" The bird, strutting back and forth on its perch in a cocky manner, said, "You know."

A man went into a bar and said to the bartender, "If you give me free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night and drink lots and lots." "Oh yes," says the bartender. "How are you going to do that?" The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano. The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "Have you got anything else?" The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar. The hamster begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along - sounding just like Pavarotti. Everyone in the bar is amazed and stayed all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot. The bartender is delighted. "I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?" he asks. The man shook his head no. "Will you sell just one then?" asks the bartender. "OK, I'll sell you the parrot for $100" the man says. The bartender is delighted and hands over the money. Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster said, "You're a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only $100". "No I'm not," the man replied. "The hamster is a ventriloquist"!!!

A drunk is driving with his parrot through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the parrot and the drunk smiles. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few." "He did all right," the parrot says and the drunk smiles. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the parrot. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

A short elderly woman burst into a pet store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a good singer! I've got good, hard US cash, but I'm only paying for a good singer."
The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I've been in this business for forty years and the best singer I've ever heard is in that cage."
"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary, but it's got to be a singer."
By this point, the shop keeper was coming down the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" He placed the cage on the counter and the bird burst into melody after melody.
Awed, the woman murmured, "Why, he is a good singer." Suddenly she screamed, "Hey, this bird's only got one leg!"
The pet store owner was unperturbed. "Lady, what do you want, a singer or a dancer?"

This guy is in a plane when he feels thirsty. He calls the stewardess and asks her politely for a Large Whiskey.There's a parrot in the seat next to him, who snaps,"A double Scotch and make it quick". "Yes ,sir"the stewardess says, and quickly gets the bird his drink - but ignores the guy. The parrot downs his in one gulp, and says "gimme another". The stewardess gets him a second drink, ignoring the guy again. The guy, meanwhile has been asking for his drink very politely. He decides to use the parrot's tactics and snarls at the stewardess,"You @#*$# hag, get me my bloody Scotch!". Suddenly a large co-pilot comes out of the cockpit and ejects both the guy and the parrot off the plane.
As they're falling, the parrot turns to the guy and says "You know, you're quite brave for someone who can't fly...".

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "the parrot on the left costs $500". "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs $2,000. Needless to say, this begs the question "What can it do?", to which the owner replies, "To be honest, I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!".

A burglar sneaks in a dark bar...(after hours) and goes right to the cash register. A voice calls out, "GOD IS WATCHING YOU". He looks all around and sees nothing so returns to jimmying the cash drawer. Again, the voice says, "GOD IS WATCHING YOU". The burglar looks around and finally sees a parrot in a cage and says, "Oh, Hi Polly. You startled me." "Hey" said the parrot. "My name ain't Polly. It's John the Baptist." The burglar snorted, "Who in the world named you John the Baptist?". Parrot says, "The same guy who named that Rottweiler over there GOD!"

Sports Jokes Part I

Why did the golfers run away from the golf game?
Because there was a Tiger (Tiger Woods) in the lead!

Why did Tarzan get kicked out of the golf game?
Because he screamed with every swing!

What does Tarzan like at a golf course?
He is there to perfect his swing!

Why can’t you play sports in the jungle?
Because there are Cheetahs!

Why are basketball players bad at eating?
They always dribble!

Why does a golfer bring an extra pair of pants to a golf game?
In case he gets a ‘hole-in-one’!

Why was Cinderella such a bad sportswoman?
Her coach was a pumpkin!

What’s the difference between a dog and a basketball player?
One drools, the other dribbles!

Why did the girls’ soccer team dump Cinderella?
She ran away from the ball!

Why aren't the Socceroos allowed to own a dog?
Because they can't hold on to a lead!

Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Why are fish never good Tennis players?
They don't like getting close to the net.

How did the basketball court get wet?
The players dribbled all over it!

Why did the chicken get sent off?
For persistent fowl play!

Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats?
They might be cheetahs!

Where do religious school children practice sports?
In the prayground!

Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game?
It was a cup draw!

Where do football directors go when they are fed up?
The bored room!

Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat?
To see if there was any more money in the kitty!

Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder player
Fan: Why's that?
Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!

Why do artists never when they play football?
They keep drawing!

Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games?
So that they can pack the defence!

Where do old bowling balls end up?
In the gutter!

Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet?
Player: I finished it in three days!

What part of a football pitch smells nicest?
The scenter spot!

What's the chilliest ground in the premiership?
Cold Trafford!

How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle?
Somebody took a corner!

Why didn't the dog want to play football?
It was a boxer!

What did they call Dracula when he won the league?
The champire!

Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?
Paul gas coin!

Manager: I'll give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a year's time?
Young player: OK, I'll come back in a year's time!

Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom?
Captain: Well, it could have been worse.
Manager: How?
Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!
What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game?
Sorry, it was a freak hic! (free kick)

Why are football grounds odd?
Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits!

What do you get if you drop a piano on a team's defence?
A flat back four!

Why did the goal post get angry?
Because the bar was rattled!

What is the bank manager's favourite type of football?
Fiver side!

What part of a football ground is never the same?
The changing rooms!

What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
Bring on their subs!

Our team is doing so badly that "Manager of the Month" isn't an award.
It's an appointment!

Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?
They got jellygated!

Which insect didn't play well in goal?
The fumble bee!

What did the bumble bee striker say?
Hive scored!

What is black and white and black and white and black and white?
A Collingwood fan rolling down a hill!

What are Brazilian fans called?
Brazil nuts!

Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
He was the skipper!

How do hens encourage their football teams?
They egg them on!

What lights up a football stadium?
A football match!

If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?
Cornflakes!

Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?
Because there is no atmosphere!

Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?
Webley stadium!

When fish play football, who is the captain?
The team's kipper!

Ref: I'm sending you off
Player: What for?
Ref: The rest of the match!

Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?
They tend to go cheep!

What is a goal keepers favourite snack?
Beans on post!

How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!

What's tennis players favourite city?
Volley wood!

How does a physicist exercise?
By pumping ion!

Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?
Because education pays off in the long run!

What is a runner's favourite subject in school?
Jog-raphy!

What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?
Ince pies!

What does a footballer and a magician have in common?
Both do hat tricks!

Which football team loves ice-cream?
Aston Vanilla!

Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
All of them, a crossbar can't jump!

Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?
They prefer cricket matches!

What stories are told by basketball players?
Tall stories!

Who won the race between two balls of string?
They we're tied!

Why are football players never asked for dinner?
Because they're always dribbling!

Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?
Because he liked sole music!

What tea do footballers drink?
Penaltea!

Where do footballers dance?
At a football!

Sports Jokes Part 2

Its the first game of the Soccer World Cup, Brazil v Scotland.
Ronaldo says to his team mates 'this should be easy, you lot go down the pub and i will play them on my own'.
So all the others go down the pub and watch the game on the TV.
After 3 minutes ..GOAL.. its Brazil 1 Scotland 0...Ronaldo 3min.
They decide to switch off the TV and enjoy the drinking. After the game they switched back on to find the final score Brazil 1 Scotland 1. Ferguson had scored in the 89th minute.
'Not too bad' said the brazil team,' he has done really well by himself'.
10 minutes later Ronaldo walked into the pub and started to apologise. 'Not to worry you done really well by yourself' 'no no i really let u down' Ronaldo said. 'I got sent off after 12 minutes'.

One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed." The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the West Coast Eagles game and you'll see." The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game. The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Eagles score, my dog does flips." The Eagles keep scoring goals (6 points) and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. "Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Eagless score a behind (1 point)?" asked the bartender. The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years."

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs. And the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my freakin' ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some idiot puts a swimming cap on me!"

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing nobody around, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at a pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A girl standing next to him couldn't help but notice the large bulge.
"What's that?" she asked, pointing at his shorts.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh my gosh," said the girl sympathetically... ,that must be very painful . . . . I had tennis elbow once!"

Socceroos goalkeeper Mark Schwarzer was walking along a street one day when he heard screams from a nearby building. He looked up to see smoke billowing from a fourth-floor window and a woman leaning out holding a baby.
"Help ! Help!" screamed the woman, "I need someone to catch my baby!"
A crowd of onlookers had gathered, but none was confident about catching a baby dropped from such a great height. Then Schwarzer, stepped forward. "I'm the Number 1 goalie of the Socceroos," he called to the woman. "I'm renowned for my safe hands. Drop the baby and I will catch it. For me, it will be just like catching a ball."
The woman agreed. "Ok, then. When I drop my baby, treat it as if you were catching a ball."
On a count of three, the woman dropped the baby. Everyone held their breath as Mark Schwarzer lined himself up to catch it. There was a huge sigh of relief, followed by wild cheering as Schwarzer caught the baby safely in his arms. Then he bounced it twice on the ground and kicked it 50 yards down the street.


During Perth Glory's pre-season training, one of their strikers married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star striker, "You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no bigger than your hand."
"That's right, Coach," replied the striker. "But, she's much better!"

Alexander Potter was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen.
One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a cricket match, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the television set.
"Hey," Alex shouted, "what do you think you're doing? I am sick of sports, and I'm sick of TV," his wife replied. "You haven't touched me in months. We're going to talk about sex right now!"
"Okay, Okay. So..." After a moment, he asked, "How often do you think Ricky Ponting gets laid?"

A teacher asks her students if they're Essendon fans.
All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"Collingwood" Bobby replies.
"Why's that?" asks the teacher.
"Well, my parents are both Collingwood fans, so I'm a Collingwood fan too." he reples.
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?" the teacher asks.
Bobby replies, "No, that would make me an Essendon fan!"

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish.
Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Mate" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"I can't even understand what you are saying." says the old man.
"The boy replies, "You have to kepp the worms warm."

Who's the Mightiest of the Jungle?

The Lion was walking through the forest and saw a mouse come along. Asserting his dominance the Lion lets out a mighty roar and screams, "WHO'S THE KING OF ALL THE LAND?!"
The mouse cowers in fear and says, "You all mighty lion..."
The lion is pleased and says, "You may live."
Soon after a monkey comes walking, and the...(tharr be more) Lion again lets out a mighty roar, "WHO'S THE KING OF ALL THE LAND"
The monkey cries in fright, but manages to say, "You all mighty lion..."
The lion is pleased and says, "You may live."
Next an elephant comes walking along. The Lion puffs himself up and lets out a mighty roar and yells, "WHO'S THE KING OF ALL THE LAND."
The elephant grabs the lion with his trunk tosses him repeatedly in the air, bangs him against some trees. Tosses him against a rock, stomps on him and walks off.
The Lion looks at the elephant and says, "Just because you don't know the answer doesn't mean you gotta get so upset."

Luke's trip to Rome

Luke walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut.
Joe: "What's up?"
Luke: "I am taking a trip to Rome next month."
Joe: "ROME?! Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?"
Luke: "We're taking TWA."
Joe: "TWA?! They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they are always late! So where you staying in Rome?"
Luke: "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."
Joe: "That DUMP?! That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is slow, and they are overpriced. So whatcha doing when you get there?" Luke: "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."
Joe: "HA! That's rich! You and a million other people trying to see him. He will look like the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this trip. You're going to need it!" A month later, Luke comes in for his regular haircut.
Joe: "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"
Luke: "No, quite the opposite. Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot."
Joe: "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."
Luke: "No, quite the opposite. They had just finished a $25 million remodeling project. It's the finest hotel in Rome now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge."
Joe: "Well, I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"
Luke: "Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
Joe: "Really, what did he say?"
Luke: "He said, “My Son, where'd you get that awful haircut?"

John and his pet parrot

A young man named John received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Priest's 25th Anniversary Joke

A Catholic priest was being honored at a dinner celebrating the 25th anniversary of his priesthood. A leading local politician, who was a member of the priest's parish, was chosen to make the presentation and give the keynote speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional can never be broken, however I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first bloke who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer! Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled! But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest said his thank you, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Mick "The Joker"'s 150th Appearance Behind The Microphone

Mick "The Joker" live on radio

Hey guys!!!

In case you didn't know, I told jokes on radio recently and you can listen here, simply by closing the advertisement and pressing the play button below!

Mick "The Joker"'s First Comedy Act for 2010

Chinese New Year Jokes

How much does a Chinese restaurant weigh?
Won Ton (one ton)!

How did an embarrassed panda get mistaken for a newspaper?
They are both black and white, and red all over!

What's purple, 10,000 km long and 12m high?
The grape wall of China.

Where can you always find a tiger's head?
four foot from his tail!

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

English mothers feed their babies with tiny spoons!
Chinese mothers use toothpicks!

3 Sons And Gifts For Their Mum

Three sons, Peter, Paul and Patrick became doctors and left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother for her 80th birthday.
Peter said, "I built a big house for our Mother."
Paul said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
Patrick smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took priests and preachers 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
At the party, the mother thanks each of her sons indvidually.
"Peter, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Paul, I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Patrick, you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

The Priest And The Faulty Microphone Joke

A priest wanted to improve the mass at his old-fashioned parish. He said, “From next Sunday onwards, when I say “The Lord be with you”, you respond “And with you also.” Rather than the usual “and also with you”.” The big moment arrived the following Sunday. The priest processed to the altar for mass, only to realize that the microphone was faulty. He said loudly, “There is something wrong with this microphone.” And the congregation replied, “AND WITH YOU ALSO!!!”