Cricket Jokes

The England bobsleigh team have asked the English cricket team for a meeting. They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!

What's the difference between Kevin Pietersen and a funeral director?
A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.

What is the main function of a cricket coach?

To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

On his way out into the middle to bat, Shane Watson gets a call from his wife and team mate Steve Smith tells her he's heading out to the middle.
His wife replies, 'I'll hold, he won't be long!'

What's the difference between an England batsman and a Formula 1 car?
Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.

Who has the easiest job in the England squad?
The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
The entire England innings.

Why is Shane Watson cleverer than Houdini?
Because he can get out without even trying.

Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day?

Michael Clarke called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Alistair Cook, 'You lads can bat.'

Just as quickly, Cook replied, 'No, we can't. We really can't.'

What's the difference between Ian Bell and a phoenix?
At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.

Why can no-one drink wine in England at the moment?
They haven't got any openers ...

What is the difference between Cinderella and the Poms?
Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Which pig was an Australian cricketer?

Brad Hog! (Hogg)

Which former Australian cricketer can be found in space?

Damien Martian (Martyn)

Which Australian cricketer laughs a lot?

Mike Ha Ha Ha-ssey! (Hussey)

Which former Autralian cricketer has orange hair?

Justin Wranger! (Langer)

Which cricket great can you find in a bakery?

Sir Donald Breadman! (Bradman)

Which flower is also a cricket legend?

Dennis Lily! (Lillee)

An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was doing.
By mistake he dialled the number for Melbourne Cricket Ground during the a Test Match.
“How’s it going?” he asked. “Fine,” came the answer, “We’ve got five out already and only 5 more to go. The last one was a duck..”

A Scotsman just migrated to Australia. He attended a cricket game between Australia and India at the Melbourne Cricket Ground and when a batsman connects heavily with the ball, he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"

Steve Smith connects heavily with the ball, runs for a single, and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!

Michael Clarke sends the ball towards the boundary, and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of cricket, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

Smith is steadfastly bowled out the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A local fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's out."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and on seeing Smith heading for the Pavilion, he screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest cricket fans in Australia. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed cricket history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was cricket in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Australian win the Ashes series earlier in the day.

He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked."

Of course it me," Bob replied."This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there cricket in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes there is cricket in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is great! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're batting tomorrow night."