Cricket Jokes

The England bobsleigh team have asked the English cricket team for a meeting. They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!

What's the difference between Kevin Pietersen and a funeral director?
A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.

What is the main function of a cricket coach?

To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

On his way out into the middle to bat, Shane Watson gets a call from his wife and team mate Steve Smith tells her he's heading out to the middle.
His wife replies, 'I'll hold, he won't be long!'

What's the difference between an England batsman and a Formula 1 car?
Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.

Who has the easiest job in the England squad?
The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
The entire England innings.

Why is Shane Watson cleverer than Houdini?
Because he can get out without even trying.

Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day?

Michael Clarke called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Alistair Cook, 'You lads can bat.'

Just as quickly, Cook replied, 'No, we can't. We really can't.'

What's the difference between Ian Bell and a phoenix?
At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.

Why can no-one drink wine in England at the moment?
They haven't got any openers ...

What is the difference between Cinderella and the Poms?
Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Which pig was an Australian cricketer?

Brad Hog! (Hogg)

Which former Australian cricketer can be found in space?

Damien Martian (Martyn)

Which Australian cricketer laughs a lot?

Mike Ha Ha Ha-ssey! (Hussey)

Which former Autralian cricketer has orange hair?

Justin Wranger! (Langer)

Which cricket great can you find in a bakery?

Sir Donald Breadman! (Bradman)

Which flower is also a cricket legend?

Dennis Lily! (Lillee)

An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was doing.
By mistake he dialled the number for Melbourne Cricket Ground during the a Test Match.
“How’s it going?” he asked. “Fine,” came the answer, “We’ve got five out already and only 5 more to go. The last one was a duck..”

A Scotsman just migrated to Australia. He attended a cricket game between Australia and India at the Melbourne Cricket Ground and when a batsman connects heavily with the ball, he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"

Steve Smith connects heavily with the ball, runs for a single, and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!

Michael Clarke sends the ball towards the boundary, and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of cricket, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

Smith is steadfastly bowled out the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A local fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's out."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and on seeing Smith heading for the Pavilion, he screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest cricket fans in Australia. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed cricket history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was cricket in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Australian win the Ashes series earlier in the day.

He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked."

Of course it me," Bob replied."This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there cricket in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes there is cricket in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is great! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're batting tomorrow night."

The burglar and the dog

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" 

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: 

"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. 

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Doberman Jesus."

The Irishman and his 3 beers

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.

This happens yet again.  The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother.  You know-the two beers and all..."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself,  have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

A two-part Parrot Joke

There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the Captain's parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:

"IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE!"or

"IT'S IN HIS POCKET, IT'S IN HIS POCKET!"or

"IT'S IN HIS MOUTH, IT'S IN HIS MOUTH!"

The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to make the parrot disappear if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.

Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of debris in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.

The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said, "OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"

The parrot and magician are rescued that day. The magician lands himself a job at another cruise ship, whilst the parrot was adopted by a Catholic priest.

Whilst the priest was overseas, a coal-vendor came by the presbytery. He knocked on the door a few times, and the parrot finally called out "HELLO?" The coal-vendor, thinking it was a human, asked "Do you want to buy some coal?" to which the parrot replied "GIVE ME A DOZEN! GIVE ME A DOZEN!"

Well, the priest came home a week later and found out that he had to pay for a dozen sacks of coal which the parrot 'bought'. He was very angry with the bird, and for punishment, he took the bird to the living room, spread out his wings and nailed him to the wall.

The parrot hung there alone, upset and swearing to itself. Then it looked across the wall and noticed the priest's large crucifix.

The parrot looked at Jesus and said “How long have you been nailed there?”

“Two thousand years” Jesus replied.
“Wow!” said the parrot. “How much coal did you order?”