Thursday, February 18, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Chinese New Year Jokes
How much does a Chinese restaurant weigh?Won Ton (one ton)!
How did an embarrassed panda get mistaken for a newspaper?
They are both black and white, and red all over!
What's purple, 10,000 km long and 12m high?
The grape wall of China.
Where can you always find a tiger's head?
four foot from his tail!
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
English mothers feed their babies with tiny spoons!
Chinese mothers use toothpicks!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
3 Sons And Gifts For Their Mum
Three sons, Peter, Paul and Patrick became doctors and left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother for her 80th birthday.
Peter said, "I built a big house for our Mother."
Paul said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
Patrick smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took priests and preachers 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
At the party, the mother thanks each of her sons indvidually.
"Peter, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Paul, I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Patrick, you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
Peter said, "I built a big house for our Mother."
Paul said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
Patrick smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took priests and preachers 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
At the party, the mother thanks each of her sons indvidually.
"Peter, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Paul, I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Patrick, you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
Friday, January 01, 2010
The Priest And The Faulty Microphone Joke
A priest wanted to improve the mass at his old-fashioned parish. He said, “From next Sunday onwards, when I say “The Lord be with you”, you respond “And with you also.” Rather than the usual “and also with you”.” The big moment arrived the following Sunday. The priest processed to the altar for mass, only to realize that the microphone was faulty. He said loudly, “There is something wrong with this microphone.” And the congregation replied, “AND WITH YOU ALSO!!!”
Friday, November 13, 2009
Friday, October 09, 2009
SWINE FLU JOKES
Did you hear about the guy who said he would get sick when pigs Fly.The Swine Flu
Did you here about the pig who went on the plane?
The swine flu
I had a glass of merlot last night. I woke up this morning with a cough and a sniffle. I think it’s wine flu.
It was once said that when a black man becomes US president, pigs will fly. True enough, 100 days into Obama's presidency.... SWINE FLU
First we had, Aids, followed by SARS and foot & mouth. We then had bird flu and now Swine Flu... it's like Pokemon - I got to catch 'em all.
I called the Swine Flu hotline today but I couldn't get through... all I got was crackling!
How do you know if you have Swine Flu? You keep getting these rashers!
Doctor, Doctor. I think I have Swine Flu! Don't worry, just rub in this oinkment.
Oinkment won't work for Mexican Swine Flu. You need Juantibiotics!
Doctor, Doctor. I've just eaten a bacon sandwich, am I going to die? Depends if the bacon was cured or not.
Doctor, Doctor. My daughter woke up this morning in pigtails. Should I be worried?
A woman runs out of petrol and phones her husband "I've run out of petrol but I daren't go to fill up because of this Swine Flu". The husband says "you daft hayputh, it's in Mexico, not Texaco!"
Feeling bored on the bus/train/underground? Take out your mobile phone and pretend to have a conversation with an imaginary caller all about your recent holiday in Mexico. Hang up. Then sneeze...
News Flash .... this just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the a-pork-alypse!
This little piggy went to market
This little piggy stayed at home
this little piggy had roast beef
This little piggy had none
and this little piggy went "cough, sneeze" and the whole world's media went mad over the imminent destruction of the human race, and every journalist found out that they didn't have to do too much work if they just did "Find 'bird', replace with 'swine'" on all their saved articles from a year ago, er, all the way home.
THE World Health Organisation has confirmed that a Swine Flu pandemic is now imminent, raising fears that millions of people obviously have no idea what a pandemic is.
How did the 2 timing Mexican get into heaven?
The swine flew!
I'm worried I might have caught Swine Flu. I haven't been to Mexico but I've been with some pigs in my time!
The reason Mexicans took so long to notice people with symptoms including "sweating, excessive body odour and laziness" was because they are so used to Yanks visiting their country.
Apparently over 6 billion emails have been sent out in the last week about Swine Flu. Duh! Didn't you know spam comes from pigs.
A lion, a bear and a pig are in the pub, showing off.
The lion claims, "I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I roar and the plains shake."
The bear claims, "I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I roar and the forests shake."
The pig replied, "Nah, I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I cough and the whole world wets itself..."
Watch out for the following:
• Look out for any unusual blemishes or rashers.
• Unusual behaviour: doing things you would normally find a complete boar.
• Bad temper: things start to very easily rind you up.
• Overheating: Feeling that you are absolutely bacon hot.
• Chills; Feeling like you need to hog the duvet or curl up in front of a crackling fire.
• Wanting a fight: Shouting out things like “Gammon have a go if you think you’re hard enough…”
If any of these symptoms show, then immediately call a hambulance, and go to the hogspital for trewatment. Smokers please note it is a non smoking facility, so you won’t be able to have a snout.
Of course all of this could be a false alarm, in which case you will return home shamefaced with your curly tail between your legs, but if the symptoms return, try going to your local pharmacy for some oinkment.
So it appears Swine Flu has replaced the fears about bird flu. I guess bird flu just never took off...
FIFA has banned Mexican Waves to prevent the spread of infection.
I just heard on the news that, "Swine flu could potentially be a threat to every single person in England". Well it’s a good thing I’m married then isn’t it.
Apparently the first symptom of Swine Flu is that you get the trotts.
All of this makes me feel like America will view the term "Pigging Out" very differently from now
If only pigs didn't know how to build brick houses, the common wolf would have eradicated any chance of Swine flu years ago.
I never thought I'd be personally affected by the two dreaded words "pig" and "flu". Now my entire home has been decimated by it ... Police helicopter just crashed into the roof!
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
Pokemon Jokes
How do you fit 100 Pikachu onto a bus?
Poke 'em on!
When do you take your Pokémon to the doctor?
When it's Bulbasaur [= when its bulb is sore] or when it's Koffing!
What do you call a low fat Pokemon?
Butterfree!
Which Pokemon can you order at an Italian restaurant?
Pizzachu!
Which Pokemon would you get if you put a parrot into a washing machine?
Polly-whirl! (Poliwhirl)
What did Pikachu say when it was playing hide'n'seek with Togepi?
Peek-a-choo!
What do you get when you put Ash Ketchum in a room full of 10 fighting Charizard?
Ash and 10 Charizard [ash = cinders].
Why didn't Chikorita cross the road?"
Because it was chicken.
What's Pikachu's favourite dessert?
Shock tarts!
What's Pikachu's favourite treat?
Shock-chip cookies.
What three Pokémon can count in Spanish?
The legendary birds... Articuno, Zapdos, Moltres
What do naughty Pikachu do?
Peek-at-chu [= Peek at you].!
Who are the two most famous people in the whole world?
Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan, since they have Pokémon named after them (Hitmonlee and Hitmonchan)
Why does a Charizard have a flame on its tail?
Because it wouldn't look good with a carrier bag.
How many Slowpoke does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. It just takes a few hours.
What does a Pokémon take for constipation?
Snor-Lax!
What's do you call a whole-grain Pokémon?
Rye-chu!
What did the french fire Pokémon say when asked how he would defeat a Power Ranger?
"I'll Char 'iz zord!"
Which Pokémon came from a different planet?
Venus-saur!
What is the most disgusting Pokémon?
Vile-plume!
What do you call a Pokémon who loves street-racing?
Nitro-king!
Which Pokémon is of French origin?
Paras!
Which is the grumpiest Pokémon?
Krabby!
What did Dorothy Gale name her Pokémon?
Toto-dile!
What's the hottest Pokémon?
Chik-orita!
Why should you never take a shower with a Pokemon?
Because they Pikachu [= peek at you].
Why did Combusken cross the road?
To prove he wasn't chicken!
Why doesn't Blastoise share?
Because it's a shellfish (selfish) Pokémon.
What Pokémon sounds like a train?
Pika-chu-chu!
What three Pokémon are always getting hired by the Mafia?
Hitmontop, Hitmonlee, Hitmonchan.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Raichu.
Raichu who?
Right you are.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivysaur.
Ivysaur who?
I've a sore knuckle from knocking and knocking.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Rhydon.
Rhydon who?
Right on time. Weren't you expecting me?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
May.
May who?
May I come in?
Friday, June 05, 2009
Painting A Church Joke
One day, a city decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of its Roman Catholic cathedral. Jack the painter put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.
And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a clap of thunder, and the sky opened. The rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the cathedral and knocking Jack clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... "Repaint! and thin no more!"
And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a clap of thunder, and the sky opened. The rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the cathedral and knocking Jack clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... "Repaint! and thin no more!"
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Church Humour
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Dad..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country."
Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, its morning!"
A Catholic priest parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
There is the story of a priest who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked."You know - Our Father, who art in Heaven... "
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.
Later in the day, the priest stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
The priest was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the mass," he said impatiently.
"But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the mass, the priest paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "Advance Australia Fair." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Little Johnny Jokes
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.
Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank you when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.
At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say he can see good?"
The Mother said, "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision."
Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!"
Teacher; Didn't you promise to behave?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir.
Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.
Little Johnny returned from school and told his father that he'd gotten an "F" in arithmetic.
"Why?" asked the father.
"The teacher asked me 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said '6,'" replied Johnny.
"But that's right!" exclaimed his father.
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'" explained Johnny.
"What the heck's the difference?" asked his father.
"That's what I said!!" replied Johnny.
Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the schoolyard. Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.
The first one said: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!"
The second one said: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!"
Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: "Sorry, dudes... but MY DAD is the fastest. He's a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,... and he's home by 3:45!"
On day Little Johnny said to his mother "Mom, remember that vase you always worried I'd break?" "Yes. What about it?" she asked.
Little Johnny replied "Your worries are over!"
Johnny has just received his driver's license. His family goes out to the driveway and climbs into the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the backseat, directly behind the new driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," replies his father, "I'm going to sit here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!"
Teacher: "Johnny, give me a sentence starting with 'I'"
Little Johnny: "I is..." Teacher: "No, Little Johnny. Always say 'I am.'"
Little Johnny: "All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
Little Johnny was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything, tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short everything that they could think of.
Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Johnny down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School.
After the first day, little Johnny comes home with a very serious look on his face.
He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books and paper are spread out all over the room & Little Johnny is hard at work.
His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner & to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for some time, day after day while the Mother tries to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, Little Johnny brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table & goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it & to her surprise, Little Johnny got an A in Math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room & says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" little Johnny looks at her and shakes his head no.
"Well then," She asks "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it??" Little Johnny looks at her and say "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
There's this school down in South Texas where there are very few white kids, mostly all Mexican. The teacher was asking for the kids to identify famous quotes.
She asked, "Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country'?"
Little Johnny raises his hand, but she calls on Maria, who answers, "John F Kennedy." Then, she asks "Who said, 'I have a dream...'?"
Little Johnny raises his hands, both of them, and waves them around, but she calls on Juan, who says, "Martin Luther King."
This continues with quotes from Winston Churchill and other notable historians. Finally, the bell rings, and in the confusion and noise of the kids leaving the classroom, a voice from the back of the room yells, "To hell with all those Mexicans."
The teacher hollers out, "Who said that!" Little Johnny puts up his hand and replies, "Davy Crockett, at the Alamo."
Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, "Put that away Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "Okay, I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"
He says, "I wanna play Mommy and Daddy."
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.
Little Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers' old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises up and says,
"What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"
Little Johnny refused to eat.
So his mother, in desperation, took him to the psychiatrist, who tried many methods, to no avail. The psychiatrist asked, "What would you like to eat?"
"Worms" Little Johnny said.
The psychiatrist was gleeful as he sent his nurse for cupful. Placing them on a plate, he said, "Here they are."
"I want them fried" was the response.
The nurse took them and had them fried. When presented with them, Little Johnny replied that he only desired one.
The psychiatrist took one and in a strong voice said, "Here is only one. Now eat it." "I only want half and you eat the other" was the reply.
The psychiatrist swallowed one half and gave the other to Little Johnny. Just then Little Johnny began to cry.
The doctor asked what was wrong. Little Johnny said, "You ate my half!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.
Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank you when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.
At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say he can see good?"
The Mother said, "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision."
Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!"
Teacher; Didn't you promise to behave?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir.
Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.
Little Johnny returned from school and told his father that he'd gotten an "F" in arithmetic.
"Why?" asked the father.
"The teacher asked me 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said '6,'" replied Johnny.
"But that's right!" exclaimed his father.
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'" explained Johnny.
"What the heck's the difference?" asked his father.
"That's what I said!!" replied Johnny.
Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the schoolyard. Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.
The first one said: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!"
The second one said: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!"
Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: "Sorry, dudes... but MY DAD is the fastest. He's a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,... and he's home by 3:45!"
On day Little Johnny said to his mother "Mom, remember that vase you always worried I'd break?" "Yes. What about it?" she asked.
Little Johnny replied "Your worries are over!"
Johnny has just received his driver's license. His family goes out to the driveway and climbs into the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the backseat, directly behind the new driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," replies his father, "I'm going to sit here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!"
Teacher: "Johnny, give me a sentence starting with 'I'"
Little Johnny: "I is..." Teacher: "No, Little Johnny. Always say 'I am.'"
Little Johnny: "All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
Little Johnny was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything, tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short everything that they could think of.
Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Johnny down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School.
After the first day, little Johnny comes home with a very serious look on his face.
He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books and paper are spread out all over the room & Little Johnny is hard at work.
His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner & to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for some time, day after day while the Mother tries to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, Little Johnny brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table & goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it & to her surprise, Little Johnny got an A in Math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room & says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" little Johnny looks at her and shakes his head no.
"Well then," She asks "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it??" Little Johnny looks at her and say "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
There's this school down in South Texas where there are very few white kids, mostly all Mexican. The teacher was asking for the kids to identify famous quotes.
She asked, "Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country'?"
Little Johnny raises his hand, but she calls on Maria, who answers, "John F Kennedy." Then, she asks "Who said, 'I have a dream...'?"
Little Johnny raises his hands, both of them, and waves them around, but she calls on Juan, who says, "Martin Luther King."
This continues with quotes from Winston Churchill and other notable historians. Finally, the bell rings, and in the confusion and noise of the kids leaving the classroom, a voice from the back of the room yells, "To hell with all those Mexicans."
The teacher hollers out, "Who said that!" Little Johnny puts up his hand and replies, "Davy Crockett, at the Alamo."
Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, "Put that away Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "Okay, I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"
He says, "I wanna play Mommy and Daddy."
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.
Little Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers' old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises up and says,
"What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"
Little Johnny refused to eat.
So his mother, in desperation, took him to the psychiatrist, who tried many methods, to no avail. The psychiatrist asked, "What would you like to eat?"
"Worms" Little Johnny said.
The psychiatrist was gleeful as he sent his nurse for cupful. Placing them on a plate, he said, "Here they are."
"I want them fried" was the response.
The nurse took them and had them fried. When presented with them, Little Johnny replied that he only desired one.
The psychiatrist took one and in a strong voice said, "Here is only one. Now eat it." "I only want half and you eat the other" was the reply.
The psychiatrist swallowed one half and gave the other to Little Johnny. Just then Little Johnny began to cry.
The doctor asked what was wrong. Little Johnny said, "You ate my half!"
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Mick "The Joker" On Youtube
Did you know that Mick "The Joker" uploaded 3 videos of himself telling jokes on Youtube?
You can check them out by clicking any of the following urls:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epuJXqekYDc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qwSoJMOeqMw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szs8Dva9Nzk
You can check them out by clicking any of the following urls:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epuJXqekYDc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qwSoJMOeqMw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szs8Dva9Nzk
Saturday, January 10, 2009
3 Men Jump Off A Building
There were three men, an Australian, an Italian and an Irishman. They were construction workers. One day, they were sitting on top of their construction site, the scaffolding of a tall skyscraper. They were having their lunch and they opened their lunchboxes. Australian man: "Oh man... Sandwiches with vegemite again. If I get this one more time, I'm jumping down from this building!"
Italian man: "Dam it... Spaghetti and meatballs again. If I get this one more time, I'm jumping down with you, my friend!"
Irishman: "Far out... Irish stew again. I'm also jumping down if I get this one more time!"
The next day, at the same spot, the men opened their lunchboxes.
Australian man: "Goodbye my friends. I'm jumping down now as I got sandwiches with vegemite again!"
Italian man: "Oh no, spaghetti and meatballs again! I have to depart now! Goodbye!"
Irishman: "(Groan) I'm joining the other two men as I got Irish stew again!"
(Down they go)
At the mens' funeral, the men's wives were talking to each other about them.
Australian woman: "I thought sandwiches with vegemite was his favourite, no wonder I always make it for him."
Italian woman: "If he didn't like spaghetti and meatballs, he should've told me, and I can make him something else."
They turned to the Irish woman who said, "Don't look at me. He is the one who makes his own lunch."
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Telephone Jokes Part 1
"Abbey Telecom. Would you spell that, please?""Certainly. A as in aye. B as in bee. B as in bee. E as in eye. Y as in you."
"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."
A lady was getting inundated with wrong number callers. Why? An accounts department had introduced an 0800 number that was identical to hers. When she called to complain, she was told to change her number.
"I've had mine for fifteen years," she said. "Couldn't you change yours?"
They refused, so she said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to tell everyone who calls that their invoice is satisfied."
The accounts department got a new number the next day.
"I've had mine for fifteen years," she said. "Couldn't you change yours?"
They refused, so she said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to tell everyone who calls that their invoice is satisfied."
The accounts department got a new number the next day.
Fred and Doris were deep in slumber. Fred wakes to answer the phone. "How the heck should I know, that's 30 miles away!!" and slams down the receiver.
"Who was that?" asks Doris.
"I dunno, he wanted to know if the coast is clear."
"Who was that?" asks Doris.
"I dunno, he wanted to know if the coast is clear."
It's the late 1980's, and an IT Manager’s boss at a non-profit agency had a brainwave.
"He wanted to provide a auto-attendant menu-driven telephone system that would give HR advice by phone," said the IT Manager.
"I was taken to lunch by the local phone company to discuss it. Being new to the project, I started by asking what percentage of the Ribble Valley community had touch-tone phones ... mission critical for automated attendant systems. As I remember, the food was excellent and the project was never discussed again."
"He wanted to provide a auto-attendant menu-driven telephone system that would give HR advice by phone," said the IT Manager.
"I was taken to lunch by the local phone company to discuss it. Being new to the project, I started by asking what percentage of the Ribble Valley community had touch-tone phones ... mission critical for automated attendant systems. As I remember, the food was excellent and the project was never discussed again."
The phone rang numerous times that night. A woman's voice kept asking for Danny. Each time I explained that I lived alone, my name was Damien, and she had the wrong number. Six times was enough.
"Hi?" I said.
"Can I speak to Danny, please?"
I replied, "I'm sorry, he's out. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll return?" she asked.
"I think he said he'd be back at 10 pm."
Silence on the other end... a confused silence.
"Is this Les?"
"Yep. Do you want to leave a message for Danny?"
"Well... he asked me to call him tonight," she said, in an agitated voice.
I replied, "Well, he went out with Joanne at 7 pm and said that he would be back at 10 pm."
A stunned voice now: "Who's Joanne?!"
"The girl he went out with."
"I know that! I mean... who is she?"
"I don't know her surname. Do you want me to leave a message for Danny?"
"Yes. Tell him to ring me when he gets back."
She was sounding pretty irate at this point. "I will. Is this Holly?"
She exploded, "Who's Holly?"
"Well... he's going out with Holly at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."
"Danny’s the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Cath called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."
I said, "Okay, I will... but Julie isn't going to like this..."
"Hi?" I said.
"Can I speak to Danny, please?"
I replied, "I'm sorry, he's out. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll return?" she asked.
"I think he said he'd be back at 10 pm."
Silence on the other end... a confused silence.
"Is this Les?"
"Yep. Do you want to leave a message for Danny?"
"Well... he asked me to call him tonight," she said, in an agitated voice.
I replied, "Well, he went out with Joanne at 7 pm and said that he would be back at 10 pm."
A stunned voice now: "Who's Joanne?!"
"The girl he went out with."
"I know that! I mean... who is she?"
"I don't know her surname. Do you want me to leave a message for Danny?"
"Yes. Tell him to ring me when he gets back."
She was sounding pretty irate at this point. "I will. Is this Holly?"
She exploded, "Who's Holly?"
"Well... he's going out with Holly at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."
"Danny’s the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Cath called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."
I said, "Okay, I will... but Julie isn't going to like this..."
The bath-tub was invented in 1850.
The telephone was invented in 1875.
If you had lived back then, you could have sat in the bath for 25 years without being interupted by the phone.
The telephone was invented in 1875.
If you had lived back then, you could have sat in the bath for 25 years without being interupted by the phone.
A student asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean."
With that the father dialled a random number. He said, "Hello, is Adrian there?"
The man answered, "There is no one here called Adrian. Why don't you pay attention when dialling?"
He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...."
The father dialled the number again. "Hello, is Adrian there?" asked the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number andI told you that there is no Adrian here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. NowI'll show you what exasperation means."
He re-dialled and when a violent voice roared 'Hello!' , the father calmly said, "Hello, this is Adrian. Have there been any phone calls for me?"
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean."
With that the father dialled a random number. He said, "Hello, is Adrian there?"
The man answered, "There is no one here called Adrian. Why don't you pay attention when dialling?"
He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...."
The father dialled the number again. "Hello, is Adrian there?" asked the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number andI told you that there is no Adrian here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. NowI'll show you what exasperation means."
He re-dialled and when a violent voice roared 'Hello!' , the father calmly said, "Hello, this is Adrian. Have there been any phone calls for me?"
The company had a digital telephone system that rerouted after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a certain line, Tony knew it would be a wrong number.
When the phone rang, Tony answered saying, "Psychic Hotline. I'm sorry, but you've dialled the wrong number."
The callers would reply with something like, "I didn't even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialed the wrong...!" (click)
When the phone rang, Tony answered saying, "Psychic Hotline. I'm sorry, but you've dialled the wrong number."
The callers would reply with something like, "I didn't even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialed the wrong...!" (click)
Telephone Jokes Part 2
After directory assistance gave a girl her boyfriend's new telephone number, she dialled him -- and got a woman.
"Is Jozef there?" she asked.
"He's in the shower," the woman exclaimed.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," she said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, the girl re-dialed. A man answered, "This is Jozef."
"You're not my boyfriend!" she exclaimed.
"I know, that's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
My office said that I missed a call from "Cath" at the bank regarding our account. So, I called my bank and the switchboard operator asked me what Cath’s last name was and I explained that she hadn't left her surname.
When she asked for her department, I said that I didn't know.
"There are 1500 employees in this building, sir," she told me abruptly.
So I asked her for her name.
"Joanne," she said.
"What is your surname?" I asked.
"Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give surnames."
Sudents at college were discussing the cost of long distance calls and debating the relative advantages of BT, NTL and Skype.
"I've found RCC to be the cheapest plan around," Said one.
"RCC? Who are they?"
"You know," he responded. "Reverse Charge Calls."
Dianne grew up in a small town by the sea, then moved away to study law at university. She decided to come back to the small town because she could be a big lawyer in this small town. She really wanted to impress everyone. She opened a new legal practice, but business was very slow at first.
One day, she saw a man coming up the pavement. She decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Dianne picked up the phone. She motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in London that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the judge that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details. "
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Dianne rattled instructions. Finally, she put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from Abbey Telecom. I am here to install your telephone line."
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated evening meal and, as I answered, I was greeted with, "Is this Obadiah Higginbottom?"
I asked, "Who is calling?"
The canvasser said he was with The Cheap Telephone Calls Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew Obadiah personally and why was he was calling this number. I then said, off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood."
I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in court to testify in this murder case.
I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the deceased and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The canvasser was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.
Then I proceeded to tell him that we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.
My wife asked me, as I returned to the table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.
My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.
Dave was a frequent user of a payphone at a petrol station, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone faulty.
Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.
After several days, Dave again contacted BT and said that there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working OK...except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.
A telephone engineer arrived within the hour!
Jozef, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at 3.33 A.M. by his telephone."Your barking dog is keeping me awake," said an angry voice.Jozef thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.The next morning at precisely 3:33 A.M., Jozef called his neighbour back.
"Good morning, Mr. Walker. Just called to say that I haven’t got a dog."
One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. in Patrick’s house. He picked up the phone and a woman asked, "Is this 721111?"
"No, this is 721112." Patrick replied.
"Oh, I'm so sorry for bothering you." The woman said.
"That's alright," Patrick said. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."
Friday, October 24, 2008
Golden Age Jokes
An elderly gentleman... had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doc tor said, 'Your hearing is pert. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
' Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it ..' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to fetch it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy, 'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
The first one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
The second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
The third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
' Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty .'
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doc tor said, 'Your hearing is pert. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
' Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it ..' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to fetch it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy, 'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
The first one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
The second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
The third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
' Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty .'
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Fishing Jokes
While sports fishing off the Fremantle coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!""Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a
single word.On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.
When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?"
"Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.
The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"
Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"
A couple of young blokes were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden!!
When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?"
"Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.
The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"
Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"
A couple of young blokes were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden!!
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.
After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
"Lets see yer fishin license, Boy !!" the Warden gasped. With that, the bloke pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son", said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks !! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes Sir", replied the young bloke," But my friend back there, well, he don't have one"...
A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?
The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."
Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"
His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"
An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."
In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."
Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
"Lets see yer fishin license, Boy !!" the Warden gasped. With that, the bloke pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son", said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks !! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes Sir", replied the young bloke," But my friend back there, well, he don't have one"...
A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?
The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."
Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"
His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"
An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."
In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."
Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Aunty Nelia's Jokes
This were the favourite jokes of my late aunty Nelia, who passed away on the 14th of September 2008. May she rest in peace...
A young boy was interested on becoming a priest when he grows up. He went to see his parish priest for an interview at his office, to see if he's ready. The priest asked a series of questions:
Priest: "Do you know who Joseph is?"
Boy: "Yes, that is the father of Jesus."
Priest: "Do you know who Mary is?"
Boy: "Yes, that is the mother of Jesus."
Priest: "Now, do you know who Jesus is?"
Boy: "No, Father. I don't know who Jesus is."
The priest took a crucifix from his wall, showed it to the boy, and asked him, "Do you know who this is?"
The boy replied, "Yes! Yes! I know who that is! That's Tarzan because he is wearing a g-string!"
A man was praying in a church to a large crucifix. He prayed, "Dear Lord, please help me to win he lottery tomorrow. If I win it, I'll give half of the money to you and donate it to charity."
The next day, he didn't win the lottery and he came into the church very angrily. He stormed thriugh the church door, only to see that the large crucifix was covered with scaffolding (under maintenance). So, the parish priest put a small crucifix on the altar. The man ran all over the church shouting, "Come out wherever you are!!! Stop hidihg from me!!!"
He found the small crucifix on the altar, so he ran up and yelled at it, "Hey!! Where's your dad?"
A man went to see his parish priest for confession.
The man said, "Father, I am very sorry that I stole a dozen pairs of shoes. Can you please forgive me?"
The priest replied, "You have been forgiven. For your penance, say one 'Our Father', one 'Hail Mary' and one 'Glory Be".
"Thanks, Father" the man said.
As he was about to walk out of the priest's office, the priest stopped him and said, "By the way, do you have size no. 6?"
A young boy was interested on becoming a priest when he grows up. He went to see his parish priest for an interview at his office, to see if he's ready. The priest asked a series of questions:
Priest: "Do you know who Joseph is?"
Boy: "Yes, that is the father of Jesus."
Priest: "Do you know who Mary is?"
Boy: "Yes, that is the mother of Jesus."
Priest: "Now, do you know who Jesus is?"
Boy: "No, Father. I don't know who Jesus is."
The priest took a crucifix from his wall, showed it to the boy, and asked him, "Do you know who this is?"
The boy replied, "Yes! Yes! I know who that is! That's Tarzan because he is wearing a g-string!"
A man was praying in a church to a large crucifix. He prayed, "Dear Lord, please help me to win he lottery tomorrow. If I win it, I'll give half of the money to you and donate it to charity."
The next day, he didn't win the lottery and he came into the church very angrily. He stormed thriugh the church door, only to see that the large crucifix was covered with scaffolding (under maintenance). So, the parish priest put a small crucifix on the altar. The man ran all over the church shouting, "Come out wherever you are!!! Stop hidihg from me!!!"
He found the small crucifix on the altar, so he ran up and yelled at it, "Hey!! Where's your dad?"
A man went to see his parish priest for confession.
The man said, "Father, I am very sorry that I stole a dozen pairs of shoes. Can you please forgive me?"
The priest replied, "You have been forgiven. For your penance, say one 'Our Father', one 'Hail Mary' and one 'Glory Be".
"Thanks, Father" the man said.
As he was about to walk out of the priest's office, the priest stopped him and said, "By the way, do you have size no. 6?"
Monday, June 23, 2008
Who do I like to operate on?
During their break from work, four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.
The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.
The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers."
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.
The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their butt and head are interchangeable".
Friday, June 20, 2008
Lawyer Jokes Part 1
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?A good start!
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
1.Take your foot off his head.
2.No Good!
What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery
What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Why to lawyers wear neckties?
To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman pinscher.
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.
What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement ?
Wine cellar.
Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are "avocat" in French)
Both have hearts like stones.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a poisonous snake?
You can make a pet out of the snake.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A tick drops off you when you die.
What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?
A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
Not enough cement.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
Another lawyer.
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it, and one to kick the stool out from under him.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture eventually lets go.
What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer Miles.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.
Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
Because deep down, they're really good people.
What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
His personality.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.
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