Lawyer Jokes Part 1

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
1.Take your foot off his head.
2.No Good!

What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Why to lawyers wear neckties?
To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman pinscher.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.

What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement ?
Wine cellar.

Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are "avocat" in French)
Both have hearts like stones.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a poisonous snake?
You can make a pet out of the snake.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A tick drops off you when you die.

What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?
A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
Not enough cement.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
Another lawyer.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it, and one to kick the stool out from under him.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture eventually lets go.

What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer Miles.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.

Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
Because deep down, they're really good people.

What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
His personality.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.