Lawyer Jokes Part 2

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assis- tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub- scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."

A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?" "3 dollars an ounce." "How much for [other generic profession] brain?" "4 dollars an ounce." "How much for lawyer brain?" "100 dollars an ounce." "Why is lawyer brain so much more?" "Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. This pasttime was immensely enjoyable to the truck driver.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitch hiking, so he thought he would do a good turn by offering the priest a lift. So he pulled the truck over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!" replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." With that, the happy priest climbed into the passenger seat, and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road, and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors, and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses." Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: "Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country."

Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work.
"I don't understand," Cindy complained. "When people find out I'm a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?"
Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, "Maybe it just saves time."

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.
"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

As a lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

"Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first."
You have just witnessed a lawyer speaking to a judge.

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true.
"I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

The judicial process is like a cow.
The public is impaled on its horns, the government has it by the tail, and all the while the lawyers are milking it.

The reason law schools have been described as "a place for the accumulation of learning" is that first-year students bring some in, third-year students take none out--and so knowledge accumulates.

Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970.
Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.

Lawyer Jokes Part 3

Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced.
"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I new that he was guilty as sin."
"Sit down," said the judge. "That is the prosecuting attorney."

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered "no."
The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question 'yes', was "why?".
Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it "Never got caught."

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Person 1: I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.
Person 2: Why do you say that?
Person 1: Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00'.

Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly.
"Well," said the general, "we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge--and boy, did they know how to charge."

A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, "you're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit."
The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said "you're slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a lawyer."

A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who decided in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."

God decided to take Satan to court and settle their differences once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think YOU'RE going to find a lawyer?"

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another,"Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful; second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them; and third, there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."

When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

In a cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow - one person was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.
Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ---- It would be a good idea to just leave them there.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. ...Benjamin Franklin.

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.
"Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

Mick The Joker's Animal Jokes Part 1

What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pit bull.

Why is a tree like a dog?
Because they both lose their bark when they die.

Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund?
Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie.

What is the difference between a rottweiler and a social worker?
It is easier to get your kids back from a rotweiler!

Did you hear about the new breed in pet shops?
They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for help.

How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
Your nose is touching the ceiling.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Elephino.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Holes all over Australia.

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

Why did the elephant cross the road?
Chicken's day off.

Why do elephants have trunks?
Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

Why do elephants drink so much?
To try to forget.

How can you tell if an elephant is getting ready to charge?
He pull out his Diners' Club card.

What do you get when two giraffes collide?
A giraffic jam.

Why did the lion spit out the clown?
Because he tasted funny.

Why dd the skeleton run up the tree?
Because a dog was after its bones.

Mick The Joker's Animal Jokes Part 2

Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they don't know the words.

Where does a blackbird go for a drink?
To a crow bar.

Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?
He was going to make a long-distance caw.

What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
Look at the orange mama laid.

Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?
No, you should eat your fingers separately.

Why do hens lay eggs?
If they dropped them, they'd break.

Why do seagulls live near the sea?
Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.

Diner: Do you serve chicken here?
Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.

Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager.
Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.

Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside.

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A walkie-talkie, of course.

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?
Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable.

Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
To the retail store.

What kind of dog tells time?
A watch dog.

What animals can jump higher than the Sydney Harbour Bridge?
All the animals can, because the Sydney Harbour Bridge can't jump.

What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Quackula.

CHICKEN JOKES

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the armadillo that it was possible.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from Colonel Sanders!

Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
Because it was a double-crosser.

Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
To take over the other side.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

Why did the chicken cross the beach?
To get to the other tide.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Chickens hadn't evolved yet.

Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station!

Why did the chicken scientist cross the road?
To invent the other side.

Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?
To corrupt the other side.

Why did the chicken IRS representative cross the road?
To bankrupt the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?
To get to the car accident on the other side.

Why did chicken Dr. Kevorkian cross the road?
To help the patient find the other side.

Why did chicken Jim Morrison cross the road?
To break on through to the other side.

Why do birds fly South?
Because it's too far to walk.

Blind Jokes

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the heck out of the dog.

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in."
The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?

Heaven 'N' Hell Jokes

Bill Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton".
"What bad things did you do on earth?"
Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?'
'Yes,' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.'
'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter.'
'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor answered.
'Im am not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"
The man says, "Methodist."
St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"
"Baptist."
"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
A third man arrives at the gates.
"Religion?"
"Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"
St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered. "That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name the people who died in the Titanic."


A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."


Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

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Priest and pilot in heaven joke

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven " The guy replies : "I'm Jack, retired Continental Airlines Pilot from Houston". Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom. "Just a minute," says the good father. "That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?" "Up here - we go by results," says Saint Peter, "When you preached - people slept; when he flew - - people prayed."

George Bush visits a Primary School

President George Bush is visiting a primary school today and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related towordsand their meanings.
The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy."
So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a"tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy."
"You beauty," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

Work And School Jokes

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained. "Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily."Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post."Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could scare him so much.
The driver, after gathering himself together replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!"

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your machine gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?"The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence."
The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do likethe way you think!" The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?" The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone." To which the little boy replies, "Actually, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"

A ten year-old Jewish boy was failing maths. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card.
The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table, and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?""No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I KNEW they meant business!"

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes."Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can handle," he said.Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and tookout the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the board, the press, and Wall Street responded positively, sales picked up, stockprices rose and the problem was soon behind him.About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip insales, combined with serious problems getting new product to market. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO wasted no time inopening the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and again the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The simple message said, "Prepare three envelopes..."

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms."Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded..."Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

Jokes About TV, Movies And Pop Culture

Which noisy pig is a great movie director?
Steven Squealberg!

Which movie star can be found in a bakery?
Bread Pitt!

What's hard-boiled and can bench-press 300 pounds?
Arnold Schwarzen-egg-er!

Which bee is also a famous pop singer?
Robbee Williams!

Which instrument does Bugs Bunny play?
The haremonica!

If Batman and Robin get run over by a bus, what would you get?
Batman becomes "Flatman" and Robin becomes "Ribbon"!


What is Ronald McDonald's favourite dance?
"The Big Macarena"!

What's blue and used to ride waves?
A Smurfboard!

Which muppet is green and made out of wood?

Kermit the log!

A bee has 2 favourite TV shows. What are they?

"The Bold and the Bee-utiful" and "Days Of Our Hives"!

What is a pig's favourite TV show?
"Squeal of Fortune!"

Where does Bugs Bunny have a haircut?
At a haredresser!

George W. Bush Meets Moses

While waiting for his flight to Sydney to attend the APEC Summit, US President George W Bush was waiting at an airport lounge, when he noticed an old man, with shaggy white hair and beard, wearing worn and faded robes and sandals, holding a walking staff in one hand, and a set of stone tablets tucked under his other arm.
He walked over to the old man, and asked, "Sir, are you by chance, Moses?" The old man tilted his head upward and seemed to be intently studying the ceiling tiles, and ignoring George.
George tried again, "Sir!" he said more emphatically, trying to get the old man's attention. "Sir! aren't you Moses? You really do look like Moses!" Still the old man ignored him, continued to study the ceiling tiles, saying nothing.
George got up on his tip toe, grabbed the old man by the arm and yelled, "SIR!!! Aren't you Moses?? SIR! Why aren't you answering me?"
The old man finally spoke, "Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a Bush, I was banished to the desert for 40 years!"

Religious Jokes Part I

A man went to see his parish priest for confession.
The man said, "Father, I am very sorry that I stole a dozen pairs of shoes. Can you please forgive me?"
The priest replied, "You have been forgiven. For your penance, say one 'Our Father', one 'Hail Mary' and one 'Glory Be"."Thanks, Father" the man said.
As he was about to walk out of the priest's office, the priest stopped him and said, "By the way, do you have size no. 6?"

Three nuns decided to quit, so they went to see a priest and said, "Father, we don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The priest told them, "Do something that is unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"
The next day they went to the priest one at a time. The priest said to the first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I drove at 120km/h in a 60km/h zone and the cops caught me." The priest said, "Well, that's sinning, go drink some holy water." When the nun drank the holy water she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.
The second nun walked in and the priest asked, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The priest said, "I guess that will do. Go drink holy water." The nun left after drinking the holy water.
The third nun walked in and the priest asked, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"

Four Catholic women were having tea.
1st woman: “My son is a priest and when he walks into a room, people say “Hi Father”.
2nd woman: “My son is an Archbishop and when he walks into a room, people say “Hi Your Grace”.
3rd woman: “My son is a Cardinal and when he walks into a room, they say “Hi Your Eminence”.
4th woman: “I have got all of you to beat. My son is 6-foot tall, dark and handsome and when he walks into a room , people say 'Oh my God!'”

A woman went to see her parish priest.
"Father, I have two female parrots, and the only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" asks the priest.The woman says, "All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots, Peter and Paul whom I taught to pray, read the Bible and most of the time, they sit at the bottom of their cage, cross their wings and pray. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you very much, Father." the woman says.
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. When she arrived, she saw the priest's two male parrots quietly praying the rosary at the bottom of their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"The two male parrots instantly stopped praying, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot, both parrots toss their rosary beads in the air and and exclaim together, "OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!"

During a Papal audience in the Vatican, a salesman from KFC meets the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he says, "Your Holiness, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread,' to 'give us this day our daily chicken,' KFC will donate $10 million dollars to the Church." The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
"Well," says the KFC man, "We are prepared to donate $50 million to the Church if you change the line from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken' for us." Again the Pope replies, "Impossible."
Finally, the KFC man says, "This is our last offer. We will donate $100 million to the church if you change the line in the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'" and finally the Pope accepted.
After receiving the cheque of $100,000,000 from the KFC man, the Pope calls together all the Cardinals, Bishops, Priests and Deacons of the Vatican for a big meeting the next day and he says, "All right, boys! I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Church."
The Cardinals, Bishops, Priests and Deacons rejoice at the news (cheers, applause, BRAVO! BRAVO!). Then one of the Bishops put up his hand and asks, "Excuse me, Your Holiness, what is the bad news?"
The celebrations stop and the Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

St. Peter has to run an errand. He has been standing guard at the Pearly Gates for 500 years and he really has to go. He asks Jesus, "Hey, look, can you do me a favor? Take over here for a few minutes while I run a quick errand."Jesus says, "But I've never done this before.""It's nothing," says St. Peter. "Here's a pad and a pencil. When people come up, you ask them their name, where they lived, get their occupation and ask them any pertinent questions. If they sound good, let them in. That's all there is to it. I've gotta go." And he runs off.
A few minutes later an old man comes up and Jesus asks him, "What's your name?"The old man says, "In English I think you would say my name is Joseph."
"And what," says Jesus, "was your occupation?""I was a carpenter," says Joseph.
"Okay," says Jesus, writing all this down. He looks carefully at the man, then asks, "Did you have any children?" "Yes," says the man. "I had a son."
Jesus looks at these three answers. Then looks back at the man. He then asks, "Was there anything unusual about your son?""Yes," says the old man. "My son did not come into this world in the usual way. He also had nail holes in his hands and his feet ... "At which point Jesus walks toward the man and says, "Dad?"The old man looks up at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"

It was christmas time and Little Johnny wanted a new bike for christmas. He asked his parents if he could have one and his mum said, "Johnny, bikes are too expensive and we can't afford to buy you one. Why don't you write a letter to Santa and maybe he might give you one." He went to his room and wrote a letter, but he decided to go one step higher.
Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your friend, Johnny
He tore up the letter and took a new piece of paper.
Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. Yours truly, Johnny
Well, Johnny tore it up and tried again.
Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle? Johnny
Then, Johnny tore up the letter for a third time as he had enough of writing. He went for a walk outside and walked as far as he can. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. He entered the church and kneeled down, not knowing what to do. He got up and looked around, and saw the nativity scene at the front of the church. He walked toward the altar where the scene was located and all of a sudden, he snatched the figure of the Virgin Mary and ran out the church door. When Johnny got home, he went to the kitchen where he wrapped the statue in newspapers, dumped it in a shoe box, chucked the box in the furthest corner his wardrobe, locked it and wrote this letter:
Jesus, I've got your mother. If you ever want to see her again, send me a bike. Signed, You know who

Religious Jokes Part II

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.
The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the priest decides to make an example of him.
He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."
The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the priest says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"
The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing. Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"

A Nun was taking a shower one day and she heard the door bell ring, she yelled "Who is it?"
And the person ringing the door bell yelled, "I'm the blind man."
So the Nun got out of the shower and wrapped her hair in a towel, she didn't bother putting a towel around herself because the person behind the door was blind.
She opened the door and said, "What do you want?", and the man said, "I'm here to check your blinds."

A Catholic priest was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

An old priest was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the priest would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the priest had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, "Father, why did you ask us to come?"
The old priest mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple.
One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job.
He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn't want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint.
It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.
That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away.
The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, "What shall I do?"
A voice came back from the heavens saying, "Repaint, and thin no more!"

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.
The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?" The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."
Not paying much attetion, the man says, "Sure, ok."
So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"
Finally he remembers, "Amen!!" The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God."

"What Is Your Name?" joke

Walking through Chinatown, an English tourist was fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turned a corner and saw a building with the sign, "Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry."
"Hans Schmidt?" he wondered. "How does that name fit in Chinatown?"
So he walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking Chinese laundry. He could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the name as there were baseball hats, T-Shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo, "Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry." There was also a fair selection of Chinatown souvenirs, indicating that the name alone had brought many tourists into the shop. The Englishman selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office in London. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.
The tourist asked, "Can you tell me how this place got a name like 'Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry'?"
The old man answered, "Ahh... Everybody ask me that question. Is name of owner."
Looking around, the tourist asked, "Who and where is the owner now?"
"He is right here," replied the old man. "I am Hans Schmidt."
"Really? How did you ever get a name like Hans Schmidt, being a Chinese man?"
"Is simple," said the old man. "Many, many year ago when I came to this country from China, I was queueing up at the immigration center, where I was standing behind a German. The lady at the counter looked at the German and said, ‘What is your name?' He said, Hans Schmidt. When it was my turn, she looked at me and said, 'What is your name?' I said, 'Sem Ting.'"

Pavarotti Goes To Heaven

When the late opera star Luciano Pavarotti went to heaven, St. Peter was so happy to see hom when he arrived at the pearly gates.
"Hello, Luciano! I'm so pleased to see you! Please come in! Squeeze through!" said St Peter.
But Pavarotti replied, "St. Peter, before I go in, here is a letter from the Pope for you." Please read it."
He gave St. Peter the envelope, he opened it, and it read:

Dear St. Peter,
I hope everything is going well up there in Heaven and here is that tenor I owe you.
Yours sincerely, Pope Benedict XVI

Good Old Apple Joke

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, "take only one, God is watching." Moving through the line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Little Johnny wrote a note, "take all you want, God is watching the apples."

Bird Jokes

What birds spend all their time on their knees?
Birds of prey.

What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird.

Where do birds meet for coffee?
In a nest-cafe.

What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?
Fowl play.

What language do birds speak?
Pigeon English.

What do you give a sick bird?
Tweetment.

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?
A bird that will talk you ear off.

What happened when the owl lost his voice?
He didn't give a hoot.

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A great walkie-talkie.

Queen Jokes

Which member of Queen can be found in space?

Lead singer Freddie Mercury!

What is a ghost's favourite Queen song?
Boo-hemian Rhapsody! (Bohemian Rhapsody)

What is a pig's favourite Queen song?

We Are The Hampions! (We Are The Champions)

What is a sheep's favourite Queen song?

Radio Baa Baa! (Radio Ga Ga)

Which Queen song is about stormy weather?

Thunder Pressure! (Under Pressure)

Which Queen songs are best for a prisoner before he goes to jail?

I Want To Break Free and We Will Lock You! (We Will Rock You)