Basketball Jokes

Earl and Bob, both obsessed with basketball, never missed their favorite team’s games. They promised, whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was basketball in heaven.
One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally, Earl did. He said to Bob. "I have good news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news first. There is basketball in heaven." Bob said, "That’s the best news ever!"
Then Earl said, "Time for the bad news...You're starting at guard tomorrow night."

Q: What do you do when you see an elephant with a basketball?
A: Get out of the way.

Q: Why was Cinderella such a bad player?
A: Her coach was a pumpkin.

Q: Why are basketball players such messy eaters?
A: They're always dribbling.

Q: Why did the coach let the elephant play basketball?
A: He had already broken the bench.

Q: Why did the basketball visit the bank?
A: Because his checks were bouncing.

Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a basketball?
A: One is round and charges through nets and the other is a basketball.

Q: Why can't you play sports in the jungle?
A: Because of the cheetahs

Q: What's the difference between a dog and a basketball player?
A: One drools, one dribbles

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about basketball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the refs."

There was a Perth Wildcats fan with a really crappy seat at Challenge Stadium. Looking around, he spotted an empty seat at half-court. Thinking to himself "what a waste", he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Wildcats fan." The other man replied, "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

A true Bobby Knight story recalled as best as can be remembered from the "Morning Briefing" section of the L.A. Times: In the 1980 Olympics, the U.S. basketball team, coached by Knight, played and beat the Chinese team handily. When asked about the win, Bobby said, "It was a lot of fun playing the Chinese, but an hour later, we wanted to play them again."

At the basketball game, why did the blonde say, "I stopped aging!"?
Because the clock stopped.

There were 3 basketball players, one each from IU, Notre Dame, and Purdue, standing on a burning roof in Indianapolis. The fire department came with a blanket and yelled to the Notre Dame player to jump. He jumped and they moved it to the right. He hit the sidewalk with a splat.
They then called to the IU player to jump. He said that he wouldn't jump. They said they liked IU better than Notre Dame. So he jumped and the fire department moved the blanket to the left.
The IU player hit with a splat on the sidewalk. Then they called to the Purdue player to jump. He said that he wouldn't jump.
The fire department said they hated IU and Notre Dame. He yelled back and said, "Lay the blanket down, and then I'll jump!"

Steve Mariucci was back visiting the new basketball coach at UC Cal. They started a conversation and began arguing over who was dumber, a football player or a basketball player.
Mariucci said, "I hate to say this, but football players are dumber than basketball players. Watch and I'll show you". He then called in Brent Jones and asked him to come into the office. Number 84 came in and Mariucci says to him, "Here's 25 cents, go down the street to the car dealer and buy me a new Jimmy".
Brent Jones takes the quarter and leaves. A few minutes later, he comes back in and says, "Hey Coach, I forgot to ask, what color did you want?" Mariucci tells him to forget it, he's changed his mind.
After the player leaves, the new 49'er coach says to the basketball coach, "I'm telling you, my guys are dumb!"
The basketball coach says "Not so fast, let me show you one of my basketball players" and promptly calls one in to the office. The coach says to the player "Could you run down to my office for me and see if I'm there?"
The player starts to leave, but as he gets to the door, he stops short, turns around and says "Hey! There's a phone right there on the desk ... Can't you just call down there?" They hired him right on the spot to be Mariucci's new assistant.

Not Basketball, we know, but funny just the same:
Nike has a television commercial for hiking shoes that was shot in Kenya using Samburu tribesmen. The camera closes in on the one tribesman who speaks, in native Maa. As he speaks, the Nike slogan "Just Do It" appears in the screen. Lee Cronk, an anthropologist at the University of Cincinnati, says the Kenyan is really saying, "I don't want these. Give me big shoes." Say's Nike's Elizabeth Dolan, "We thought nobody in America would know what he said." -from an article in Forbes Magazine

"The Tall People of the World" is an organization for large people, and members are only accepted after proving they are at least 1.95 meters tall.
The organization holds annual meetings, and during the 1995 meeting, had some very short people who came to meet with the tall guys.
Upon seeing one of the giants, one of the dwarves came to him and said, "You are so tall! Do you play basketball?"
"No." said the giant. "Do you play Miniature Golf?"

Former Utah Jazz president, Frank Layden, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

Shelby Metcalf, former basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Three coaches flew to the NCAA convention. The plane crashed; and all 3 died.
All 3 noticed God up in the clouds sitting in a chair. God motioned for one of them to come into the clouds. God wanted to know three things:
Who are you? What did you do? What did people think of you?
The 1st person said, "I'm Denny Crum, I was 2nd best coach in the nation. I won 2 national championships & over 20 games a year. The people of Kentucky think I'm great."
God said, "Fine, Denny, stand on my right side.
The next person said, "I'm Rick Pitino. I was the 3rd best coach in the nation. I won an SEC Championship and turned the program around to a fairly respectable one. The people of Kentucky think I'm great."
God said, "Fine, Rick, stand on my left side."
The 3rd person stood before God and said, "I'm Bobby Knight & I have won 3 national championships, 2 NIT championships, the Pan Am Games, the Olympics, 9 Big Ten championships, and I was the youngest coach ever to win 600 games, and the people of Indiana think you are sitting in my chair."

Before winning with the Lakers - Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

At mid-point during a game, the coach calls one of his 7-year-old basketball players aside to talk with him.
The coach asks, "Do you understand what cooperation is, and what a team is?" The little boy replies, "Yes."
"Do you also understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nods his head.
"So," the coach continues, "I'm sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nods his head yes.
"And when I call you off the court so that another teammate gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a jackass, now is it?" The little boy answered, "No, sir."
"Good," said the coach, "Now please go over and explain all of that to your mother."

Q: If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an astronaut get?
A: Missle toe!