Two Lawyers and a Bear

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear.

The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers, and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

Football Match > Funeral

Fred, a Collingwood fan, had front row seats at the MCG for the AFL Grand Final against Hawthorn. As Fred sat down, a man in a Hawks jumper came and asked him if anyone was going to occupy the seat next to him. 

       

"No," said Fred, "sit right down. The seat will be empty." 

       

"That's incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would reserve a seat like this for the AFL Grand Final and then not use it?" 

       

Fred said, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Pies game we haven't been to together since we got married nearly 50 years ago." 

       

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor - to take her seat?" 

       

Fred shook his head sadly. "No. They're all at the funeral."

The Pope and Trump

During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Trump. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Trump emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Trump declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.

      

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly, he announced his meeting with the President was a failure. Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Trump just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed".

      

Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."

Proposal at a Footy Match

A university student took his new girlfriend to an AFL game. They found seats in the packed MCG and were watching the action. A player took a screamer above an opponent, and the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year." 
       
His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a boy to propose to a girl. But, regardless of how you said it, I accept!"

3 Parachutes

A Nobel prize winner, an old Catholic priest and a boy scout was flying across the Atlantic when the pilot came bursting through the door and anounced: "We've lost both engines, and there are only three parachutes on the plane. I only received my pilot's licence last month and I still have to serve a lot of people; I simply have to live." With that he grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The Nobel prize winner said: "Just last week I received the prize for being the smartest man on earth. I have a lot of work to do for mankind, sorry, I also have to live." He grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest turned to the boy and said; "Son, I have lived a long life; I have put my faith in what Jesus has done for me and I know for certain that when I die I will go to heaven. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. You take the last parachute and jump."

"Not to worry Father," the boy replied, "there's still two chutes left; the smartest man in the world just jumped with my backpack."

Native Indian Weatherman

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."
       

The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.
      
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
      
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."

What Just Happened?

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control. 
       
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!" 
       
They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!" 
       
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"

Welcome to America

A foreign visitor was being given a tour of Washington, D.C. one day by an American friend of hers. She was amazed at the size of the Monuments, the Congressional Buildings, and so forth. Finally she gazed upon the White House itself. 
       
"My, that's an incredibly large building!" she remarked. 
       
"Yes, it's pretty big, alright." said her friend. 
       
"Big? It's huge!! About how many people work in there?" she asked. 
       
"Oh... about half."

Busload of Politicians

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians. 
       
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. 
       
The old farmer said he had buried them. 
       
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?" 
       
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

Twin Beds

An older couple was asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed. The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.

Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years."

"Could you possibly put them close together?" the wife asked.

Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic."

Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I want him close enough to be able to punch him."

Poker Dog

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker. The guy is amazed that the dog is playing poker.

"Bartender, is that a real dog playing poker?" the guy asks.

"Yep, real as can be." the bartender replies.

"Well is he any good?" the guy asks.

"Na, every time he has a good hand he wags his tail."

Kansas Tornado

A Kansas tornado hit a farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds, on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county.

Suddenly the wife began to cry. "Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said. "We're not hurt."

Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she responded between sobs. "I'm happy 'cause this is the first time in 14 years we've been out together."

Garden Of Eden

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking nude in the Garden of Eden. 
       
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." 


"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." 


"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are definitely Russian."

America's Smartest President

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said, "I am Lionel Messi, the best footballer in the world. My millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my schoolbag."

Clergy and the Barber

A Rabbi went to the barber shop. After his hair cut, he got ready to pay the barber and the barber said, "No Rabbi, I don't charge the clergy for haircuts." So the next morning the barber found a loaf of Jewish rye bread outside of his door step. 
       
A couple of days past and a Catholic priest came in to get his hair cut. He got ready to pay and the barber said, "No Father, I don't charge the clergy for hair cuts." So the next morning he found a bottle of wine outside his front door step. 
       
A couple of days later the Baptist preacher came in to get his hair cut and when he got ready to pay the barber said, "No Reverend, I don't charge the clergy for their hair cuts." So the next morning, the barber found 15 Baptist preachers on his doorstep, ready to get their hair cut!

How Do I Get To Heaven?

A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
Now she was smiling. Hey, they're getting it, she thought! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" she asked.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"
She was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

Three Boys

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calles it a poem, and they give him $25."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $200."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight men to collect all the money!"

Patients at the Footy

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to the AFL Grand Final. 
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well. 
As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. 
After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats. 
After a goal was kicked, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts."
They all broke out into applause and cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call against one of the star players, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a meat pie, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he turned, there was a brawl in progress.
Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"
The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, 'peanuts'".

Two Boys and Stolen Oranges

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbour & decided to go to a calm place to share the lot equally.
One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping the big gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.
Few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying: "One For Me, One For U, One For Me, One For U".....
He immediately sobered up & ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest.......................
"Father, pls come with me . Come & witness God & satan sharing corpse at the cemetery"......
They both ran back to the cemetery gate & the voice continued: "One For Me, One For U, One For Me, One For U'............
Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said:
"What About The Two At The Gate?"...........
Come see marathon race!.........
The priest almost ran pass the church gate..shouting: "We Are Not Dead Yet oohh!!!".

Flying First Class

On a flight from Johannesburg to London, a middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.

"What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant.

"Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"

"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do - I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class."

The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).

A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin:

"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class."

Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues...

"It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person."

Having said that, the stewardess turned to the black man sitting next to the lady, and said:

"So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."

At which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the black man walked up to the front of the plane...