A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones' chests, would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts.
Their eyes would always light up with awe. But she never got a response to equal four-year-old David's. She placed the disk over his heart. "Listen," she said, "what do you suppose that is?"
He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up, as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap-tap-tapping deep in his chest.
Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin. "Is that Jesus knocking?" he asked.
"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." (Revelation 3:20)
Friday, April 01, 2016
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Three Wishes
Three men -- an editor, a photographer, and a journalist -- are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumble upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp, a genie appears and says, "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The photographer goes first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie grants him his wish and sends him on off to St. Thomas.
The journalist goes next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie grants him his wish and sends him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it's the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asks the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch," replies the editor. "The deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours."
The photographer goes first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie grants him his wish and sends him on off to St. Thomas.
The journalist goes next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie grants him his wish and sends him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it's the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asks the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch," replies the editor. "The deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours."
Thursday, March 17, 2016
A Drunk Irishman
An old Irishman had been drinking at the pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
The next morning, his wife asked him, "Were you out drinking last night?"
"How did you know?" he asks, putting on an innocent look. His wife replied, "The bartender just called to tell me that you left your wheelchair at the pub again!!!"
Monday, February 29, 2016
A Chinese Man and Steven Spielberg
A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a smack and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here!"
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your PearlHarbour, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese man gives Spielberg a smack and said, "You sank the Titanic, my ancestors were on that ship!"
Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replied, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Golf Shot
It was a sunny Saturday morning and Joe was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker: "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"
Joe was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement: "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!"
Joe had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"
Joe was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement: "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!"
Joe had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Valentines Day Jokes
Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?A: Forget-me-nuts.
Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we'll go places!
Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: I'm stuck on you.
Q: Who sends a thousand valentines cards signed', guess who' ?
A: A divorce lawyer.
Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.
Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A: No, but they had an apple.
Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?
Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?
A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.
Knock, Knock,
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sherwood
Sherwood who?
Sherwood like to be your Valentine!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pooch
Pooch who?
Pooch your arms around me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Atlas
Atlas who?
Atlas, it's Valentine’s Day!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Emma
Emma who?
Emma hoping I get lots of cards on Valentine’s Day!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Luke
Luke who?
Luke who got a Valentine!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frank you for being my friend!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jimmy
Jimmy who?
Jimmy a little kiss!
Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn't get a date.
Q: What is a ram's favourite song on February 14th?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear
Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner?
A: A stamp.
Q: What happens when you fall in love with a French chef?
A: You get buttered up.
Q: What is a vampire's sweetheart called?
A: His ghoul-friend.
Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
A: Antelope.
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Friday, February 12, 2016
A Good Joke For Lent
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood.
On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.
Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn’t take it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism.
They went over and talked to him. John decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic, which made them all very happy.
They took him to church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, “You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic.”
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year’s Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and, just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their cold tuna fish dinner, the smell of steak cooking on a grill came wafting into their homes. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?
They called each other up and decided to meet over in John’s yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, “You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish.”
On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.
Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn’t take it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism.
They went over and talked to him. John decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic, which made them all very happy.
They took him to church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, “You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic.”
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year’s Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and, just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their cold tuna fish dinner, the smell of steak cooking on a grill came wafting into their homes. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?
They called each other up and decided to meet over in John’s yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, “You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish.”
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Dog's Higher Education
A dog is so smart that his master decides to send him to college.
Home for vacation, his master asks him how college is going.
"Well," says the dog, "I'm not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages."
"Really!" says the master. "Say something in a foreign language."
The dog says, "Meow!"
Home for vacation, his master asks him how college is going.
"Well," says the dog, "I'm not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages."
"Really!" says the master. "Say something in a foreign language."
The dog says, "Meow!"
Monday, February 08, 2016
Year Of The Monkey Jokes
Q: Where should a monkey go when he loses his tail?
A: To a retailer!
A: To a retailer!
Q: What did the banana do when it saw a monkey?
A: The banana split!
Q: What kind of a key opens a banana?
A: A monkey!
Q: Why did the monkey like the banana?
A: Because it had appeal!
Q: What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Q: What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you!
Q: Why don't monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Q: Why don't monkeys play cards in the jungle?
A: There are too many cheetahs there!
Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
A: A Chimp off the old block. A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a monkey walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the monkey's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the monkey. "Your name is written inside the cover."
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a monkey in the front seat.
"What are you doing with that monkey?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the monkey again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.
"I thought you were going to take that monkey to the zoo!"
The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"
A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her "How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"
The teacher said "I don't know, how?"
Jacob then said "You open the door and put it in there!"
Then Jacob asked the teacher another question "How do you put a monkey in the fridge?"
The teacher then replied "Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"
Jacob said "No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."
Then he asked another question..."All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"
The teacher a bit confused and said "The lion?"
Then the student said "No,the monkey because he's still in the fridge."
Then he asked her just one more question...."If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you"
The teacher then says "You would walk over the bridge."
Then Jacob says "No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!"
She laughs and walks away.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a monkey walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the monkey's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the monkey. "Your name is written inside the cover."
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a monkey in the front seat.
"What are you doing with that monkey?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the monkey again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.
"I thought you were going to take that monkey to the zoo!"
The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"
A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her "How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"
The teacher said "I don't know, how?"
Jacob then said "You open the door and put it in there!"
Then Jacob asked the teacher another question "How do you put a monkey in the fridge?"
The teacher then replied "Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"
Jacob said "No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."
Then he asked another question..."All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"
The teacher a bit confused and said "The lion?"
Then the student said "No,the monkey because he's still in the fridge."
Then he asked her just one more question...."If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you"
The teacher then says "You would walk over the bridge."
Then Jacob says "No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!"
She laughs and walks away.
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Texan In London
A Texan is visiting London and his taxi driver is taking him on a tour of the City's historical landmarks.
As they went past the Tower of London the cabbie explained what the building was and provided a brief history. Upon hearing that its construction started in 1346 and was completed in 1412, the Texan stated, "Really? A little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament, and the cabbie again gave a brief history, omitting the construction dates this time. However, being eager to brag, the Texan questioned its construction too. The cabbie replied that it was built in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well, boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a month!"
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent.
"Well? What's that over there?" asked the Texan.
The annoyed cabbie scratches his head and replied "I haven't the foggiest idea, Sir. It wasn't there yesterday!"
As they went past the Tower of London the cabbie explained what the building was and provided a brief history. Upon hearing that its construction started in 1346 and was completed in 1412, the Texan stated, "Really? A little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament, and the cabbie again gave a brief history, omitting the construction dates this time. However, being eager to brag, the Texan questioned its construction too. The cabbie replied that it was built in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well, boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a month!"
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent.
"Well? What's that over there?" asked the Texan.
The annoyed cabbie scratches his head and replied "I haven't the foggiest idea, Sir. It wasn't there yesterday!"
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Unsuccessful Operation
A politician awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed," he said. "Is it night?"
A nurse replied, "No, it is just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."
A nurse replied, "No, it is just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."
Monday, January 18, 2016
Football Match > Funeral
A Liverpool fan arrives at Anfield and makes his way to his seat at the Kop. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. He responds, "No, the seat's empty."
"The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this in the famous Kop and not use it?"
The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first Liverpool game we haven't been together."
The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?"
The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."
"The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this in the famous Kop and not use it?"
The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first Liverpool game we haven't been together."
The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?"
The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Drowning Preacher
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me."
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me."
Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me."
Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"
Monday, January 11, 2016
What Position To Pray?
Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.
"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer.
"Gentlemen," he interrupted, "the best praying I ever did was hanging upside down from a telephone pole."
"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.
"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer.
"Gentlemen," he interrupted, "the best praying I ever did was hanging upside down from a telephone pole."
Saturday, January 09, 2016
Listen Carefully
Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"
Patrick Henry then approached and punched bin Laden in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a walking stick.
The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe, and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
Suddenly, as bin Laden lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared. "This is not what you promised me," said bin Laden.
"Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven."
Patrick Henry then approached and punched bin Laden in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a walking stick.
The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe, and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
Suddenly, as bin Laden lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared. "This is not what you promised me," said bin Laden.
"Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven."
Thursday, January 07, 2016
Best Fish And Chips
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery. She's just in time for dinner and is treated to the best fish and chips ever. After dinner, she goes to the kitchen to thank the chefs.
She is met by Brother Michael and Brother Charles. She thanks them and asks who cooked what.
Says Brother Charles: "I'm the fish friar."
She says to Brother Michael, "Then you must be..."
He replies, "Yes, I'm the chip monk."
She is met by Brother Michael and Brother Charles. She thanks them and asks who cooked what.
Says Brother Charles: "I'm the fish friar."
She says to Brother Michael, "Then you must be..."
He replies, "Yes, I'm the chip monk."
Friday, January 01, 2016
A Generous Arab With Jewish Blood
An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises. Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the calls went out to a number of countries.
Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank-You Card for giving his blood along with an Expensive Diamond and a New Rolls-Royce car as a token of his appreciation. The Jew was very happy. Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again. His doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank-You Card and a box of Dates (Qurma) Candies.
The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not acknowledge the Jew's find gesture in the same way as he had done the first time. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner. The Arab replied: "Ya habibi !!! I have Jewish blood now, remember..?!? "
Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank-You Card for giving his blood along with an Expensive Diamond and a New Rolls-Royce car as a token of his appreciation. The Jew was very happy. Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again. His doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank-You Card and a box of Dates (Qurma) Candies.
The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not acknowledge the Jew's find gesture in the same way as he had done the first time. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner. The Arab replied: "Ya habibi !!! I have Jewish blood now, remember..?!? "
Monday, December 14, 2015
Star Wars Jokes
Q: Why does Princess Leia keep her hair tied up in buns?A: So it doesn't Hang Solow!
Q: What do you call 5 siths piled on top of a lightsaber?
A: A Sith-Kabob!
Q: Why shouldn't you ask Yoda for money?
A: Because he's always a little short
Q: What program do Jedi use to view PDF files?
A: Adobe Wan Kenobi
Q: What do you call a Mexican jedi?
A: Obi-Juan Kenobi
Q: What do you call the website Chewbacca started that gives out Empire secrets?
A: Wookieeleaks
Q: What do you call a Jedi in denial?
A: Obi-Wan Cannot Be
Q: Where does Princess Leia go shopping for clothing?
A: At the Darth Maul
Q: Why did the angry Jedi cross the road?
A: To get to the Dark Side.
Q: What do you call stormtroopers playing Monopoly?
A: Game of Clones
Q: What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair?
A: Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
Q: What do you call a Sith who won't fight?
A: A Sithy
Q: What do you call Harrison Ford when he smokes weed?
A: Han So-high
Q: Why didn't Luke cross the road?
A: Because he got a ticket for Skywalking.
Q: What do you call two suns fighting each other?
A: Star Wars
Q: What do Star Destroyers wear to parties?
A: A bow TIE.
Q: What is a Jedi's favorite toy?
A: A yo-yoda
Q: What song would Darth Vader sing if he were a Disney character?
A: "When You Wish Upon A Death Star"
Q: Which Star Wars character works at a restaurant?
A: Darth Waiter
Q: What do you call a pirate droid?
A: Arrrrr2-D2
Q: When did Anakin's Jedi masters know he was leaning towards the dark side?
A: In the Sith Grade.
Q: Why do Doctors make the best Jedi?
A: Because a Jedi must have patience.
Q: How is Ducktape like the Force?
A: It has a Dark Side, a Light side and it binds the galaxy together
Q: What do you call potatoes that have turned to the Dark side?
A: Vader Tots
Q: Which Star Wars character uses meat for a weapon instead of a Lightsaber?
A: Obi Wan Baloney
Q: What did the rancor say after he ate a Wookiee?
A: Chewie!
Q: Why is a droid mechanic never lonely?
A: Because he's always making new friends!
Q: What do Gungans put things in?
A: Jar Jars
Q: Why was yoda such a good gardener?
A: He had a green thumb!
Q: What do you get if you mix a fruit with a bounty hunter?
A: Mango Fett!
Q: What do you call a person who brings a rancor its dinner?
A: The appetizer.
Q: What did Obi Wan say to Luke when he tried to eat bantha pie with a spoon?
A: "Use the FORK, Luke."
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with Darth Vader?
A: An ele-Vader.
Q: What would you call Padme if she was a dog?
A: Petme Imadoggie.
Q: Why did Yoda visit Bank of America yesterday?
A: He needed a bank clone!
Q: What do Whipids say when they kiss?
A: Ouch.
Q: What's the differance between an ATAT and a stormtrooper?
A: One's an Imperial walker and the other is a walking Imperial.
Q: How do you unlock doors on Kashyyyk?
A: With a woo-key
Q: What is Jabba the Hutt's middle name?
A: "The"
Q: Why did Padme Amidal keep her Boots on?
A: Because they were too BOOT-iful!
Q: Why should you never tell jokes on the Falcon?
A: The ship might crack up.
Q: What time is it when an AT-AT steps on your chronometer?
A: Time to get a new chronometer.
Q: Why do Twi'leks like to flip coins?
A: So that they can say, "Heads or tails!"
Saturday, November 28, 2015
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Old Couple At McDonalds
A young tradesman walked into McDonalds during his lunch break, and he saw an elderly couple sitting down for their lunch.
He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup.
As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young tradie decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The tradie then asked the wife if she was going to eat,
and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."
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