The Official Webpage Of Mick "The Joker"

Olympic Jokes

2012-01-03T15:06:00.011+08:00

This is how the logo for the Beijing 2008 Olympics came about in case you didnt know:

Q: What do you call a sporting event for pigs?
A: The Olympigs!

Q: What award was given to the Olympic sneezing champion?
A: A cold medal!

Q: Why are the Olympics held in Beijing, but not on the moon?
A: Because there is no atmosphere on the moon!

Q: Why isn't suntanning an Olympic sport?
A: Because the best you can ever get is bronze.

Q: Why did they send the Olympic judge out in search of the lost wedding ring?
A: Because he was a medal detector.

Q: Why were the Canadian athletes upset?
A: Because everyone kept thinking they were from the US, eh?

Q: Where does the track team keep its medals?
A: In the pole vault.

Q: Why was the racewalker disqualified?
A: Because her nose was running.

Q: What's a horse's favorite event?
A: The mare-athon.

Q: Why is the track team so talkative?
A: Because they're always discus-ing.
It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.
The Judges' scores read: England: 5.8 USA: 5.9 Russia: 5.9 Australia: 5.9 Ireland: 6.0
Next comes the Australian competitor in a sparkling green and gold costume, skating to some rock and roll music. The Aussie gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple spin and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.
The Judges' scores read: England: 5.8 USA: 5.7 Russia: 5.6 Australia: 5.9 Ireland: 6.0
Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his willies. He skates to U2's 'Beautiful Day'. As it starts, he reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.
The Judges' scores read: England: 0.0 USA: 0.0 Russia: 0.0 Australia: 0.0 Ireland: 6.0
The other 4 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, "How the heck can you give that mess 6.0???!!"
To which the Irish judge replies "You've got to remember, it's darn slippery out there."

Barack Obama is making a speech about the 2012 London Olympics. He said, "O... O... O... O... O..." His aide tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Mr. President, that's the Olympic rings. Your speech is over here."

4 People On A Train

2011-10-13T16:16:00.001+08:00

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In the USSR, we have the best vodka in the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as what we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away...". Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle out the window.

All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban opens a box of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world are there better cigars, and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the box of Havanas out the window.

One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

The American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the lawyer out...

Jokes about Occupations

2011-10-13T16:11:00.002+08:00

Lawyers

Whats the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead possum lying in
the road? The skid marks in front of the possum!

Whats the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
The prostitute stops screwin' ya after your dead.

How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

There was this guy who liked to hit lawyers with his car. One day he saw a Catholic priest who's car was broken down on side of the road, so to be nice he decided to give him a ride to the mechanic. They were driving and the man saw a lawyer, so he instictively went to hit him, then he thought "Oh my gosh I have a priest in my car." So the man swerved out of the way of the lawyer. At the same time the priest opened the door. Then the man said, "I'm so sorry, I almost hit a lawyer." And the priest said,"That's O.K. I got him with the door."

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing
"Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over
them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying
scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the
balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.____________new!

A lawyer soliciting a potential client told the man he got his
last three clients suspended. What he didn't mention was that
they were all hung. ____________new!
Judge: I find the defendant innocent.
Defendant: Does that mean I can keep the money?

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bag of shit?
A: The bag.

A lawyer was walking in Central Park. As he was walking he stepped in some dog shit. He took a couple of steps looked down at his foot and said "Oh no I'm melting".

A lawyer was talking to his client who just committed murder. "I have some good news, and some bad news. The bad news is that you're getting the electric chair." His client said "That's terrible!! Well, what's the good news? " The lawyer said "I got the voltage lowered".
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to each answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Psychiatrists

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office complaining that no one ever pays any attention to him. "NEXT!" replies the psychiatrist.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.
Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional...

Rich

A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, 'We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?'
The business man replied: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?'

Other

At about 3:00, a plane took off for New York. On the plane there was a pilot, boy scout, priest, and the smartest man in the world. All of a sudden the engine blows up and the plane starts going down. The people are startled and start looking for the parachutes. They find them but there are only 3 parachutes. The pilot takes one and says 'This is my plane so I get a parachute.' And then jumps out the door. The smartest man in the world grabs one and says, 'I'm the smartest man in the world and the they will need me down there' And then jumps out the door. The priest goes and grabs the last parachute and says, 'I need to spread my wisdom around the world. Sorry kid.' Then the boy scout all the sudden speaks up and says, 'No...Thats okay. The smartest man in the world just took my nap sack!'

Three engineers are riding in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car stalls and stops by the side of the road. The three engineers look at each other with bewilderment, wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer, not knowing much about mechanics, suggests, "Let's strip down the electronics of the car and try to trace where a fault might have occurred."
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about electronics, suggests, "Maybe the fuel has become emulsified and is causing a blockage somewhere in the system."
The Microsoft engineer suggests, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it will work."

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The boy said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

Worth A Laugh

2011-09-21T08:52:00.001+08:00

The Old Couple at Maccas

2011-09-07T09:05:00.003+08:00

An old man placed an order at McDonalds for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, "we're just fine - they were used to sharing everything."

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered...

(Keep scrolling, great answer coming up!)

(Slow down with the scrolling, the answer is coming up...)

"THE TEETH!"

Lawyer In Hell

2011-08-31T09:53:00.000+08:00

A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said.

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second."

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third."

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.

"I'll choose this room," he said.

Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him.

Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "OK, coffee break is over, back on your heads."

One or Nothing

2011-08-31T09:50:00.000+08:00

A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.

"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well--only double." The man thought about this for a while.

"For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced. Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited.

"Every lawyer in the world has just received $20,000,000," the genie said.

"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish." Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "Every lawyer in the world has just recieved two Ferraris," the genie said.

"And what is your last wish?"

"Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."

Passing A Parrot

2011-08-24T11:22:00.000+08:00

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

A Dodgy Sermon

2011-08-24T09:38:00.001+08:00

A newly ordained Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus and his disciples as JC and the boys.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

15) Jesus was nailed to a cross. They did not "Tack his ass to a tree."

Meeting Steven Spielberg

2011-06-02T15:48:00.000+08:00

While on holidays in America, a Chinese man walked into a bar late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a smack on the face and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, and my grandfather was killed! Now, get out of here!"
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese!"
"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese man gives Spielberg a smack on the face and says, "You sank the Titanic; my ancestors were on that ship!"
Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was an iceberg that sank the ship,not me!"
The Chinese replies, "Yeah yeah yeah... Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same!"

(This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition in England.)

Little Johnny Jokes

2011-05-25T11:17:00.001+08:00

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.
Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank you when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.
At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say he can see good?"
The Mother said, "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision."
Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!"

Teacher; Didn't you promise to behave?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir.
Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.

Little Johnny returned from school and told his father that he'd gotten an "F" in arithmetic.
"Why?" asked the father.
"The teacher asked me 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said '6,'" replied Johnny.
"But that's right!" exclaimed his father.
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'" explained Johnny.
"What the heck's the difference?" asked his father.
"That's what I said!!" replied Johnny.

Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the schoolyard. Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.
The first one said: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!"
The second one said: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!"
Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: "Sorry, dudes... but MY DAD is the fastest. He's a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,... and he's home by 3:45!"

On day Little Johnny said to his mother "Mom, remember that vase you always worried I'd break?" "Yes. What about it?" she asked.
Little Johnny replied "Your worries are over!"

Johnny has just received his driver's license. His family goes out to the driveway and climbs into the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the backseat, directly behind the new driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," replies his father, "I'm going to sit here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!"

Teacher: "Johnny, give me a sentence starting with 'I'"
Little Johnny: "I is..." Teacher: "No, Little Johnny. Always say 'I am.'"
Little Johnny: "All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!

Little Johnny was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything, tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short everything that they could think of.
Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Johnny down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School.
After the first day, little Johnny comes home with a very serious look on his face.
He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books and paper are spread out all over the room & Little Johnny is hard at work.
His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner & to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for some time, day after day while the Mother tries to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, Little Johnny brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table & goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it & to her surprise, Little Johnny got an A in Math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room & says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" little Johnny looks at her and shakes his head no.
"Well then," She asks "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it??" Little Johnny looks at her and say "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

There's this school down in South Texas where there are very few white kids, mostly all Mexican. The teacher was asking for the kids to identify famous quotes.
She asked, "Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country'?"
Little Johnny raises his hand, but she calls on Maria, who answers, "John F Kennedy." Then, she asks "Who said, 'I have a dream...'?"
Little Johnny raises his hands, both of them, and waves them around, but she calls on Juan, who says, "Martin Luther King."
This continues with quotes from Winston Churchill and other notable historians. Finally, the bell rings, and in the confusion and noise of the kids leaving the classroom, a voice from the back of the room yells, "To hell with all those Mexicans."
The teacher hollers out, "Who said that!" Little Johnny puts up his hand and replies, "Davy Crockett, at the Alamo."

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, "Put that away Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "Okay, I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"
He says, "I wanna play Mommy and Daddy."
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.
Little Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers' old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises up and says,
"What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

Little Johnny refused to eat.
So his mother, in desperation, took him to the psychiatrist, who tried many methods, to no avail. The psychiatrist asked, "What would you like to eat?"
"Worms" Little Johnny said.
The psychiatrist was gleeful as he sent his nurse for cupful. Placing them on a plate, he said, "Here they are."
"I want them fried" was the response.
The nurse took them and had them fried. When presented with them, Little Johnny replied that he only desired one.
The psychiatrist took one and in a strong voice said, "Here is only one. Now eat it." "I only want half and you eat the other" was the reply.
The psychiatrist swallowed one half and gave the other to Little Johnny. Just then Little Johnny began to cry.
The doctor asked what was wrong. Little Johnny said, "You ate my half!"

EASTER JOKES PART 1

2011-04-21T15:00:00.001+08:00

Q: What do you call rabbits that marched in a long sweltering Easter parade?
A: Hot, cross bunnies.

Q: What do you call Easter when you are hopping around?
A: Hoppy Easter!

Q: What do you call a duck that just doesn't fit in?
A: Mallardjusted.

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken and the Easter Bunny?
A: A good Easter.

Q: What do you call a duck who plays basketball?
A: A slam duck.

Q: Why was the rabbit rubbing his head?
A: Because he had a eggache! (headache)

Q: How do bunnies stay healthy?
A: Eggercise

Q: What does a rooster say to a hen he likes?
A: Your one hot chick!

Q: What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?
A: A receding hareline.

Q: What do ducks have for lunch?
A: Soup and quackers!

Q: Why did the rabbit cross the road?
A: Because it was the chicken's day off.

Q: What do you call a bunny with a dictionary in his pants?
A: A smarty pants.

Q: What do you call a bunny with a large brain?
A: An egghead.

Q: What would you call the Easter Bunny if he married a chicken?
A: The very first rabbit to lay an egg!

Q: Why are people always tired in April?
A: Because they just finished a march

Q: Why did the magician have to cancel his show?
A: He'd just washed his hare and couldn't do a thing with it.

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the priest was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside The priest said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Father." The priest questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service. "

EASTER JOKES PART 2

2011-04-21T14:58:00.001+08:00

Q: How do you catch a unique bunny?
A: Unique up on it!!

Q: Why did the Easter egg hide?
A: He was a little chicken!

Q: What's the difference between a bunny and a lumberjack?
A: One chews and hops, the other hews and chops.

Q: What do you call the Easter Bunny after a hard day's work?
A: Tired.

Q: Why did the Easter Bunny hop down the road?
A: He was making the movie.

Q: What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
A: It's been nice gnawing at you.

Q: What did the bunny put over his sore?
A: A eggage.

Q: Why did a fellow rabbit say that the Easter Bunny was self-centered?
A: Because he is eggocentric.

Q: Where does Valentine's Day comes after Easter?
A: In the dictionary.

Q: Do you know how bunnies stay in shape?
A: Hareobics.

Q: How does the Easter Bunny say Happy Easter?
A: Hoppy Easter!

Q: Why is the letter A like a flower?
A: A bee comes after it

Q: What type of movie is about water fowl?
A: A duckumentary.

Q: What grows between your nose and chin?
A: Tulips.

Q: What is the end of Easter?
A: The letter R.

Q: What do you get when you find a rabbit with no hair?
A: A hairless hare!

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. Jesus tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by Jesus is "What is Easter"?
The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..." "Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies Jesus.
He turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven.
He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"? The third blonde smiles confidently and looks Jesus in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says Jesus, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." Jesus smiled broadly with delight. The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

Footy Jokes Part 1: WA football

2011-03-24T12:14:00.001+08:00

Which Fremantle Dockers player loves honey and stings when you attack him? Paul Haslebee! (Hasleby)

Which Fremantle Dockers player drives a tractor? Jeff Farmer!

Which Fremantle Dockers player beats eggs and whips cream?
Troy Cook!

Which Fremantle Dockers player laughs a lot?
Robert Ha Ha Ha-drill! (Haddrill)

Which Fremantle Dockers players can you drive? Matthew and Josh Carr!

What do you call a pig who used to play footy for the Fremantle Dockers?
Shane Porker! (Parker)

What is the favourite dessert of Fremantle Dockers captain Matthew Pavlich?
Pav-lovas!

Which West Coast Eagles player can you break easily?
Darren Glass!

Which West Coast Eagles player can you sit on? Chad Fletchair! (Fletcher)

Which West Coast Eagles player carries a gun with him wherever he goes?
Adam Hunter!

Which West Coast Eagles player stings when you attack him? Tyson Stinglein! (Stenglein)

Which West Coast Eagles player loves honey and stings when you attack him? Mark Seabee! (Seaby)

A West Coast Eagles fan is on his way to attend the Western Derby against the Dockers at Subiaco Oval. He was so happy, but when he got to the stadium and found his seat he was somewhat disappointed. His ticket was for the last row, and it was WAY up on the stadium’s 3-tier stand. He couldn't see the game, so he began looking around.Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat in the block near the Dockers’ interchange bench. Thinking to himself, "what a waste", he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man, wearing a Dockers jumper, sitting next to it "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Dockers fan. We’ve been attending every Dockers home match since the club was founded in 1995." The other man replied, “I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?" The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

Footy Jokes Part 2

2011-03-24T12:12:00.000+08:00

Which two AFL players smell like a trash cans? Essendon's Dustbin Fletcher and West Coast's Drew Binfield! (Dustin,Banfield)

Which two Port Adelaide Power players are yellow and can be eaten? Chad and Kane Cornes!

Which Brisbane Lions player is a millionaire?
Daniel Rich!

Carlton are playing against St Kilda, a so Blues fan walked into local pub with his little dog under his arm to watch the game. The dog was wearing a Blues jumper, and was festooned with navy blue and white pom-poms. The bartender said, "Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"The guy begged him, "Look, I'm desperate. We're both mad Carlton fans, our TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!" After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relented and allowed them to stay in the bar and watch the game. The big game began with the Carlton winning the toss and Brendan Fevola marked and goaled from 30 metres out directly in front. With that, the dog jumped up on the bar, and began walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.The bartender said, “Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do when the Blues score a behind?"The owner replied, “I don't know, I've only had him for 4 years."

The coach of the Geelong Football Club’s Under 18s team walked into the change room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate...what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "Four?" "Four?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all his teammates began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to the Anzac Day game between Collingwood Magpies and Essendon Bombers at the MCG. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. They barracked for Bombers. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" And the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats. After Bombers captain Matthew Lloyd kicked the opening goal of the match, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke into applause and cheered. When the umpire penalised the star of the Essendon, Scott Lucas, for a push in the back, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and they all started booing and cat calling. Thinking things were going very well, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a meat pie, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a brawl involving more than a dozen players in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked," What in the world happened? "The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine till a Collingwood supporter passed by and yelled PEANUTS!"

Inspiring Music At Church

2011-02-18T15:13:00.000+08:00

A priest was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the mass," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the mass, the priest paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played, "Advance Australia Fair."

Valentines Day Jokes

2011-02-10T16:24:00.004+08:00

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?

A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we'll go places!

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: I'm stuck on you.

Q: Who sends a thousand valentines cards signed', guess who' ?
A: A divorce lawyer.

Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.

Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A: No, but they had an apple.

Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?

Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?
A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.
Knock, Knock,
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you!

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn't get a date.

Q: What is a ram's favourite song on February 14th?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear

Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner?
A: A stamp.

Q: What happens when you fall in love with a French chef?
A: You get buttered up.

Q: What is a vampire's sweetheart called?
A: His ghoul-friend.

Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
A: Antelope.

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.
'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'
'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'
Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'

Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London.
The jeweller inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?'
Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave "To my one and only love".'
The jeweller smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.'
Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.'

When a woman on the staff of the school where I worked became engaged, a friend and colleague offered her some advice.
'The first ten years are the hardest.'
'How long have you been married?' she asked.
'Ten years', he replied.

Phil, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub. He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes. Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, 'I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just $10 but on one condition.'
The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance, 'What's your condition?'
Phil answered, 'Tell me your wish in just three words.'
There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, 'Clean my house.'

Expectant Dad

2011-02-10T15:53:00.003+08:00

An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was doing.
By mistake he dialled the number for Melbourne Cricket Ground during the a Test Match.
“How’s it going?” he asked. “Fine,” came the answer, “We’ve got five out already and only 5 more to go. The last one was a duck..”

The Old Nun

2011-01-04T14:21:00.001+08:00

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said:
"And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the tradesmen yelled down 'why'?
The worker yelled back, "Cos his wife's here with his lunch"

Musical Octopus

2011-01-04T14:18:00.003+08:00

A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. Everyone in the crowd laughs at him, calls him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus cannot play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just ripping it up. So the man pays him $50.
Another guy walks up with a violin. The octopus plays the violin better than Andre Rieu. So the man pays him $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. So the man pays him $50.
The barman had been observing what had been happening. He came out and puts a set of bagpipes beside the octopus, who fumbles with them for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.
"What are you messing around for?" the octopus' owner yells "Hurry up and play the damn thing!"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "What do you mean PLAY IT? I'm still working out how to get its pajamas off."

Basketball Jokes

2010-11-15T17:57:00.002+08:00

Earl and Bob, both obsessed with basketball, never missed their favorite team’s games. They promised, whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was basketball in heaven.
One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally, Earl did. He said to Bob. "I have good news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news first. There is basketball in heaven." Bob said, "That’s the best news ever!"
Then Earl said, "Time for the bad news...You're starting at guard tomorrow night."

Q: What do you do when you see an elephant with a basketball?
A: Get out of the way.

Q: Why was Cinderella such a bad player?
A: Her coach was a pumpkin.

Q: Why are basketball players such messy eaters?
A: They're always dribbling.

Q: Why did the coach let the elephant play basketball?
A: He had already broken the bench.

Q: Why did the basketball visit the bank?
A: Because his checks were bouncing.

Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a basketball?
A: One is round and charges through nets and the other is a basketball.

Q: Why can't you play sports in the jungle?
A: Because of the cheetahs

Q: What's the difference between a dog and a basketball player?
A: One drools, one dribbles

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about basketball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the refs."

There was a Perth Wildcats fan with a really crappy seat at Challenge Stadium. Looking around, he spotted an empty seat at half-court. Thinking to himself "what a waste", he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Wildcats fan." The other man replied, "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

A true Bobby Knight story recalled as best as can be remembered from the "Morning Briefing" section of the L.A. Times: In the 1980 Olympics, the U.S. basketball team, coached by Knight, played and beat the Chinese team handily. When asked about the win, Bobby said, "It was a lot of fun playing the Chinese, but an hour later, we wanted to play them again."

At the basketball game, why did the blonde say, "I stopped aging!"?
Because the clock stopped.

There were 3 basketball players, one each from IU, Notre Dame, and Purdue, standing on a burning roof in Indianapolis. The fire department came with a blanket and yelled to the Notre Dame player to jump. He jumped and they moved it to the right. He hit the sidewalk with a splat.
They then called to the IU player to jump. He said that he wouldn't jump. They said they liked IU better than Notre Dame. So he jumped and the fire department moved the blanket to the left.
The IU player hit with a splat on the sidewalk. Then they called to the Purdue player to jump. He said that he wouldn't jump.
The fire department said they hated IU and Notre Dame. He yelled back and said, "Lay the blanket down, and then I'll jump!"

Steve Mariucci was back visiting the new basketball coach at UC Cal. They started a conversation and began arguing over who was dumber, a football player or a basketball player.
Mariucci said, "I hate to say this, but football players are dumber than basketball players. Watch and I'll show you". He then called in Brent Jones and asked him to come into the office. Number 84 came in and Mariucci says to him, "Here's 25 cents, go down the street to the car dealer and buy me a new Jimmy".
Brent Jones takes the quarter and leaves. A few minutes later, he comes back in and says, "Hey Coach, I forgot to ask, what color did you want?" Mariucci tells him to forget it, he's changed his mind.
After the player leaves, the new 49'er coach says to the basketball coach, "I'm telling you, my guys are dumb!"
The basketball coach says "Not so fast, let me show you one of my basketball players" and promptly calls one in to the office. The coach says to the player "Could you run down to my office for me and see if I'm there?"
The player starts to leave, but as he gets to the door, he stops short, turns around and says "Hey! There's a phone right there on the desk ... Can't you just call down there?" They hired him right on the spot to be Mariucci's new assistant.

Not Basketball, we know, but funny just the same:
Nike has a television commercial for hiking shoes that was shot in Kenya using Samburu tribesmen. The camera closes in on the one tribesman who speaks, in native Maa. As he speaks, the Nike slogan "Just Do It" appears in the screen. Lee Cronk, an anthropologist at the University of Cincinnati, says the Kenyan is really saying, "I don't want these. Give me big shoes." Say's Nike's Elizabeth Dolan, "We thought nobody in America would know what he said." -from an article in Forbes Magazine

"The Tall People of the World" is an organization for large people, and members are only accepted after proving they are at least 1.95 meters tall.
The organization holds annual meetings, and during the 1995 meeting, had some very short people who came to meet with the tall guys.
Upon seeing one of the giants, one of the dwarves came to him and said, "You are so tall! Do you play basketball?"
"No." said the giant. "Do you play Miniature Golf?"

Former Utah Jazz president, Frank Layden, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

Shelby Metcalf, former basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Three coaches flew to the NCAA convention. The plane crashed; and all 3 died.
All 3 noticed God up in the clouds sitting in a chair. God motioned for one of them to come into the clouds. God wanted to know three things:
Who are you? What did you do? What did people think of you?
The 1st person said, "I'm Denny Crum, I was 2nd best coach in the nation. I won 2 national championships & over 20 games a year. The people of Kentucky think I'm great."
God said, "Fine, Denny, stand on my right side.
The next person said, "I'm Rick Pitino. I was the 3rd best coach in the nation. I won an SEC Championship and turned the program around to a fairly respectable one. The people of Kentucky think I'm great."
God said, "Fine, Rick, stand on my left side."
The 3rd person stood before God and said, "I'm Bobby Knight & I have won 3 national championships, 2 NIT championships, the Pan Am Games, the Olympics, 9 Big Ten championships, and I was the youngest coach ever to win 600 games, and the people of Indiana think you are sitting in my chair."

Before winning with the Lakers - Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

At mid-point during a game, the coach calls one of his 7-year-old basketball players aside to talk with him.
The coach asks, "Do you understand what cooperation is, and what a team is?" The little boy replies, "Yes."
"Do you also understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nods his head.
"So," the coach continues, "I'm sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nods his head yes.
"And when I call you off the court so that another teammate gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a jackass, now is it?" The little boy answered, "No, sir."
"Good," said the coach, "Now please go over and explain all of that to your mother."

Q: If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an astronaut get?
A: Missle toe!

2010-10-20T16:38:00.001+08:00

If a skeleton visits St Mary's Cathedral, why would it play the piano?
It has no organs!

What do you call a witch's motorbike?
A brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooooooooomstick!

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite...

Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray...

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...

Why don't skeletons go out on the town?
Because they have no body to go out with...

What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries...

What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving...

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer...

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're too wrapped up in themselves...

What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead end streets ...

What does daddy ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts...

How does a ghost go on holiday?
By scareplane...

What type of dog do vampire's like the best?
Bloodhounds...

What is a ghoul's favourite drink?
Slime juice ...

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A steak sandwich...

Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath...

Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation...

What is a Mummie's favorite type of music?
Wrap!!!!!

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghouls best friend!

What's a monster's favorite bean?
A human bean.

What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A sand-witch.

Where does a ghost go on Saturday night?
Anywhere where he can boo-gie.

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
He didn't have a haunting license.

What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
He is mist.

Where did the goblin throw the football?
Over the ghoul line.

Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
Because he is always goblin his food

What does a ghost have on top of his ice cream sundae?
Whipped scream.

What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?
Mas-scare-a.

Who was the famous ghost detective?
Sherlock Moans.

Who was the famous witch detective?
Warlock Holmes

Who was the famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.

Who was the most famous French skeleton?
Napoleon bone-apart

Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
The Vampire State Building.

Where do American werewolves live?
In Howllywood, California

Where do American goblins live?
In North and South Scarolina.

What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon?
A sour-puss

Why was the skeleton frightened to cross the road?
Because he had no guts.

How can you tell a vampire likes baseball?
Every night he turns into a bat.

What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It's a pain in the neck.

How does a girl vampire flirt?
She bats her eyes.

What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his house?
A grave problem.

Why doesn't anybody like Dracula?
He has a bat temper.

Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.

Who does Dracula get letters from?
His fang club.

Why did Dracula visit the doctor?
Because he was coffin.

How do you keep a monster from biting his nails?
Give him some screws.

What can't you give the headless horseman?
A headache.

Why did the headless horseman go into business?
He wanted to get a-head in life.

What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a party?
A boo-tie.

Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.

When does a ghost have breakfast?
In the moaning.

What does Dracula drink at breakfast?
Coffin with scream and sugar.

Where does a ghost go on vacation?
Mali-boo.

What do they teach at Witches school?
Spelling.

Why does a witch ride a broom?
Vacuum cleaners get stuck at the end of the cord.

What do you call a witch's garage?
A broom closet.

What do you call two witches living together?
Broommates.

Why don't mummies take vacations?
They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

Parrot Jokes

2010-10-08T11:41:00.004+08:00

There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:

"IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE!"or

"IT'S IN HIS POCKET, IT'S IN HIS POCKET!"or

"IT'S IN HIS MOUTH, IT'S IN HIS MOUTH!"

The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.
Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.
The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said, "OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"

A golfer took a vacation in Florida. He was a big bettor and always had at least $500 riding on each round. He asked at the pro shop if there was anyone around who liked a little competition, and the pro introduced him to a man named Joe.
"Is Joe a good golfer?" the man asked when Joe left to get his clubs.
"He doesn’t look that good but he always seems to win his matches," the pro replied.
The man met Joe on the first tee, and they agreed to play for $500. On the first tee, Joe hooked his drive into the water, and the vacationer won the hole. On the next hole, Joe topped his drive and then shanked his second shot into the trees. The man won that hole, too. On the next tee Joe took off his hat and scratched his head. When he did that, a big parrot flew up and lighted in a nearby tree. "Want to double the bet?" Joe asked.
"Sure," the vacationer said, already counting his winnings as he stepped up to the tee. On the top of his back swing, the parrot made a noise like a train whistle, and the vacationer wiffed the ball and lost the hole. On the next hole, which required a second shot over a pond, the vacationer selected his iron when the parrot said, "Five iron’s too much." The player changed to a six and hit it into the water. While the man was putting on one hole, the parrot said, "It breaks to the left," but the putt broke right. The man missed it to go three down. By the 18th hole, the vacationer was ten down to Joe and glaring at the bird.
"What do I need to do to get rid of that lousy parrot?" he said to nobody in particular.
"Just pay me $100 more than Joe does," the bird said.

Before the collapse of communism, this Russian guy loses his pet parrot. He looks everywhere, all around the neighborhood, in the park, everywhere. He can't find the parrot. Finally he goes around to the KGB office, and tells the desk officer his problem. The officer is a little puzzled. "Look, comrade, I'm sorry you lost your bird, but this is the KGB. We don't handle missing animal reports." "Oh, I know that", says the guy. "I just wanted you to know, if you do find my parrot... I don't know where he could have picked up all his political ideas."

Mrs. Broomfield's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment,and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!" When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!" To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!"

A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again. The next day, when the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused, scowled with an icy and deadly stare, and said with a hoarse voice, "Yes?" The bird, strutting back and forth on its perch in a cocky manner, said, "You know."

A man went into a bar and said to the bartender, "If you give me free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night and drink lots and lots." "Oh yes," says the bartender. "How are you going to do that?" The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano. The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "Have you got anything else?" The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar. The hamster begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along - sounding just like Pavarotti. Everyone in the bar is amazed and stayed all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot. The bartender is delighted. "I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?" he asks. The man shook his head no. "Will you sell just one then?" asks the bartender. "OK, I'll sell you the parrot for $100" the man says. The bartender is delighted and hands over the money. Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster said, "You're a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only $100". "No I'm not," the man replied. "The hamster is a ventriloquist"!!!

A drunk is driving with his parrot through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the parrot and the drunk smiles. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few." "He did all right," the parrot says and the drunk smiles. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the parrot. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

A short elderly woman burst into a pet store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a good singer! I've got good, hard US cash, but I'm only paying for a good singer."
The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I've been in this business for forty years and the best singer I've ever heard is in that cage."
"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary, but it's got to be a singer."
By this point, the shop keeper was coming down the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" He placed the cage on the counter and the bird burst into melody after melody.
Awed, the woman murmured, "Why, he is a good singer." Suddenly she screamed, "Hey, this bird's only got one leg!"
The pet store owner was unperturbed. "Lady, what do you want, a singer or a dancer?"

This guy is in a plane when he feels thirsty. He calls the stewardess and asks her politely for a Large Whiskey.There's a parrot in the seat next to him, who snaps,"A double Scotch and make it quick". "Yes ,sir"the stewardess says, and quickly gets the bird his drink - but ignores the guy. The parrot downs his in one gulp, and says "gimme another". The stewardess gets him a second drink, ignoring the guy again. The guy, meanwhile has been asking for his drink very politely. He decides to use the parrot's tactics and snarls at the stewardess,"You @#*$# hag, get me my bloody Scotch!". Suddenly a large co-pilot comes out of the cockpit and ejects both the guy and the parrot off the plane.
As they're falling, the parrot turns to the guy and says "You know, you're quite brave for someone who can't fly...".

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "the parrot on the left costs $500". "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs $2,000. Needless to say, this begs the question "What can it do?", to which the owner replies, "To be honest, I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!".

A burglar sneaks in a dark bar...(after hours) and goes right to the cash register. A voice calls out, "GOD IS WATCHING YOU". He looks all around and sees nothing so returns to jimmying the cash drawer. Again, the voice says, "GOD IS WATCHING YOU". The burglar looks around and finally sees a parrot in a cage and says, "Oh, Hi Polly. You startled me." "Hey" said the parrot. "My name ain't Polly. It's John the Baptist." The burglar snorted, "Who in the world named you John the Baptist?". Parrot says, "The same guy who named that Rottweiler over there GOD!"

Sports Jokes Part I

2010-09-01T14:39:00.004+08:00

Why did the golfers run away from the golf game?
Because there was a Tiger (Tiger Woods) in the lead!

Why did Tarzan get kicked out of the golf game?
Because he screamed with every swing!

What does Tarzan like at a golf course?
He is there to perfect his swing!

Why can’t you play sports in the jungle?
Because there are Cheetahs!

Why are basketball players bad at eating?
They always dribble!

Why does a golfer bring an extra pair of pants to a golf game?
In case he gets a ‘hole-in-one’!

Why was Cinderella such a bad sportswoman?
Her coach was a pumpkin!

What’s the difference between a dog and a basketball player?
One drools, the other dribbles!

Why did the girls’ soccer team dump Cinderella?
She ran away from the ball!

Why aren't the Socceroos allowed to own a dog?
Because they can't hold on to a lead!

Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Why are fish never good Tennis players?
They don't like getting close to the net.

How did the basketball court get wet?
The players dribbled all over it!

Why did the chicken get sent off?
For persistent fowl play!

Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats?
They might be cheetahs!

Where do religious school children practice sports?
In the prayground!

Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game?
It was a cup draw!

Where do football directors go when they are fed up?
The bored room!

Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat?
To see if there was any more money in the kitty!

Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder player
Fan: Why's that?
Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!

Why do artists never when they play football?
They keep drawing!

Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games?
So that they can pack the defence!

Where do old bowling balls end up?
In the gutter!

Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet?
Player: I finished it in three days!

What part of a football pitch smells nicest?
The scenter spot!

What's the chilliest ground in the premiership?
Cold Trafford!

How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle?
Somebody took a corner!

Why didn't the dog want to play football?
It was a boxer!

What did they call Dracula when he won the league?
The champire!

Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?
Paul gas coin!

Manager: I'll give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a year's time?
Young player: OK, I'll come back in a year's time!

Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom?
Captain: Well, it could have been worse.
Manager: How?
Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!
What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game?
Sorry, it was a freak hic! (free kick)

Why are football grounds odd?
Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits!

What do you get if you drop a piano on a team's defence?
A flat back four!

Why did the goal post get angry?
Because the bar was rattled!

What is the bank manager's favourite type of football?
Fiver side!

What part of a football ground is never the same?
The changing rooms!

What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
Bring on their subs!

Our team is doing so badly that "Manager of the Month" isn't an award.
It's an appointment!

Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?
They got jellygated!

Which insect didn't play well in goal?
The fumble bee!

What did the bumble bee striker say?
Hive scored!

What is black and white and black and white and black and white?
A Collingwood fan rolling down a hill!

What are Brazilian fans called?
Brazil nuts!

Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
He was the skipper!

How do hens encourage their football teams?
They egg them on!

What lights up a football stadium?
A football match!

If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?
Cornflakes!

Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?
Because there is no atmosphere!

Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?
Webley stadium!

When fish play football, who is the captain?
The team's kipper!

Ref: I'm sending you off
Player: What for?
Ref: The rest of the match!

Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?
They tend to go cheep!

What is a goal keepers favourite snack?
Beans on post!

How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!

What's tennis players favourite city?
Volley wood!

How does a physicist exercise?
By pumping ion!

Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?
Because education pays off in the long run!

What is a runner's favourite subject in school?
Jog-raphy!

What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?
Ince pies!

What does a footballer and a magician have in common?
Both do hat tricks!

Which football team loves ice-cream?
Aston Vanilla!

Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
All of them, a crossbar can't jump!

Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?
They prefer cricket matches!

What stories are told by basketball players?
Tall stories!

Who won the race between two balls of string?
They we're tied!

Why are football players never asked for dinner?
Because they're always dribbling!

Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?
Because he liked sole music!

What tea do footballers drink?
Penaltea!

Where do footballers dance?
At a football!

Sports Jokes Part 2

2010-09-01T14:34:00.002+08:00

Its the first game of the Soccer World Cup, Brazil v Scotland.
Ronaldo says to his team mates 'this should be easy, you lot go down the pub and i will play them on my own'.
So all the others go down the pub and watch the game on the TV.
After 3 minutes ..GOAL.. its Brazil 1 Scotland 0...Ronaldo 3min.
They decide to switch off the TV and enjoy the drinking. After the game they switched back on to find the final score Brazil 1 Scotland 1. Ferguson had scored in the 89th minute.
'Not too bad' said the brazil team,' he has done really well by himself'.
10 minutes later Ronaldo walked into the pub and started to apologise. 'Not to worry you done really well by yourself' 'no no i really let u down' Ronaldo said. 'I got sent off after 12 minutes'.

One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed." The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the West Coast Eagles game and you'll see." The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game. The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Eagles score, my dog does flips." The Eagles keep scoring goals (6 points) and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. "Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Eagless score a behind (1 point)?" asked the bartender. The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years."

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs. And the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my freakin' ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some idiot puts a swimming cap on me!"

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing nobody around, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at a pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A girl standing next to him couldn't help but notice the large bulge.
"What's that?" she asked, pointing at his shorts.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh my gosh," said the girl sympathetically... ,that must be very painful . . . . I had tennis elbow once!"

Socceroos goalkeeper Mark Schwarzer was walking along a street one day when he heard screams from a nearby building. He looked up to see smoke billowing from a fourth-floor window and a woman leaning out holding a baby.
"Help ! Help!" screamed the woman, "I need someone to catch my baby!"
A crowd of onlookers had gathered, but none was confident about catching a baby dropped from such a great height. Then Schwarzer, stepped forward. "I'm the Number 1 goalie of the Socceroos," he called to the woman. "I'm renowned for my safe hands. Drop the baby and I will catch it. For me, it will be just like catching a ball."
The woman agreed. "Ok, then. When I drop my baby, treat it as if you were catching a ball."
On a count of three, the woman dropped the baby. Everyone held their breath as Mark Schwarzer lined himself up to catch it. There was a huge sigh of relief, followed by wild cheering as Schwarzer caught the baby safely in his arms. Then he bounced it twice on the ground and kicked it 50 yards down the street.

During Perth Glory's pre-season training, one of their strikers married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star striker, "You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no bigger than your hand."
"That's right, Coach," replied the striker. "But, she's much better!"

Alexander Potter was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen.
One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a cricket match, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the television set.
"Hey," Alex shouted, "what do you think you're doing? I am sick of sports, and I'm sick of TV," his wife replied. "You haven't touched me in months. We're going to talk about sex right now!"
"Okay, Okay. So..." After a moment, he asked, "How often do you think Ricky Ponting gets laid?"

A teacher asks her students if they're Essendon fans.
All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"Collingwood" Bobby replies.
"Why's that?" asks the teacher.
"Well, my parents are both Collingwood fans, so I'm a Collingwood fan too." he reples.
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?" the teacher asks.
Bobby replies, "No, that would make me an Essendon fan!"

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish.
Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Mate" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"I can't even understand what you are saying." says the old man.
"The boy replies, "You have to kepp the worms warm."

Who's the Mightiest of the Jungle?

2010-09-01T14:23:00.001+08:00

The Lion was walking through the forest and saw a mouse come along. Asserting his dominance the Lion lets out a mighty roar and screams, "WHO'S THE KING OF ALL THE LAND?!"
The mouse cowers in fear and says, "You all mighty lion..."
The lion is pleased and says, "You may live."
Soon after a monkey comes walking, and the...(tharr be more) Lion again lets out a mighty roar, "WHO'S THE KING OF ALL THE LAND"
The monkey cries in fright, but manages to say, "You all mighty lion..."
The lion is pleased and says, "You may live."
Next an elephant comes walking along. The Lion puffs himself up and lets out a mighty roar and yells, "WHO'S THE KING OF ALL THE LAND."
The elephant grabs the lion with his trunk tosses him repeatedly in the air, bangs him against some trees. Tosses him against a rock, stomps on him and walks off.
The Lion looks at the elephant and says, "Just because you don't know the answer doesn't mean you gotta get so upset."

Luke's trip to Rome

2010-08-19T16:51:00.002+08:00

Luke walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut.
Joe: "What's up?"
Luke: "I am taking a trip to Rome next month."
Joe: "ROME?! Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?"
Luke: "We're taking TWA."
Joe: "TWA?! They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they are always late! So where you staying in Rome?"
Luke: "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."
Joe: "That DUMP?! That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is slow, and they are overpriced. So whatcha doing when you get there?" Luke: "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."
Joe: "HA! That's rich! You and a million other people trying to see him. He will look like the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this trip. You're going to need it!" A month later, Luke comes in for his regular haircut.
Joe: "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"
Luke: "No, quite the opposite. Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot."
Joe: "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."
Luke: "No, quite the opposite. They had just finished a $25 million remodeling project. It's the finest hotel in Rome now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge."
Joe: "Well, I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"
Luke: "Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
Joe: "Really, what did he say?"
Luke: "He said, “My Son, where'd you get that awful haircut?"

John and his pet parrot

2010-08-19T16:48:00.001+08:00

A young man named John received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Priest's 25th Anniversary Joke

2010-08-11T17:18:00.003+08:00

A Catholic priest was being honored at a dinner celebrating the 25th anniversary of his priesthood. A leading local politician, who was a member of the priest's parish, was chosen to make the presentation and give the keynote speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional can never be broken, however I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first bloke who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer! Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled! But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest said his thank you, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."

SOCCER JOKES

2010-06-15T17:02:00.002+08:00

An Australian, a South African and a German walked into a pub in Durban. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Australian pushed his beer away in disgust.
The South African picked the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.
The German, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT SPIT IT OUT!!!"

God, and the devil were each having a holiday in hyper-space. The topic of conversation turned to who could turn out the best football team. Much to the God's surprise the devil proposed a football match to settle their dispute.
As God was leaving he said to the devil, 'Don't you realise that all the 'good' players go to heaven?"
The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs!"

A medical professor had just finished a lecture on the subject of mental health and started to give an oral quiz to the first years. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the senior doctor asked, 'How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?'
A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, 'A World Cup football coach?

A thief who stole a World Cup ticket from a woman's handbag was caught after sitting down to watch the game next to his victim's husband.
The 34-year-old mugged Eva Standmann, 42, as she made her way to the Munich stadium for the Brazil-Australia game at the weekend and discovered the ticket in her bag. He took the woman's place in the stadium where he was met by her husband Berndt, 43, who immediately called security. A Munich police spokesman said, 'The thief found the ticket in the bag and decided to watch the game, not expecting to sit next to his victim's husband, who immediately informed officers on duty at the stadium.'

Car insurance companies in the UK will be pleased if England crash out of the 2010 World Cup in the early stages.
Based on information collated from the 2006 World Cup it appears that England's drivers crash their cars more often on England match days. In 2006 crashes leapt by some 15% generally during the whole tournament. Accident figures when England played against Portugal and lost on penalties rose by over 42%.

At one point during a football (soccer) match in America, the coach said to one of his young players, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative. ' Do you understand that what matters is how we play together as a team?' The little boy nodded yes.
'So, 'the coach continued, 'When offside is given, or a foul is not seen, you don't argue or swear or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?' Again the little boy nodded.
'Good, 'said the coach, 'Now go over there and explain it to your mother.'

Robbie, the Scouser, [person born in Liverpool, England], is touring America on holiday and stops in a remote bar in the hills of Montana. He's chatting to the barman when he sees an old native American sitting in a corner-complete with full tribal gear, long plaits and wrinkles.
'Who's he?' enquires Robbie.
'That's the Memory Man,' responds the barman. 'He knows everything. He can remember any sporting fact. Go and try him out.'
So Robbie wanders over and asks, 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'
'Liverpool,' replies the Memory Man.
Robbie is flabbergasted.
'Who did they beat?'
'Leeds,' is the reply.' And the score?'
'2-1.'
Amazed but not totally convinced Robbie Dave tries something more specific.
'Who scored the winning goal?'
Without blinking the native American replies, 'Ian St John.'
Robbie, the Liverpudlian returns home and regales his relatives and friends with his tale, and he's determined to return and pay his respects to this amazing man.
Ten years later he has saved enough money and returns to America. After weeks of searching through the towns of Montana, Dave Robbie, the Scouser steps forward, bows and greets the old man in his traditional native tongue, 'How.'
The Memory Man squints at Robbie and says, 'Diving header in the six-yard box.'

It was the World Cup Final dinner and dance held in the evening, after the final. The festivities were in full swing when three newcomers arrived without tickets. 'It's all right,' said one, 'we're friends of the referee.'
'Whoever heard of a referee with three friends?', said the bouncer as he threw them out.

One day in Bavaria, the seven dwarfs went off to work in the salt mine, while Snow White stayed at home as usual to cook their lunch. However, when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.
Tearfully, Snow White shouted down the mine shaft: 'Hello - is anyone there. Can you hear me, Bashful, Doc, Dopey, Happy, Grumpy or Sneezy?' (She knew it would be no good calling Sleepy.)
Then a voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: 'Germany will win the 2010 World Cup'. ' Thank God!' said Snow White, 'at least Dopey's still alive!'

A guy named Paul receives wins tickets to the 2010 FIFA World Cup. Unfortunately, when Paul arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium. About halfway through the first quarter, Paul sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the halfway mark.
He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Paul asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man says "No."
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Paul again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the World Cup and not use it?!"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away."
"Well, that's really sad," said Paul, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?" "No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."

Young soccer fan meets Pope

2010-05-25T14:01:00.002+08:00

There's this young boy from London who is going to the Vatican with his family, hoping to see the Pope. The boy is a bit worried about whether or not they will see the Pope amongst the thousands of people. So his mum says "Don't worry, son, the Pope is a big soccer fan and I know he barracks for Chelsea, so wear your Chelsea shirt, the Pope will see the famous blue and he will stop and talk to you.
The next day, the boy wears his Chelsea shirt whilst they are standing in the crowd as the Pope goes along in his Popemobile. Next thing the Popemobile stops a little further down the street, Pope Benedict gets out to talk to a different little boy, who is wearing a Manchester United shirt. Then he gets back into the Popemobile and it drives right past the young Chelsea fan, who is very upset and starts crying. "Don't worry" says his mum, "The Pope is driving around tomorrow as well, so I'll buy you a Manchseter United shirt, we'll come back tomorrow and then he is guaranteed to stop and talk to you."
So they are back in the crowd the next day the little boy is now wearing the Manchester United shirt. The Popemobile comes along and the boy is all excited. As his mum predicted, the Popemobile does stop, right in front of him. Then Pope Benedict gets out, walks over to the little boy, bends down to talk to him and says "I thought I told you to GET LOST yesterday!"

Mick "The Joker"'s 150th Appearance Behind The Microphone

2010-05-25T13:52:00.000+08:00

Mick "The Joker" live on radio

2010-05-20T10:19:00.002+08:00

Hey guys!!!

In case you didn't know, I told jokes on radio recently and you can listen here, simply by closing the advertisement and pressing the play button below!

The Nun and the Taxi Driver

2010-04-29T21:23:00.002+08:00

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and after 5 minutes, the cabbie says,
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next car park."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married with children and I'm Anglican."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Michael and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

St Patrick's Day Jokes

2010-03-10T16:25:00.003+08:00

Q: Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic?
A: It has a 12 month waiting list.

Q: What's long & green & has a low I.Q.?
A: A St. Patrick's Day Parade

Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!

Q: Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn't afford plane fare.

Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Patty O'furniture!

Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...
Darn! There goes another one!"

Scorcher Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked,
"Have I got all ye say there?"
The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"
Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."

Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields.
Murphy said, "Where are we now?"
The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas."
"It's a big place," said Murphy.
The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it."
And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for it!"

Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?" The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.", replied Brennan.

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three glasses of Guiness, drinking them one at a time. Noticing this odd ritual, the bartender explains that the beer goes flat when poured and informs the man his beer would be much fresher if he ordered one glass at a time.
The Irishman explains he began this custom with his two brothers, who have moved to America and Australia, respectively. This is their way of remembering all the time they spent drinking together.
The man becomes a regular at the pub, well-known for always ordering three beers at once. One day he walks in and orders only two beers. Assuming the worst, a hush falls among other patrons.
When the Irishman returns to the bar to order his second round, the bartender quietly offers his condolences. The man looks confused for a moment, and then explains, "No, everyone's fine. I gave up beer for lent."
Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.
"Help!" Barty shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"
Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."
Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.
After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."
As Mick was leaving, Barty called "Mick! Mick!
D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?

Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Joey-Jim asked. "Well didn't ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Pat and Jimmy-Joe met and one said to the other,
"Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?"
Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."
His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?"
Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us."

Barty and Dunny met in a pub and discussed the illness of a friend named Hogan.
"Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die."
"Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other.
"Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together."

Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"

Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!" "Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you." So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground. "T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers. "Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"

Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked. "Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.
The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman stands up : "You're making' out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose."
"I'm sorry sir, I..."
"Not you," says the Irishman, "I'm talking to that little fella on your knee."

Two Irishmen were sitting in a four engined plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the captains voice came over the loudspeaker. "Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appears to have failed. There's nothing to worry about but we will be 15 minutes late in landing at Gatwick."
Five minutes later he said, "Nothing to worry about, ladies and Gentlemen, but one of the other engines has failed, and we will now be an hour late."
A moment later, "Er...sorry about this ladies and gentlemen, but the third engine has also given up the ghost and we will now be two hours later than expected."
One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder. "Good heavens, Patrick, do you realise that if the other engine fails, we'll be here all night ?"

Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EI109 from Madrid to Dublin the Plane encounters a serious problem with the Instrument landing systems. In a Fit of Panic, Paddy the Pilot turns to his co-Pilot and says. "Jazus Mick...Well have to turn back...none of the equipment is working!." Mick says to Paddy; "No Problem...Sure I can tell where we are by sticking my hand out the Window!
"OK!" says Paddy, "Where are we then?"
Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; "Well Paddy, I reckon were over the Bay of Biscay. The humidity seems to be gone out of the air. This is caused by the seawater. Just Head North"
"Brilliant!" replies Paddy, and precedes north bound. Fifteen Minutes later Paddy asks: " Where are we now Mick?"
Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; " Were over the English Channel now. The air is much cooler here. Just head in a north easterly direction."
Thirty minutes Later Paddy asks: " Where are we now Mick?"
Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; "Were over the Ballymun flats. Quick...Bank left here and you should be on Course for Runway One. Paddy, Responds and 5 minutes later the plane lands safely on Runway One. Paddy turns to Mick and says: "That was Brilliant...But...Tell Me . How did you know we were over the Ballymun Flats". "Well!" said Mick...When I pulled my hand back in.. My Watch was Gone!"

An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, "The trouble is the carburetor." He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not working." The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him.
Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway."

A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?". The man says "Sorry - we're right out of petrol." So the man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?" And the attendant responds"Sorry, but no oil either." The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant "Just what kind of petrol station is this ?" The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man "To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front."
The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres !"

Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn"t take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?" "Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!" "Well, next time, " roared Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!"
Higgins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Higgins decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.
When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Higgins, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud Higgins to a deck hand.
"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fibre network.
Irish scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement, they ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 h years ago were an even more advanced civilisation, as they already had a mobile telephone network in place.

Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room. The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left. Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions. When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT , opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool. The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"

For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"
Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink.
He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse."
This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"

A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.
Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."
"Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."
"Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."

Pope Down Under

2010-02-22T09:31:00.002+08:00

Pope Benedict XVI arrived in Australia. After being greeted by the Prime Minister, the Pontiff is escorted to a limo.
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he does not travel light), the driver notices the Pope still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and now that I'm Pope, I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, Dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really big," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The Premier?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The Prime Minister?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John? "
Cop: "No, Sir."
Chief : "Then what makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur.”

Mick "The Joker"'s First Comedy Act for 2010

2010-02-18T10:03:00.001+08:00

Valentines Day Jokes

2010-02-10T16:31:00.006+08:00

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we'll go places!

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: I'm stuck on you.

Q: Who sends a thousand valentines cards signed', guess who' ?
A: A divorce lawyer.

Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.

Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A: No, but they had an apple.

Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?

Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?
A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.

Knock, Knock,
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you!

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn't get a date.

Q: What is a ram's favourite song on February 14th?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear

Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner?
A: A stamp.

Q: What happens when you fall in love with a French chef?
A: You get buttered up.

Q: What is a vampire's sweetheart called?
A: His ghoul-friend.

Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
A: Antelope.

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Chinese New Year Jokes

2010-02-10T16:25:00.002+08:00

How much does a Chinese restaurant weigh?
Won Ton (one ton)!

How did an embarrassed panda get mistaken for a newspaper?
They are both black and white, and red all over!

What's purple, 10,000 km long and 12m high?
The grape wall of China.

Where can you always find a tiger's head?
four foot from his tail!

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

English mothers feed their babies with tiny spoons!
Chinese mothers use toothpicks!

3 Sons And Gifts For Their Mum

2010-01-14T23:47:00.002+08:00

Three sons, Peter, Paul and Patrick became doctors and left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother for her 80th birthday.
Peter said, "I built a big house for our Mother."
Paul said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
Patrick smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took priests and preachers 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
At the party, the mother thanks each of her sons indvidually.
"Peter, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Paul, I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Patrick, you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

The Priest And The Faulty Microphone Joke

2010-01-01T16:42:00.000+08:00

A priest wanted to improve the mass at his old-fashioned parish. He said, “From next Sunday onwards, when I say “The Lord be with you”, you respond “And with you also.” Rather than the usual “and also with you”.” The big moment arrived the following Sunday. The priest processed to the altar for mass, only to realize that the microphone was faulty. He said loudly, “There is something wrong with this microphone.” And the congregation replied, “AND WITH YOU ALSO!!!”

Beatles Jokes

2009-11-13T10:33:00.002+08:00

Which of the Beatles lives in Australia?
Dingo Starr!

Which of the Beatles is always in a rush?
George Hurryson!

Which of the Beatles is yellow and sour?
John Lemon!

Which Beatles song is about their favourite vegetable?
Peas Please Me!

What is a pig's favourite Beatles song?
I wanna hold your ham!

SWINE FLU JOKES

2009-10-09T16:42:00.003+08:00

Did you hear about the guy who said he would get sick when pigs Fly.
The Swine Flu

Did you here about the pig who went on the plane?
The swine flu

I had a glass of merlot last night. I woke up this morning with a cough and a sniffle. I think it’s wine flu.

It was once said that when a black man becomes US president, pigs will fly. True enough, 100 days into Obama's presidency.... SWINE FLU

First we had, Aids, followed by SARS and foot & mouth. We then had bird flu and now Swine Flu... it's like Pokemon - I got to catch 'em all.

I called the Swine Flu hotline today but I couldn't get through... all I got was crackling!

How do you know if you have Swine Flu? You keep getting these rashers!

Doctor, Doctor. I think I have Swine Flu! Don't worry, just rub in this oinkment.

Oinkment won't work for Mexican Swine Flu. You need Juantibiotics!

Doctor, Doctor. I've just eaten a bacon sandwich, am I going to die? Depends if the bacon was cured or not.

Doctor, Doctor. My daughter woke up this morning in pigtails. Should I be worried?

A woman runs out of petrol and phones her husband "I've run out of petrol but I daren't go to fill up because of this Swine Flu". The husband says "you daft hayputh, it's in Mexico, not Texaco!"

Feeling bored on the bus/train/underground? Take out your mobile phone and pretend to have a conversation with an imaginary caller all about your recent holiday in Mexico. Hang up. Then sneeze...

News Flash .... this just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the a-pork-alypse!

This little piggy went to market
This little piggy stayed at home
this little piggy had roast beef
This little piggy had none
and this little piggy went "cough, sneeze" and the whole world's media went mad over the imminent destruction of the human race, and every journalist found out that they didn't have to do too much work if they just did "Find 'bird', replace with 'swine'" on all their saved articles from a year ago, er, all the way home.

THE World Health Organisation has confirmed that a Swine Flu pandemic is now imminent, raising fears that millions of people obviously have no idea what a pandemic is.

How did the 2 timing Mexican get into heaven?
The swine flew!

I'm worried I might have caught Swine Flu. I haven't been to Mexico but I've been with some pigs in my time!

The reason Mexicans took so long to notice people with symptoms including "sweating, excessive body odour and laziness" was because they are so used to Yanks visiting their country.

Apparently over 6 billion emails have been sent out in the last week about Swine Flu. Duh! Didn't you know spam comes from pigs.

A lion, a bear and a pig are in the pub, showing off.
The lion claims, "I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I roar and the plains shake."
The bear claims, "I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I roar and the forests shake."
The pig replied, "Nah, I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I cough and the whole world wets itself..."

Watch out for the following:

• Look out for any unusual blemishes or rashers.
• Unusual behaviour: doing things you would normally find a complete boar.
• Bad temper: things start to very easily rind you up.
• Overheating: Feeling that you are absolutely bacon hot.
• Chills; Feeling like you need to hog the duvet or curl up in front of a crackling fire.
• Wanting a fight: Shouting out things like “Gammon have a go if you think you’re hard enough…”

If any of these symptoms show, then immediately call a hambulance, and go to the hogspital for trewatment. Smokers please note it is a non smoking facility, so you won’t be able to have a snout.

Of course all of this could be a false alarm, in which case you will return home shamefaced with your curly tail between your legs, but if the symptoms return, try going to your local pharmacy for some oinkment.

So it appears Swine Flu has replaced the fears about bird flu. I guess bird flu just never took off...

FIFA has banned Mexican Waves to prevent the spread of infection.

I just heard on the news that, "Swine flu could potentially be a threat to every single person in England". Well it’s a good thing I’m married then isn’t it.

Apparently the first symptom of Swine Flu is that you get the trotts.

All of this makes me feel like America will view the term "Pigging Out" very differently from now

If only pigs didn't know how to build brick houses, the common wolf would have eradicated any chance of Swine flu years ago.

I never thought I'd be personally affected by the two dreaded words "pig" and "flu". Now my entire home has been decimated by it ... Police helicopter just crashed into the roof!

Pokemon Jokes

2009-09-01T13:47:00.009+08:00

How do you fit 100 Pikachu onto a bus?
Poke 'em on!

When do you take your Pokémon to the doctor?
When it's Bulbasaur [= when its bulb is sore] or when it's Koffing!

What do you call a low fat Pokemon?
Butterfree!

Which Pokemon can you order at an Italian restaurant?
Pizzachu!

Which Pokemon would you get if you put a parrot into a washing machine?
Polly-whirl! (Poliwhirl)

What did Pikachu say when it was playing hide'n'seek with Togepi?
Peek-a-choo!

What do you get when you put Ash Ketchum in a room full of 10 fighting Charizard?
Ash and 10 Charizard [ash = cinders].

Why didn't Chikorita cross the road?"
Because it was chicken.

What's Pikachu's favourite dessert?
Shock tarts!

What's Pikachu's favourite treat?
Shock-chip cookies.

What three Pokémon can count in Spanish?
The legendary birds... Articuno, Zapdos, Moltres

What do naughty Pikachu do?
Peek-at-chu [= Peek at you].!

Who are the two most famous people in the whole world?
Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan, since they have Pokémon named after them (Hitmonlee and Hitmonchan)

Why does a Charizard have a flame on its tail?
Because it wouldn't look good with a carrier bag.

How many Slowpoke does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. It just takes a few hours.

What does a Pokémon take for constipation?
Snor-Lax!

What's do you call a whole-grain Pokémon?
Rye-chu!

What did the french fire Pokémon say when asked how he would defeat a Power Ranger?
"I'll Char 'iz zord!"

Which Pokémon came from a different planet?
Venus-saur!

What is the most disgusting Pokémon?
Vile-plume!

What do you call a Pokémon who loves street-racing?
Nitro-king!

Which Pokémon is of French origin?
Paras!

Which is the grumpiest Pokémon?
Krabby!

What did Dorothy Gale name her Pokémon?
Toto-dile!

What's the hottest Pokémon?
Chik-orita!

Why should you never take a shower with a Pokemon?
Because they Pikachu [= peek at you].

Why did Combusken cross the road?
To prove he wasn't chicken!

Why doesn't Blastoise share?
Because it's a shellfish (selfish) Pokémon.

What Pokémon sounds like a train?
Pika-chu-chu!

What three Pokémon are always getting hired by the Mafia?
Hitmontop, Hitmonlee, Hitmonchan.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Raichu.
Raichu who?
Right you are.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivysaur.
Ivysaur who?
I've a sore knuckle from knocking and knocking.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Rhydon.
Rhydon who?
Right on time. Weren't you expecting me?

Knock knock!
Who's there?
May.
May who?
May I come in?

Painting A Church Joke

2009-06-05T15:06:00.004+08:00

One day, a city decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of its Roman Catholic cathedral. Jack the painter put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.
And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a clap of thunder, and the sky opened. The rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the cathedral and knocking Jack clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... "Repaint! and thin no more!"

Mick "The Joker" Comedy Acts

2009-05-06T14:55:00.003+08:00

Church Humour

2009-04-29T14:46:00.000+08:00

The newly appointed parish priest of a Catholic Church was visiting in the homes of his new parishioners after taking down their contacts at his first mass at the parish.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home as the TV was on, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. So, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday at mass, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message,"Genesis 3:10."
After mass, he reached for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked, so I hid myself."

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Dad..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country."
Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, its morning!"

A Catholic priest parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

There is the story of a priest who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked."You know - Our Father, who art in Heaven... "

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.
Later in the day, the priest stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

The priest was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the mass," he said impatiently.
"But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the mass, the priest paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "Advance Australia Fair." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

A Drunk Irishman

2009-03-17T14:11:00.001+08:00

An old Irishman had been drinking at the Wembley Hotel pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting at him, "So, you've been out drinking again!!!" "How did you know?" he asks, putting on an innocent look. His wife replied, "Wembley Hotel just called to tell me that you left your wheelchair at the bar again!!!"

Little Johnny Jokes

2009-03-11T13:50:00.002+08:00

Italian's job interview

2009-02-25T13:54:00.008+08:00

Woolies' was down in jobs, so the boss advertised positions in the papers. The following day, an Italian arrives at the boss's office with his resume in his hand and the boss thought, "I'm not hiring that lazy Italian..." so he decided to set a test for him hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was, Without using numbers, represent the number 9.
"Withouta numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . "Ere youa go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go, one a hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
(You're going to love this one!!!)
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says,
"A little doga come alonga and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?"

Mick "The Joker" On Youtube

2009-02-19T20:45:00.002+08:00

Did you know that Mick "The Joker" uploaded 3 videos of himself telling jokes on Youtube?
You can check them out by clicking any of the following urls:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epuJXqekYDc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qwSoJMOeqMw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szs8Dva9Nzk

Cricket Jokes

2009-01-19T15:35:00.002+08:00

Which two Australian cricket players are always very tired?
Shane Warne and Ricky Panting! (Ponting)

Which pig was an Australian cricketer?
Brad Hog! (Hogg)

Which former Australian cricketer can be found in space?
Damien Martian (Martyn)

Which Australian cricketer laughs a lot?
Mike Ha Ha Ha-ssey! (Hussey)

Which former Autralian cricketer has orange hair?
Justin Wranger! (Langer)

Which cricket great can you find in a bakery?
Sir Donald Breadman! (Bradman)

Which flower is also a cricket legend?
Dennis Lily! (Lillee)

Which cricket commentator loves honey and stings when you provoke him?
Richie Beenaud! (Benaud)

A Scotsman just migrated to Australia. He attended a cricket game between Australia and India at the Melbourne Cricket Ground and when a batsman connects heavily with the ball, he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"
Matty Hayden connects heavily with the ball, sending it to the boundary for 4, and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!
"Ricky "Punter" Ponting hits a slam , sending the ball into the crowd for 6, and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of cricket, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
Matty Hayden is steadfastly bowled out the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A local fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's out."
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and on seeing Matty Hayden heading for the Pavilion, he screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest cricket fans in Australia. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed cricket history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was cricket in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Australian win the Ashes series earlier in the day.
He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked."
Of course it me," Bob replied."This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there cricket in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there is cricket in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is great! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're batting tomorrow night."

3 Men Jump Off A Building

2009-01-10T14:24:00.002+08:00

There were three men, an Australian, an Italian and an Irishman. They were construction workers. One day, they were sitting on top of their construction site, the scaffolding of a tall skyscraper. They were having their lunch and they opened their lunchboxes.
Australian man: "Oh man... Sandwiches with vegemite again. If I get this one more time, I'm jumping down from this building!"
Italian man: "Dam it... Spaghetti and meatballs again. If I get this one more time, I'm jumping down with you, my friend!"
Irishman: "Far out... Irish stew again. I'm also jumping down if I get this one more time!"
The next day, at the same spot, the men opened their lunchboxes.
Australian man: "Goodbye my friends. I'm jumping down now as I got sandwiches with vegemite again!"
Italian man: "Oh no, spaghetti and meatballs again! I have to depart now! Goodbye!"
Irishman: "(Groan) I'm joining the other two men as I got Irish stew again!"
(Down they go)
At the mens' funeral, the men's wives were talking to each other about them.
Australian woman: "I thought sandwiches with vegemite was his favourite, no wonder I always make it for him."
Italian woman: "If he didn't like spaghetti and meatballs, he should've told me, and I can make him something else."
They turned to the Irish woman who said, "Don't look at me. He is the one who makes his own lunch."

Telephone Jokes Part 1

2008-11-05T15:52:00.002+08:00

"Abbey Telecom. Would you spell that, please?"
"Certainly. A as in aye. B as in bee. B as in bee. E as in eye. Y as in you."
"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."

A lady was getting inundated with wrong number callers. Why? An accounts department had introduced an 0800 number that was identical to hers. When she called to complain, she was told to change her number.
"I've had mine for fifteen years," she said. "Couldn't you change yours?"
They refused, so she said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to tell everyone who calls that their invoice is satisfied."
The accounts department got a new number the next day.

Fred and Doris were deep in slumber. Fred wakes to answer the phone. "How the heck should I know, that's 30 miles away!!" and slams down the receiver.
"Who was that?" asks Doris.
"I dunno, he wanted to know if the coast is clear."

It's the late 1980's, and an IT Manager’s boss at a non-profit agency had a brainwave.
"He wanted to provide a auto-attendant menu-driven telephone system that would give HR advice by phone," said the IT Manager.
"I was taken to lunch by the local phone company to discuss it. Being new to the project, I started by asking what percentage of the Ribble Valley community had touch-tone phones ... mission critical for automated attendant systems. As I remember, the food was excellent and the project was never discussed again."

The phone rang numerous times that night. A woman's voice kept asking for Danny. Each time I explained that I lived alone, my name was Damien, and she had the wrong number. Six times was enough.
"Hi?" I said.
"Can I speak to Danny, please?"
I replied, "I'm sorry, he's out. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll return?" she asked.
"I think he said he'd be back at 10 pm."
Silence on the other end... a confused silence.
"Is this Les?"
"Yep. Do you want to leave a message for Danny?"
"Well... he asked me to call him tonight," she said, in an agitated voice.
I replied, "Well, he went out with Joanne at 7 pm and said that he would be back at 10 pm."
A stunned voice now: "Who's Joanne?!"
"The girl he went out with."
"I know that! I mean... who is she?"
"I don't know her surname. Do you want me to leave a message for Danny?"
"Yes. Tell him to ring me when he gets back."
She was sounding pretty irate at this point. "I will. Is this Holly?"
She exploded, "Who's Holly?"
"Well... he's going out with Holly at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."
"Danny’s the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Cath called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."
I said, "Okay, I will... but Julie isn't going to like this..."

The bath-tub was invented in 1850.
The telephone was invented in 1875.
If you had lived back then, you could have sat in the bath for 25 years without being interupted by the phone.

A student asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean."
With that the father dialled a random number. He said, "Hello, is Adrian there?"
The man answered, "There is no one here called Adrian. Why don't you pay attention when dialling?"
He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...."
The father dialled the number again. "Hello, is Adrian there?" asked the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number andI told you that there is no Adrian here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. NowI'll show you what exasperation means."
He re-dialled and when a violent voice roared 'Hello!' , the father calmly said, "Hello, this is Adrian. Have there been any phone calls for me?"

The company had a digital telephone system that rerouted after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a certain line, Tony knew it would be a wrong number.
When the phone rang, Tony answered saying, "Psychic Hotline. I'm sorry, but you've dialled the wrong number."
The callers would reply with something like, "I didn't even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialed the wrong...!" (click)

Telephone Jokes Part 2

2008-11-05T15:25:00.005+08:00

After directory assistance gave a girl her boyfriend's new telephone number, she dialled him -- and got a woman.
"Is Jozef there?" she asked.
"He's in the shower," the woman exclaimed.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," she said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, the girl re-dialed. A man answered, "This is Jozef."
"You're not my boyfriend!" she exclaimed.
"I know, that's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."

My office said that I missed a call from "Cath" at the bank regarding our account. So, I called my bank and the switchboard operator asked me what Cath’s last name was and I explained that she hadn't left her surname.
When she asked for her department, I said that I didn't know.
"There are 1500 employees in this building, sir," she told me abruptly.
So I asked her for her name.
"Joanne," she said.
"What is your surname?" I asked.
"Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give surnames."

Sudents at college were discussing the cost of long distance calls and debating the relative advantages of BT, NTL and Skype.
"I've found RCC to be the cheapest plan around," Said one.
"RCC? Who are they?"
"You know," he responded. "Reverse Charge Calls."

Dianne grew up in a small town by the sea, then moved away to study law at university. She decided to come back to the small town because she could be a big lawyer in this small town. She really wanted to impress everyone. She opened a new legal practice, but business was very slow at first.
One day, she saw a man coming up the pavement. She decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Dianne picked up the phone. She motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in London that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the judge that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details. "
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Dianne rattled instructions. Finally, she put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from Abbey Telecom. I am here to install your telephone line."

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated evening meal and, as I answered, I was greeted with, "Is this Obadiah Higginbottom?"
I asked, "Who is calling?"
The canvasser said he was with The Cheap Telephone Calls Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew Obadiah personally and why was he was calling this number. I then said, off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood."
I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in court to testify in this murder case.
I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the deceased and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The canvasser was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.
Then I proceeded to tell him that we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.
My wife asked me, as I returned to the table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.
My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.

Dave was a frequent user of a payphone at a petrol station, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone faulty.
Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.
After several days, Dave again contacted BT and said that there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working OK...except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.
A telephone engineer arrived within the hour!

Jozef, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at 3.33 A.M. by his telephone."Your barking dog is keeping me awake," said an angry voice.Jozef thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.The next morning at precisely 3:33 A.M., Jozef called his neighbour back.
"Good morning, Mr. Walker. Just called to say that I haven’t got a dog."

One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. in Patrick’s house. He picked up the phone and a woman asked, "Is this 721111?"
"No, this is 721112." Patrick replied.
"Oh, I'm so sorry for bothering you." The woman said.
"That's alright," Patrick said. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."

Golden Age Jokes

2008-10-24T14:54:00.001+08:00

An elderly gentleman... had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doc tor said, 'Your hearing is pert. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

' Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it ..' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to fetch it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy, 'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
The first one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
The second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
The third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
' Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty .'

Fishing Jokes

2008-09-25T14:57:00.006+08:00

While sports fishing off the Fremantle coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.
When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?"
"Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.
The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"
Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

A couple of young blokes were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden!!

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.
After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
"Lets see yer fishin license, Boy !!" the Warden gasped. With that, the bloke pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son", said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks !! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes Sir", replied the young bloke," But my friend back there, well, he don't have one"...

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?
The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."

Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"
His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."
In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."

Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

Aunty Nelia's Jokes

2008-09-18T22:29:00.003+08:00

This were the favourite jokes of my late aunty Nelia, who passed away on the 14th of September 2008. May she rest in peace...

A young boy was interested on becoming a priest when he grows up. He went to see his parish priest for an interview at his office, to see if he's ready. The priest asked a series of questions:
Priest: "Do you know who Joseph is?"
Boy: "Yes, that is the father of Jesus."
Priest: "Do you know who Mary is?"
Boy: "Yes, that is the mother of Jesus."
Priest: "Now, do you know who Jesus is?"
Boy: "No, Father. I don't know who Jesus is."
The priest took a crucifix from his wall, showed it to the boy, and asked him, "Do you know who this is?"
The boy replied, "Yes! Yes! I know who that is! That's Tarzan because he is wearing a g-string!"

A man was praying in a church to a large crucifix. He prayed, "Dear Lord, please help me to win he lottery tomorrow. If I win it, I'll give half of the money to you and donate it to charity."
The next day, he didn't win the lottery and he came into the church very angrily. He stormed thriugh the church door, only to see that the large crucifix was covered with scaffolding (under maintenance). So, the parish priest put a small crucifix on the altar. The man ran all over the church shouting, "Come out wherever you are!!! Stop hidihg from me!!!"
He found the small crucifix on the altar, so he ran up and yelled at it, "Hey!! Where's your dad?"

A man went to see his parish priest for confession.
The man said, "Father, I am very sorry that I stole a dozen pairs of shoes. Can you please forgive me?"
The priest replied, "You have been forgiven. For your penance, say one 'Our Father', one 'Hail Mary' and one 'Glory Be".
"Thanks, Father" the man said.
As he was about to walk out of the priest's office, the priest stopped him and said, "By the way, do you have size no. 6?"

Who do I like to operate on?

2008-06-23T15:46:00.000+08:00

During their break from work, four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.
The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.
The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers."
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.
The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their butt and head are interchangeable".

Lawyer Jokes Part 1

2008-06-20T13:24:00.003+08:00

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
1.Take your foot off his head.
2.No Good!

What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Why to lawyers wear neckties?
To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman pinscher.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.

What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement ?
Wine cellar.

Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are "avocat" in French)
Both have hearts like stones.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a poisonous snake?
You can make a pet out of the snake.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A tick drops off you when you die.

What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?
A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
Not enough cement.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
Another lawyer.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it, and one to kick the stool out from under him.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture eventually lets go.

What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer Miles.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.

Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
Because deep down, they're really good people.

What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
His personality.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.

Lawyer Jokes Part 2

2008-06-20T13:19:00.004+08:00

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assis- tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub- scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."

A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?" "3 dollars an ounce." "How much for [other generic profession] brain?" "4 dollars an ounce." "How much for lawyer brain?" "100 dollars an ounce." "Why is lawyer brain so much more?" "Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. This pasttime was immensely enjoyable to the truck driver.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitch hiking, so he thought he would do a good turn by offering the priest a lift. So he pulled the truck over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!" replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." With that, the happy priest climbed into the passenger seat, and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road, and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors, and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses." Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: "Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country."

Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work.
"I don't understand," Cindy complained. "When people find out I'm a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?"
Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, "Maybe it just saves time."

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.
"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

As a lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

"Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first."
You have just witnessed a lawyer speaking to a judge.

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true.
"I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

The judicial process is like a cow.
The public is impaled on its horns, the government has it by the tail, and all the while the lawyers are milking it.

The reason law schools have been described as "a place for the accumulation of learning" is that first-year students bring some in, third-year students take none out--and so knowledge accumulates.

Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970.
Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.

Lawyer Jokes Part 3

2008-06-20T13:10:00.004+08:00

Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced.
"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I new that he was guilty as sin."
"Sit down," said the judge. "That is the prosecuting attorney."

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered "no."
The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question 'yes', was "why?".
Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it "Never got caught."

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Person 1: I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.
Person 2: Why do you say that?
Person 1: Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00'.

Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly.
"Well," said the general, "we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge--and boy, did they know how to charge."

A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, "you're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit."
The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said "you're slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a lawyer."

A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who decided in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."

God decided to take Satan to court and settle their differences once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think YOU'RE going to find a lawyer?"

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another,"Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful; second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them; and third, there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."

When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

In a cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow - one person was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.
Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ---- It would be a good idea to just leave them there.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. ...Benjamin Franklin.

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.
"Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

Mick The Joker's Animal Jokes Part 1

2008-06-05T12:47:00.003+08:00

What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pit bull.

Why is a tree like a dog?
Because they both lose their bark when they die.

Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund?
Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie.

What is the difference between a rottweiler and a social worker?
It is easier to get your kids back from a rotweiler!

Did you hear about the new breed in pet shops?
They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for help.

How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
Your nose is touching the ceiling.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Elephino.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Holes all over Australia.

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

Why did the elephant cross the road?
Chicken's day off.

Why do elephants have trunks?
Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

Why do elephants drink so much?
To try to forget.

How can you tell if an elephant is getting ready to charge?
He pull out his Diners' Club card.

What do you get when two giraffes collide?
A giraffic jam.

Why did the lion spit out the clown?
Because he tasted funny.

Why dd the skeleton run up the tree?
Because a dog was after its bones.

Mick The Joker's Animal Jokes Part 2

2008-06-05T12:43:00.003+08:00

Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they don't know the words.

Where does a blackbird go for a drink?
To a crow bar.

Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?
He was going to make a long-distance caw.

What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
Look at the orange mama laid.

Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?
No, you should eat your fingers separately.

Why do hens lay eggs?
If they dropped them, they'd break.

Why do seagulls live near the sea?
Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.

Diner: Do you serve chicken here?
Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.

Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager.
Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.

Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside.

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A walkie-talkie, of course.

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?
Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable.

Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
To the retail store.

What kind of dog tells time?
A watch dog.

What animals can jump higher than the Sydney Harbour Bridge?
All the animals can, because the Sydney Harbour Bridge can't jump.

What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Quackula.

CHICKEN JOKES

2008-05-28T13:37:00.002+08:00

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the armadillo that it was possible.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from Colonel Sanders!

Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
Because it was a double-crosser.

Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
To take over the other side.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

Why did the chicken cross the beach?
To get to the other tide.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Chickens hadn't evolved yet.

Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station!

Why did the chicken scientist cross the road?
To invent the other side.

Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?
To corrupt the other side.

Why did the chicken IRS representative cross the road?
To bankrupt the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?
To get to the car accident on the other side.

Why did chicken Dr. Kevorkian cross the road?
To help the patient find the other side.

Why did chicken Jim Morrison cross the road?
To break on through to the other side.

Why do birds fly South?
Because it's too far to walk.

Blind Jokes

2008-05-26T13:22:00.003+08:00

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the heck out of the dog.

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in."
The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?

Heaven 'N' Hell Jokes

2008-05-19T14:18:00.002+08:00

Bill Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton".
"What bad things did you do on earth?"
Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?'
'Yes,' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.'
'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter.'
'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor answered.
'Im am not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"
The man says, "Methodist."
St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"
"Baptist."
"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
A third man arrives at the gates.
"Religion?"
"Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"
St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered. "That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name the people who died in the Titanic."

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

FUNNY VIDEO

2008-05-04T23:08:00.001+08:00

THIS VIDEO IS REALLY FUNNY, CHECK IT OUT BY CLICKING THE FOLLOWING LINK:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYokLWfqbaU

Priest and pilot in heaven joke

2008-04-10T16:07:00.001+08:00

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven " The guy replies : "I'm Jack, retired Continental Airlines Pilot from Houston". Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom. "Just a minute," says the good father. "That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?" "Up here - we go by results," says Saint Peter, "When you preached - people slept; when he flew - - people prayed."

George Bush visits a Primary School

2008-04-10T16:02:00.002+08:00

President George Bush is visiting a primary school today and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related towordsand their meanings.
The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy."
So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a"tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy."
"You beauty," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

Work And School Jokes

2008-02-05T16:46:00.000+08:00

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained. "Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily."Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post."Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could scare him so much.
The driver, after gathering himself together replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!"

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your machine gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?"The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence."
The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do likethe way you think!" The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?" The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone." To which the little boy replies, "Actually, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"

A ten year-old Jewish boy was failing maths. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card.
The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table, and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?""No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I KNEW they meant business!"

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes."Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can handle," he said.Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and tookout the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the board, the press, and Wall Street responded positively, sales picked up, stockprices rose and the problem was soon behind him.About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip insales, combined with serious problems getting new product to market. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO wasted no time inopening the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and again the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The simple message said, "Prepare three envelopes..."

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms."Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded..."Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

Jokes About TV, Movies And Pop Culture

2008-02-01T12:32:00.000+08:00

Which noisy pig is a great movie director?
Steven Squealberg!

Which movie star can be found in a bakery?
Bread Pitt!

What's hard-boiled and can bench-press 300 pounds?
Arnold Schwarzen-egg-er!

Which bee is also a famous pop singer?
Robbee Williams!

Which instrument does Bugs Bunny play?
The haremonica!

If Batman and Robin get run over by a bus, what would you get?
Batman becomes "Flatman" and Robin becomes "Ribbon"!

What is Ronald McDonald's favourite dance?
"The Big Macarena"!

What's blue and used to ride waves?
A Smurfboard!

Which muppet is green and made out of wood?

Kermit the log!

A bee has 2 favourite TV shows. What are they?

"The Bold and the Bee-utiful" and "Days Of Our Hives"!

What is a pig's favourite TV show?
"Squeal of Fortune!"

Where does Bugs Bunny have a haircut?
At a haredresser!

A Job Interview

2008-02-01T12:22:00.000+08:00

A woman was employing for a job. By the look of her pink hair, the employer anticipated that she was going to be disappointment. So he gave her a task.
He said "O.K. To pass your job interview, I want you to make a sentence out of the following words: GREEN PINK YELLOW BLUE WHITE PURPLE and BLACK!"
The applicant thought for a while and said "I hear the phone GREEN GREEN GREEN! Then I go PINK up the phone. YELLOW, BLUE's that? WHITE did you say? Sorry I dialled the wrong number... Don't disturb PURPLE and don't call me BLACK! OK? Thank you." The employer fainted...

George W. Bush Meets Moses

2008-01-21T20:39:00.004+08:00

While waiting for his flight to Sydney to attend the APEC Summit, US President George W Bush was waiting at an airport lounge, when he noticed an old man, with shaggy white hair and beard, wearing worn and faded robes and sandals, holding a walking staff in one hand, and a set of stone tablets tucked under his other arm.
He walked over to the old man, and asked, "Sir, are you by chance, Moses?" The old man tilted his head upward and seemed to be intently studying the ceiling tiles, and ignoring George.
George tried again, "Sir!" he said more emphatically, trying to get the old man's attention. "Sir! aren't you Moses? You really do look like Moses!" Still the old man ignored him, continued to study the ceiling tiles, saying nothing.
George got up on his tip toe, grabbed the old man by the arm and yelled, "SIR!!! Aren't you Moses?? SIR! Why aren't you answering me?"
The old man finally spoke, "Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a Bush, I was banished to the desert for 40 years!"

Mick The Joker's Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman Jokes

2008-01-12T19:08:00.000+08:00

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were having lunch in a restaurant. While waiting for their meals to be served, they had a chat among themselves.

The Englishman says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber, because when I came home the other day, I found some plumbing tools under her bed."

The Scotsman says "I think my wife is having an affair with a carpenter, because when I came home the other day, I found some carpentry tools under her bed."

The Irishman says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." His friends looked at him in disbelief. The Irishman says, "No I'm serious. When I came home the other day, I found a jockey in her wardrobe."

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman picked the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, YA B@$T@RD!!! SPIT IT OUT!!!"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him.

The Englishman, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport.

Next came the Scotsman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard. "Nothing" said the Scotsman and, after receiving his lashes, spat on the ground, called the prison guards 'Schisers' and started off towards the airport.

The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the Scotsman".

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it."I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Scotsman says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Irishman says, "Please fill it up with water."

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went on a mountain-climbing expedition together. Everything was going fine until one day, while they were walking along a narrow ledge, an avalanche ripped away the ledge on each side of them. As they stood there wondering what to do, with the freezing night closing in, there was a strange shimmering in the air and a good fairy appeared, floating in front of them. She raised her wand and declared that, as they had all been good and the expedition was sponsored for charity and so forth, she was to rescue them from their terrible plight. Each of them could wish to be transformed into any bird of their choice in order to get safely off the mountain, and would return to their normal form once they reached home.

She turned first to the Englishman and asked what he wanted to be. "A swan," he replied, and a beautiful white swan replaced him. Stepping off the ledge, it spread its wings and flew off for England.

The fairy turned to the Scotsman, who immediately and proudly chose a golden eagle,which he became. With a magnificent swoop, he launched from the ledge and soared away, glorying in the freedom of flight as he returned to Scotland.

The Irishman watched the two birds disappearing into the distance from the ledge as the fairy turned to him. "And what bird do you choose?" she asked. He thought, and mused, then said, "A penguin."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all in the jungle being persued by a tribe of savages. The savages are closing so they 3 friends decide to hide up trees. The savages reach the trees, and think they look suspicious.

They shake the first tree, which contains the Englishman. "Caw, Caw," is heard from among the leaves. "It's a parrot," says the savages.

They move to the next tree, which contains the Scotsman, and shake it. An "eek, eek," is heard. "It's a monkey," says the savages.

They shake the third tree, which contains the Irishman. All that is heard is a single "Mooooo"....

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are being chased by a policeman. They see this old warehouse so they run in. Inside there are 3 big empty potato sacks on the floor. They each jump into a sack. In comes the cop and sees these three sacks on the floor.
He goes up to the first one and kicks it. The Englishman shouts out, "Woof Woof", and the cop says, "It's only a dog."

He leaves it and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, "Meow meow", he leaves this one as he says, "It's only a cat."

He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out "Potatoes! Potatoes!"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman got lost in a massive forest and are cold, hungry and thirsty.

The Englishman finds a nuns convent and thinks great, a bed and some food. He knocks on the door and a nun invites him in, they are all very welcoming and give him food and drink. After that they sort him out with a room to use for the night. After being asleep for a few hours he wakes up to this hideously loud thumping noise that terrifies him. He finds a nun and asks her what this terrible noise is. She replies "I can't tell you, you're not a nun." At this the Englishman flees the convent.

Later that night, the Scottish man comes across the convent and thinks "great!" The nuns welcome him in and give him food and drink. Later they give him a room to spend the night in. A few hours after being asleep, he wakes up to the hideous noise. He asks one of the nuns what it is, but the nun replies "I can't tell you, you're not a nun". At this, he leaves the convent.

Even later that night, the Irishman goes into the convent. He has food and drink, then goes to bed. During the night he wakes up to this frightening banging noise. He goes out in the corridor and asks a nun what the noise is. She replies "I can't tell you, you're not a nun!" At this he finds a store cupboard containing a nuns habit. He puts it on and finds a nun. He says to her "Hello, I'm sister Riley, the new nun, can you please tell me what that terrible noise is?" "I'll do better than that, I'll show you, follow me!" she says. She takes him up a corridor to two big oak doors, through the doors is a long winding staircase leading to two big iron doors. Through these doors there is a massive room with a hole in the floor and a ladder leading down the hole. They go down the ladder into another room and through another door. Then the nun says to him "This is where the noise is coming from!" Guess what it was?......I'm sorry, I can't tell you. You're not a nun!"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were sentenced to execution by firing squad.

The Englishman was first up and he was placed against the wall to be shot. When the commander shouted "Ready, aim!", he looked to his left and shouted "Tornado!" The soldiers dropped their rifles and ran away, and when they returned, the Englishman had escaped by hopping off the wall.

The Scotsman was then brought in and placed against the wall to be fired. As the commander shouted, "Ready, aim!", he looked to his right and shouted "Earthquake!" The soldiers fled in fear again, and the Scotsman made his escape by hopping off the wall.

Finally, the Irishman was brought in and placed against the wall. As the commander shouted "Ready, aim!", the Irishman looked straight at the soldiers and shouted "Fire!" and they did... BANG!!!

Religious Jokes Part I

2007-10-31T15:43:00.000+08:00

A man went to see his parish priest for confession.
The man said, "Father, I am very sorry that I stole a dozen pairs of shoes. Can you please forgive me?"
The priest replied, "You have been forgiven. For your penance, say one 'Our Father', one 'Hail Mary' and one 'Glory Be"."Thanks, Father" the man said.
As he was about to walk out of the priest's office, the priest stopped him and said, "By the way, do you have size no. 6?"

Three nuns decided to quit, so they went to see a priest and said, "Father, we don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The priest told them, "Do something that is unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"
The next day they went to the priest one at a time. The priest said to the first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I drove at 120km/h in a 60km/h zone and the cops caught me." The priest said, "Well, that's sinning, go drink some holy water." When the nun drank the holy water she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.
The second nun walked in and the priest asked, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The priest said, "I guess that will do. Go drink holy water." The nun left after drinking the holy water.
The third nun walked in and the priest asked, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"

Four Catholic women were having tea.
1st woman: “My son is a priest and when he walks into a room, people say “Hi Father”.
2nd woman: “My son is an Archbishop and when he walks into a room, people say “Hi Your Grace”.
3rd woman: “My son is a Cardinal and when he walks into a room, they say “Hi Your Eminence”.
4th woman: “I have got all of you to beat. My son is 6-foot tall, dark and handsome and when he walks into a room , people say 'Oh my God!'”

A woman went to see her parish priest.
"Father, I have two female parrots, and the only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" asks the priest.The woman says, "All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots, Peter and Paul whom I taught to pray, read the Bible and most of the time, they sit at the bottom of their cage, cross their wings and pray. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you very much, Father." the woman says.
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. When she arrived, she saw the priest's two male parrots quietly praying the rosary at the bottom of their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"The two male parrots instantly stopped praying, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot, both parrots toss their rosary beads in the air and and exclaim together, "OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!"

During a Papal audience in the Vatican, a salesman from KFC meets the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he says, "Your Holiness, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread,' to 'give us this day our daily chicken,' KFC will donate $10 million dollars to the Church." The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
"Well," says the KFC man, "We are prepared to donate $50 million to the Church if you change the line from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken' for us." Again the Pope replies, "Impossible."
Finally, the KFC man says, "This is our last offer. We will donate $100 million to the church if you change the line in the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'" and finally the Pope accepted.
After receiving the cheque of $100,000,000 from the KFC man, the Pope calls together all the Cardinals, Bishops, Priests and Deacons of the Vatican for a big meeting the next day and he says, "All right, boys! I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Church."
The Cardinals, Bishops, Priests and Deacons rejoice at the news (cheers, applause, BRAVO! BRAVO!). Then one of the Bishops put up his hand and asks, "Excuse me, Your Holiness, what is the bad news?"
The celebrations stop and the Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

St. Peter has to run an errand. He has been standing guard at the Pearly Gates for 500 years and he really has to go. He asks Jesus, "Hey, look, can you do me a favor? Take over here for a few minutes while I run a quick errand."Jesus says, "But I've never done this before.""It's nothing," says St. Peter. "Here's a pad and a pencil. When people come up, you ask them their name, where they lived, get their occupation and ask them any pertinent questions. If they sound good, let them in. That's all there is to it. I've gotta go." And he runs off.
A few minutes later an old man comes up and Jesus asks him, "What's your name?"The old man says, "In English I think you would say my name is Joseph."
"And what," says Jesus, "was your occupation?""I was a carpenter," says Joseph.
"Okay," says Jesus, writing all this down. He looks carefully at the man, then asks, "Did you have any children?" "Yes," says the man. "I had a son."
Jesus looks at these three answers. Then looks back at the man. He then asks, "Was there anything unusual about your son?""Yes," says the old man. "My son did not come into this world in the usual way. He also had nail holes in his hands and his feet ... "At which point Jesus walks toward the man and says, "Dad?"The old man looks up at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"

It was christmas time and Little Johnny wanted a new bike for christmas. He asked his parents if he could have one and his mum said, "Johnny, bikes are too expensive and we can't afford to buy you one. Why don't you write a letter to Santa and maybe he might give you one." He went to his room and wrote a letter, but he decided to go one step higher.
Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your friend, Johnny
He tore up the letter and took a new piece of paper.
Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. Yours truly, Johnny
Well, Johnny tore it up and tried again.
Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle? Johnny
Then, Johnny tore up the letter for a third time as he had enough of writing. He went for a walk outside and walked as far as he can. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. He entered the church and kneeled down, not knowing what to do. He got up and looked around, and saw the nativity scene at the front of the church. He walked toward the altar where the scene was located and all of a sudden, he snatched the figure of the Virgin Mary and ran out the church door. When Johnny got home, he went to the kitchen where he wrapped the statue in newspapers, dumped it in a shoe box, chucked the box in the furthest corner his wardrobe, locked it and wrote this letter:
Jesus, I've got your mother. If you ever want to see her again, send me a bike. Signed, You know who

Religious Jokes Part II

2007-10-31T13:49:00.000+08:00

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.
The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the priest decides to make an example of him.
He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."
The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the priest says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"
The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing. Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"

A Nun was taking a shower one day and she heard the door bell ring, she yelled "Who is it?"
And the person ringing the door bell yelled, "I'm the blind man."
So the Nun got out of the shower and wrapped her hair in a towel, she didn't bother putting a towel around herself because the person behind the door was blind.
She opened the door and said, "What do you want?", and the man said, "I'm here to check your blinds."

A Catholic priest was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

An old priest was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the priest would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the priest had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, "Father, why did you ask us to come?"
The old priest mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple.
One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job.
He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn't want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint.
It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.
That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away.
The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, "What shall I do?"
A voice came back from the heavens saying, "Repaint, and thin no more!"

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.
The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?" The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."
Not paying much attetion, the man says, "Sure, ok."
So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"
Finally he remembers, "Amen!!" The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God."

"What Is Your Name?" joke

2007-10-10T13:03:00.000+08:00

Walking through Chinatown, an English tourist was fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turned a corner and saw a building with the sign, "Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry."
"Hans Schmidt?" he wondered. "How does that name fit in Chinatown?"
So he walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking Chinese laundry. He could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the name as there were baseball hats, T-Shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo, "Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry." There was also a fair selection of Chinatown souvenirs, indicating that the name alone had brought many tourists into the shop. The Englishman selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office in London. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.
The tourist asked, "Can you tell me how this place got a name like 'Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry'?"
The old man answered, "Ahh... Everybody ask me that question. Is name of owner."
Looking around, the tourist asked, "Who and where is the owner now?"
"He is right here," replied the old man. "I am Hans Schmidt."
"Really? How did you ever get a name like Hans Schmidt, being a Chinese man?"
"Is simple," said the old man. "Many, many year ago when I came to this country from China, I was queueing up at the immigration center, where I was standing behind a German. The lady at the counter looked at the German and said, ‘What is your name?' He said, Hans Schmidt. When it was my turn, she looked at me and said, 'What is your name?' I said, 'Sem Ting.'"

Pavarotti Goes To Heaven

2007-09-30T21:50:00.000+08:00

When the late opera star Luciano Pavarotti went to heaven, St. Peter was so happy to see hom when he arrived at the pearly gates.
"Hello, Luciano! I'm so pleased to see you! Please come in! Squeeze through!" said St Peter.
But Pavarotti replied, "St. Peter, before I go in, here is a letter from the Pope for you." Please read it."
He gave St. Peter the envelope, he opened it, and it read:

Dear St. Peter,
I hope everything is going well up there in Heaven and here is that tenor I owe you.
Yours sincerely, Pope Benedict XVI

AFL Season Cancelled

2007-09-05T08:27:00.000+08:00

It is likely that the AFL competition will have to be cancelled. Under the new Anti Terrorism Laws the Bombers are banned, the new IR legislation rules out the Dockers and the asian bird flu epidemic is wrecking havoc with the Crows, Eagles, Hawks, Magpies and Swans.
Any transfers to the Cats, Lions, Dogs and Tigers must now be quarantined for at least 12 months. Religious vilification laws mean that no one can legally barrack for the Demons or the Saints.

Good Old Apple Joke

2007-08-26T12:35:00.000+08:00

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, "take only one, God is watching." Moving through the line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Little Johnny wrote a note, "take all you want, God is watching the apples."

Bird Jokes

2007-08-15T21:10:00.000+08:00

What birds spend all their time on their knees?
Birds of prey.

What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird.

Where do birds meet for coffee?
In a nest-cafe.

What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?
Fowl play.

What language do birds speak?
Pigeon English.

What do you give a sick bird?
Tweetment.

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?
A bird that will talk you ear off.

What happened when the owl lost his voice?
He didn't give a hoot.

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A great walkie-talkie.

Queen Jokes

2007-08-11T20:40:00.000+08:00

Which member of Queen can be found in space?

Lead singer Freddie Mercury!

What is a ghost's favourite Queen song?
Boo-hemian Rhapsody! (Bohemian Rhapsody)

What is a pig's favourite Queen song?

We Are The Hampions! (We Are The Champions)

What is a sheep's favourite Queen song?

Radio Baa Baa! (Radio Ga Ga)

Which Queen song is about stormy weather?

Thunder Pressure! (Under Pressure)

Which Queen songs are best for a prisoner before he goes to jail?

I Want To Break Free and We Will Lock You! (We Will Rock You)

Political Jokes

2007-07-30T18:43:00.000+08:00

The Prime Minister is running down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had. He goes up to the girl and says, "Little girl, I think that it's wonderful that you're doing such a good thing."The little girl says, "Thank you, Mr. Howard. Would you like a puppy? They're Democrats." John declines and jogs onward. The next day Johnny H jogs past the same girl and decides to talk to her again. "You know what, little girl? I think I'll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they're Democrats."The girl says, "I'm sorry Mr. Howard, but they're not Democrats any more. They're Republicans now."John says, "They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with?" She says, "Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open."

While walking down the street one day, a Republican head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." says the Republican.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Republican head of state.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil (a Republican, too), who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevatorrises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the Republican head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the Republican and lays an arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the Republican head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"George Bushes, father Bush and son Bush, Bush, Jr., are on board a small two seater plane when suddenly George Senior, the pilot, parachutes out of the plane. Not knowing how to fly, National Guard Service or not, a plane George, Jr., grabs the radio. "Mayday, mayday! My Dad just jumped out of the plane!" Ground control receives the call for help and answers back: "Your dad?" "He left me here! Took the parachute!" "Sir, your dad?" "He's the pilot! Gosh!" "Okay, don't worry, sir. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position." "I'm over six feet and sitting in the front!"

Tired of his low approval ratings, President Clinton called up the head of the CIA and said, "I want your very best agent over here first thing in the morning."Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most gifted American agent was headed back to Washington.The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The President said, "I hear you're the best in the business. I can't trust what my staff tells me.So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?"The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn't heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning, and the President saw him immediately.The President said, "Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office?""Yes, sir.""Well, then, express the will of the people," Clinton ordered.So the agent stood up, pulled out a gun, and shot him.

Fishing Jokes

2007-06-18T13:00:00.001+08:00

While sports fishing off the Cottesloe coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"No," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do anything," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got them."

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"But why?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."

A couple of young blokes were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush jumped the Game Warden !!
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.
After about a half mile the bloke stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
"Lets see your fishing license, Boy !!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the bloke pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son", said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks !! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes Sir", replied the young bloke, "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one"...

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "Dad, how does this boat float?
The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind me asking you all of these questions?"
The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."

Two friends, Peter and Paul rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. Peter said to his friend,
"Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, Peter asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"
Paul replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
Peter said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, " Only caught one, eh?"

Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!"
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

Travel Jokes Part 1

2007-06-18T12:59:00.000+08:00

An Australian tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.
"This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide.
Impressed at this accurate dating, the tourist inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.
"Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago"

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the hairdresser who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That’s ridiculous! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, what are you doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The hairdresser asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, as we were touring the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be as kind as to step into his private room and wait the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the hairdresser. "What did he say?"
He said, "Where did you get the dumb haircut?

An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. "Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."
"How can you tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air." he replied.
A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.
"How do you know that?" asked the Russian. "I can feel the heat of the desert."
Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York."
The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know all of that?" they exclaimed.
The American pulled his hand up. "My watch is missing."